Tuesday, November 13, 2012
I have been thinking a whole lot lately about how I talk to myself. I have come to the conclusion that I am not very nice to myself. If I said the things I say to myself to another human being, it would border on abuse! I would probably run away crying if someone I love talked to me the way I talk to myself.
So, why do I do this? What began my pattern of self-abuse? I have no idea and it doesn't really matter. The fact of the matter is, I am aware of it and awareness is the first step to recovery.
A few months ago our pastor gave a sermon about thoughts. I remember speaking to a friend afterwards about it and I said the same things I said above. I was, however, not motivated to change my thoughts just yet. For some reason, that day is today.
I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck and began the day with an approaching migraine. Said migraine is held at bay so far but lingers just beyond my realm of function. I cancelled my day so I could rest and then decided to drink some coffee to help constrict the blood vessels in my head. The torrent of self-talk followed......
" You're such a failure!"
"Your clients will hate you for this."
"Do you really have no ability to muster?"
"What a wimp!"
So on and so forth until I am cowed to submission by my inner bully.
This is not good. I won't bore you with the details of how I came to find the link above but I am glad I did because this crappy day just got a whole lot more promising. It is time for me to stop beating my self up over every little thing and be kinder to myself. I would normally not share this type of thing but hope it might inspire someone else to be kinder to themselves.