Tuesday, November 13, 2012
I am trying REALLY hard to not focus on the number on the scale. I overate again yesterday. Was it still within my range? Yes. But it's overeating for me. And you know what? The scale was up yet ANOTHER 0.4 lbs this morning. That's 3 days in a row of the scale going up 0.4 lbs. And as much as I don't regret overeating on Saturday, I do yesterday. So much so, that I slept horribly last night. I wouldn't let myself fall sleep and when I did, I was up only a few hours later. The process then repeated a few times. I was just so anxious about what the scale would read this morning. That tomorrow is WI, that I'm going to post a gain (I'm SOOO sorry Phoenix - especially after Kika's Jillian talk!!). But most importantly, I'm going to have to post a gain in my tracker. That has only happened ONCE before. Ok, the scale has gone up 3 times in the past, but I've never updated my tracker over it. But this? Ugh. I'm going to have to. I'm slightly freaking out.
So what am I trying to do? Really realize that it's not JUST the number. It's that I can run over an hour. It's that my resting pulse is constantly around 55 bpm (the heart rate monitor app is a great FREE app available on most smart phones!). It's that my heart and blood pressure are healthy (even though my cholesterol isn't, but hey, that's just genetic. I can't do anything else to change that!). It's that I'm working out everyday. Eating REAL food (even if it is too much sometimes). It's that I've maintained this lifestyle change for almost a year. It's that, as of right now, I'm 86 lbs down. It's that I wouldn't change a thing (except how much I ate yesterday).
So I need to think - WHY do I want to eat so much? My stomach says NO!! but my mind goes YES! I don't understand! I know that I have a dissociative disorder, but that's more of a "side effect" of a bigger problem. But even still, I have this great ability to separate my mind from my body. It's problematic as it'll cause me to have complete lapses in time. But when it happens, I am no longer in control, my mind is. That's sort of what happens when I overeat. But I have to ask myself - WHY? I know what triggers my dissociating (high anxiety about the major issue), but why is it happening with food!?! This has happened a few times before, and I'm not sure why it is happening more so recently. I NEED to be in control, not my mind, but MY actions. It's very annoying. I'm sure that any binge eaters out there can relate (I think! I don't know any bingers and I am not one, but I would imagine that people who do binge sort of dissociate when they do so?). I should bring it up in therapy, but I don't know.
So what am I going to do? Well, eventually I know I'm going to see a nutritionist or dietician. It was going to be when I met maintenance so that they could help me transition into that phase. A personal trainer might help, too. Maybe a personal trainer/nutritionist person would be the most beneficial. But maybe I'll meet this person earlier rather than later. Regardless, it's going to happen in January. I don't know where I'm moving come then, so I'm just going to wait.
Speaking of which - there are jobs available here in Charlotte in chemistry, blood bank, AND micro. There are only 3 of us looking for jobs in January, so it's VERY promising that I'll get a job offer. However, I also am applying to jobs in Charleston (where my aunt lives) and in Raleigh (where my family and friends are). I'm submitting the application to both jobs this afternoon once I perfect my cover letter. I'm looking forward to it! I would REALLY love to move back to Raleigh, but I would also really like to stay in Charlotte! Moving to Charleston wouldn't be too bad either. I've heard that the hospital down there is really nice! So I'll just have to see what happens.
And I'm seeing a friend who I haven't seen in FOREVER tonight. We're suppose to get dinner. At 8pm. That's late for me. I normally eat dinner at 7. It's going to be difficult going out to eat, but she's told me that this deli is great for both GF and dairy free options. Still, I want to see the menu first and let her know. I would love to see her, but I just don't want to go out to eat! It stresses me out!! But if it's REAL food, then it will be ok.