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    BETH150   1,826
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A very very RAW & Ugly Vent. Marriage or Divorce?


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I am seriously warning any one who starts to read this blog. It is a very raw & ugly vent. It is probably not coming from a person (that would be me lol) who has too many give a craps left in her a this point. If you read it & feel the need to tell me how I need to be more understanding, patient blah blah, please for the sake of my sanity - please don't!
I gave the idea of posting this here very serious thought. I started to post & removed it at least 3 times. I finally decided to post it praying someone here can help me with some ideas of how to deal with this situation.

As brief as possible back ground: Hubby (aka hub)just turned 49 yrs old & has Dementia. He has PICKS disease which is much like Alzheimer's but "worse" in many ways. It brings with it a host of Mental Health issues. Since we found out what is wrong with him 10 months ago I can say with 100% honesty that I have been nothing but supportive, helpful, kind, thoughtful etc. I carry the full load as to all of life issues and don't allow him to even be aware of any stress in our lives. Stress will make this gain speed. He does still work (we own a commercial cleaning biz)with help. He is still working for a few reasons. 1. His Drs agree it is good for him. 2. I have a serious spine injury (hurt on the job) that has me in pain 24/7 and to do this type of work will literally cripple me. 3. I said I welcome your comments (and I do!) but I BEG of you please don't tell me that I need to look into x, y or z. We need his income. We qualify for NOTHING! With being self-employed since I was 15, we paid into the wrong "fund" and just recently found out we do not qualify for any SS SSI SSD or ANYTHING else.*this is the part I beg you not to comment on* I have spent countless hours in meetings and such about this. The only thing we can get is welfare, which is 376.00 total cash & 88.00 a month in Food Stamps. NO housing etc. So suffice it to say that the number 3 reason he is still working is we need the $$$.
I am currently working at home with setting up websites & taking more computer classes with the goal being this summer he can quit or at least cut back more.
He had a horrible experience a little over 4 yrs ago & the Drs have explained to me that the PICKS was a time bomb sitting there waiting to go off. The trauma he faced set the bomb off at least 20 yrs before it would have went off on it's own.

and now back to the current marriage "drama" ;0)

So as I was saying I have been supportive in every way possible to him. As I feel I should had been. Not looking for any pats on the back.

Any ways Hub has made NO progress in ANY area in the past 10 months since we where told about the PICKS. He is much much worse. BUT it is not the disease that is worse it's HIM!

He is using this to the MAX! Everything is about him. He won't allow me the time to study and or work on the computer, he uses this disease to play the poor me card day in & day out.

On top of having this major back injury (with nerve damage) my Dr thinks I have cancer of the bladder & as of most recently (about 2 months ago) my Dr also thinks what I thought was the flue was actually a Heart Attack.TMI WARNING- I was throwing up & had major jaw pain for a few hrs.

I have not gone back to the cancer Dr since March! Why? Every time I make an appointment to go he starts up on how bad he is & that he can't be left alone while I go & on and on he goes. (until you've lived with someone with serious mental health issues it's hard to understand how draining this can be). I was on the phone making the appt to get the tests I need for the possible Heart issue and he over heard me & stormed in my office & started f bombing so bad I hung up. Please don't tell me what I already know. I know I know I need to go. I AM GOING! I will make the appts while he is not home and I have not brought either of these situations up in a very long time, so by now he has forgotten them and I will just tell him I have errands to run. He will call me a zillion times but at least I can go get this all taken care of.

So here is where I am at. Do I leave or stay or is there a safe healthy way to stay? I am trapped here right now as of the $ situation but I am giving serious thought to stopping giving my all to him & throwing myself into this new web biz and making my own income & then leaving. I know he is sick, I get it! But he is doing nothing to help himself.

He refuses to help me around the house. It stinks like pi** from our poor dog who he takes out every 12 hrs. I won't let anyone in the door any more as I am so ashamed how bad it is. He won't go grocery shopping with me or help me in with the house with anything.

Note* He has a team of wonderful people who we both meet with weekly. But he has been lying to them all along. He does the poor mes to them & they buy it. I have not "busted" him as I worry that the one place he feels he has people totally on his side will be taken away from him.

Well I am going to share my very ugly raw letter I wrote yesterday to myself. I do NOT talk like this in real life - this is a letter of raw inner rage.
****************************
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11/11/12 I am so angry with hub right now! I am beyond angry I am disgusted! I feel like he is a f leach! I have given him all I have to give him over the past 4 yrs. and have dug deep inside these last 10 or 11 months & have given him my ALL. For what? He still f moans & groans and pisses around feeling sorry for himself & wont do a f thing to help himself! He hurts, hes tried, hes sick, he does not know this, he does not know that, he forgot, he is trying (bull pooh!) and his excuses just never never never end! I get nothing but crap from him anymore. When I finally reach my end and blow up he immediately goes into poor me mode and he does not know how much longer he can hold on.
He manipulates me with his anger & poor mes! I am so so sick of it all! I want to walk out the door on this life & never return!
I think of all that he does that pees me off the worst is he lies to me now! He never never use to lie now the lies just roll off his tongue!
I can count on him for 1 thing & 1 thing only going to work. Even that comes with a price I have to pay for. He reminds me each & every day how much he hates going to work. Not a f day passes that he does not talk negative about it. I am so so sick of it! I want to vomit out all that he FORCES me to listen to!
Yes forces! If I dont listen then he starts his s*#t of you dont care about me all I am is your slave I am just a pay check to you and blah blah blah.
Then I have to reassure him of his value in my life which as of now are all lies on my end! He brings NO value to my life he is a f leach! I want to walk away!
I no longer feel sorry for him. He is not trying to do a f thing. I am done trying for both of us!
Whenever I find something in my life to feel joy about he erases it with his NON STOP *itching & wining!
I am desperately trying to find a way to mentally divorce myself from him & tell him I wont allow him to affect me like this anymore. My hope is he will finally stand on his own 2 feet and deal with what he needs to deal with and leave me to do what I need/want to do.
He is holding me back in life in every single way!
He is drowning & taking me with him but he refuses to grab onto the life ring that has been thrown right to him! He wont even lift a hand to TRY to hold onto it.
I AM SO SICK OF HIS ISSUES HOLDING ME BACK IN LIFE. I WANT TO GROW, I WANT TO DO I WANT TO BE!
I need to find a way for him to stop draining me!
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A few months ago I was down to like 248 and went to my highest weight ever of 276 in just 8 weeks (maybe less).

