Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Life is tough sometimes. And when you are trying to lose weight, it can be even harder. This has been such a long journey and I am getting discouraged that it's not happening a little faster. I am gaining weight and I honestly have NO idea why. I got under 200 pounds once. It was glorious. I loved it and was so happy and proud. I vowed I would NEVER go back. But I did. At first I thought it was muscle. I do all the "extreme" workout programs. P90X, Insanity, Tapout XT... I love them all. I have seen the most progress with Tapout XT. My body changed in ways I never thought possible. I have beautiful muscle definition now... really awesome. Yet, I gained and was dangerously close to 200 again. (Lowest I got was 193). Then, seemingly overnight, I was over 200 again and for months now I have bounced up and down between 201 to 208.
I am also exhausted. I mean, really really really tired. I am usually full of energy. I am always on the go. I have been doing double workouts since school started back (I'm a substitute teacher who gets called- A LOT!) So on the days I work (lately 5 days a week) I spend an hour in the school gym and then come home and do my Tapout XT. (I am on round 2- my second 90-day rotation) I'm wondering if I am just doing too much? I also have a two year old who is proving that "terrible twos" do exist. Maybe just the combination is enough to wear me out?
I just don't know. I have had my thyroid tested and it's fine. I'm starting to get concerned over the whole fatigue thing though. I know fatigue can either mean I am just tired or that something else is wrong.
My plan is to *try* to take a break this week. Yesterday all I did was walk on the treadmill at 3mpg at 12% incline for 45 minutes. That's like a stroll compared to what I usually do. I have no idea what I will do today. That's why I like the 90-day programs because it gives me structure and a goal to work towards. When I just go blindly into working out I feel lost... I have almost 100 workout DVDs so I can certainly find something to do, but I feel like I need direction.
Overall, I am struggling with the concept of "focusing on where I have come from and not where I have to go." I have lost over 120 pounds. But that means nothing to me because I feel like a failure because I can't get under 200. I feel like a failure because I am STILL wearing a size 14/16 when I want to be a 10/12 (I know, not important!). I feel like a failure because my two year old has a total meltdown at least once a day. I feel like a failure because I cannot look in the mirror and be proud of what I see...
There has GOT to be a way to get past these things...