OA, depression, and jealousy
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Wow. Itís been forever since Iíve blogged. And I donít know how far Iíll get because my back is killing me. If it feels like this now, what will it feel like when I get old? Ugh!
I joined OA first of October through www.therecoverygroup.org . I went through the orientation which is a month long. I canít say Iím making a lot of progress just yet, but Iím getting the foundation laid.
Itíll probably be a lot longer road for me than it is for many others because Iíve been SO depressed recently and it seems to be getting worse. So often I feel like crying and for no reason. *sigh*. Iím sure now that weíre heading into the holidays and I basically have no money, the depression is not going to get better anytime soon.
Which I guess brings me to my next issue. And I feel like such a terrible person for this. Itís my issue and my issue alone, but Ö.. My husband goes to medical professionals at the drop of a hat. If he gets a hangnail, Iím sure heíll make an appointment. Now he does have some serious health concerns Ė diabetes and major depression, but even over and above those, if he can find a reason to add yet another doctor, therapist, etc., he will. Now as for myself; I often would like to seek medical assistance for something. Right now it would be this very painful back and the depression that Iím experiencing. But instead of picking up the phone, I take a look at the bank accounts and decide that we donít have the money or enough left on any credit cards for me to make another bill. I find myself always saving whatever money we have to spend on his doctor bills and medications. That being said; I find myself feeling jealous and then feeling very bad for feeling that way. Yes Iím a crazy person! Iíd have the diagnosis too if Iíd ever go to the doctor, lol.
This morning when I thought about blogging, I had lots to say, but now I can Ďt seem to remember any of itÖ so I guess Iíll call it a day.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Gosh, it sounds like you're going through a lot, but I echo what everyone else said and especially ARCHIMEDESII! We're trained from birth that our needs are not as important as someone else's, while men are trainer that their needs are their #1 priority. Obviously, this isn't 100% true, people are different, and even in my own family it gets cockeyed, but it sounds like it is true in your marriage.
I always put my needs/wants/desires last, my oldest-younger brother always puts his first and it has caused a LOT of conflict between us. My youngest-younger brother somehow learned to put his own needs last as well and he's MUCH less happy and fulfilled than my oldest-younger brother. I'm learning to put my needs first, and it's making me a better partner to my wonderful boyfriend, AND a better sister/daughter/all-around-person.<
You are your own #1! You're the only you you've got!
Keep fighting that depression, I think thebloggess.com has a lot of helpful advise about that and the #1 thing is that depression LIES. It is stupid chemicals in your brain effing with you for the pure joy of doing so. Don't let depression win because it WILL fade, it CAN be controlled, and you ARE worthy of coming out the other side! :-)
Have a great weekend and CALL YOUR DOCTOR RIGHT NOW!!! :-)
1480 days ago
Sending you love and light, Dee!
Echoing what everyone else has said, please make sure you get the medical attention you need, even if that means having an uncomfortable discussion with your husband about finances so that you can visit a doctor as well.
Also, be sure you are getting enough magnesium. Magnesium may help ease symptoms of anxiety and depression. Speaking from personal experience, this has made a huge difference for me! You can get magnesium from food sources such as almonds, whole grains, and green leafy vegetables, as well as supplements.
Finally, it's funny someone mentioned the safety demo on the plane. In flight attendant training, one of the first things we were taught was "Consider your own needs first." If you are incapacitated, you cannot care for others. That's not selfish, it's common sense.
Take care of yourself and be well!
1480 days ago
Hi Dee, I've been wondering too, if things had gotten so bad, it was hard to reach out. I know the feeling well and it's awful. But you are doing it...which is HUGE! Ya, know, there is something to be said for the spiel you get on the plane before take off. You know the one, "in case of loss of cabin pressure, put the mask on yourself first." It makes sense when you think about it, but gees, it's hard to do in real life. You are such a dear person and so deserve to take care of yourself! His hang nail can wait this month...you do what you need to do. You are important, too. We all love you here and I know, I for one have had you in my prayers many times. You can do this, girlfriend. Kayla
1481 days ago
Dee, it's not you ! Women have been taught for years that they should "sacrifice" their health, their emotions and their well being for their husband, their children and their parents. It's what a good wife, daughter or mother would do.
Well, at some point, we really do have to be a little bit selfish. Because if we don't take care of ourselves, we won't be there for anyone else. That's the catch 22. I think you should take a cue from your husband and go to the doctor. If there is money for him to take care of his hang nail, there's money for you to deal with your depression. Get an appointment and talk to your doctor. Take those first steps the same way you're working with OA. build the foundation to rebuild your health.
1481 days ago
I wondered if your situation had become difficult when you hadn't been around for so long. Please fight that urge to stay all curled up in a fetal position and keep in touch. We all love ya and are here for you. Big Hugs, Calen~
1481 days ago
Oh Dee, I know how tough it is. You are doing really well to start with OA to take some steps to care for you. You are worth it to go get help. I get it. I bet you wish someone could help you with your burdens - DH, to think of the family (you) instead of his own focus in times of trouble, someone to put you in the equation. And I've found that feeling my whole life too (in fact I'm probably projecting like mad here), but for me, one of my main things to combat depression is learning that I need to feel like my own priority. I bet that's what felt so good to you the first time round at Calorie King, you were putting your needs in the spotlight to loose the weight.
Good for you for reaching out. I know that the last thing that feels like a desire in depression is to come out of your shell, cave, crying pillow and interact. The energy feels drained, but you did it anyway!
Thinking of you today.
1481 days ago
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