I don't know how to "divorce" myself and remain living here but living here is killing me in so many ways.

PS: I have responded to some posts in the comments section & will keep responding this way, so if you want to read my thoughts/questions about your post(s) please look for my responses in that section :)

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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
1_AMAZING_WOMAN 12/23/2012 6:09PM

    I am in exactly the same situation. I can't divorce either.


Comment edited on: 12/26/2012 1:24:35 PM

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NESARIAN 11/19/2012 12:58PM

    Hi Beth,
I am new to your blog. After reading all the excellent suggestions, and your comments, it is crystal clear change needs to occur for your health and well being. Hub is not in a healthy mental state and that is down grading your quality of life also.

You are versed in computer use so go online and find a PICKS association and see about support groups. WEBMD may even have one.
It sound as if online support is your best bet given the constraints you are facing.

Setting boundaries about what you will accept is imperative. Hub may be feeling inadequate etc. No excuse for his abusive behavior of you. Maybe ask him to explain his understanding of his behavior and the effect it has on you. His answer will inform you of his reality and help guide your choices.

To hang in for a year when your Soul is being sucked dry is not going to be done without an emotional price. Best I can think of is to work on separating yourself emotionally from his abuse and accepting that it is HIS issue. Maybe have a phrase like "These are Hub's feelings and I will not own them." "At this moment, I am doing the best that I know how to do." This Too Shall Pass. Anything that grounds you in your reality so you do not blur yours with his and lose yourself.

I think telling him honestly about what his behavior is doing to you and asking if that is what he intends will allow you to guide your choices.

You asked how to stay for a year while you prepare to be self sufficient. First off, I want to applaud you for your efforts. You are not playing the victim but thinking of how best to survive while making sure you can take care of yourself. The Dalia Lama may even be challenged by what you are trying to live with!

Marriage vows do not include abuse. The ultimate decision is yours. You know what you are facing with PICKS. It does not sound like things will improve without intervention. If hub is influenced by his jealousy of you, then I doubt he will be responsive to anything you say but may listen to a professional. He seems invested in presenting a positive picture of himself to others. Thus the lying to his team and his lack of reality. If you cannot get help for yourself via the team, you can bring this up in team meetings. They need to know the truth. Once they see the reality, it may open doors to other services. If the team buys that he is doing so well, they see little need for services.

Lastly, NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, www.nami.org may be able to offer helpful information. I hope you check it out.

Keep your focus in what you need to do with your classes and websites. I find if I have a plan, I feel better.

I wish you the best.

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WINDSWEPTACRES 11/18/2012 10:03PM

    No words of wisdom here; just prayers that you will find the help you need. emoticon

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SLIMMERKIWI 11/17/2012 3:42PM

    Is there anyone around you (friend or Church group or other Community group) who could take hubby out for a drive a couple hours to give you a break and let you do what YOU need to do?

I DO really feel for you!

BIG hugs,
Kris xxx



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IAMAGEMLOVER 11/17/2012 2:13PM

    Wishing you the best Beth. I have no solutions, I don't know what I would do. Please just take care of yourself.

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MILLERISHEALTHY 11/17/2012 12:40AM

    My heart goes out to you. I don't know how you do it. I agree with the Sparkers who have said that his team and health professionals need to know EXACTLY what is going on at home - even if you have to say it ALL in FRONT of HIM. My mother has "mild" dementia (at least that's what they call it) and I am very open with the doctors in her presence about all the weird stuff she's doing and how she's changing. She's accuses me of saying she's crazy, but I don't care - I have to let the doctors know what's going on.

Now, that said, I don't have to hear her cussing at me. She doesn't do that. She just gets huffy and angry and makes excuses & says I'm saying she's crazy. I just don't think you can go on any longer without letting his team and doctors know the real truth. How can they help him or you if they don't have the whole picture?

Even if he loses some of his dignity, it still has to be done. I lost of lot of my dignity in my 20's when I was locked in a mental hospital 4 times, but sometimes we have to face hard truths in this life and face the facts. And the facts are that he's going way down hill and dragging you with him. Tell his providers & team ASAP. Just my humble opinion - forgive me if you take my advice and it backfires on you, but honestly, I don't see how it could get much worse anyway.

Good luck and God bless, emoticon

Miller

Comment edited on: 11/17/2012 12:44:09 AM

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SONGBIRDPAULA 11/16/2012 4:57PM

    emoticon emoticon

I'm so sorry for all of the issues you are going through right now. Next month, I will have been a member of Spark People for 1 yr. Over all of that time, I've read over and over of people with seemingly unsermountable problems in their lives. I have my own ton of issues as many other people do. We all need to support each other not only in our weight journey's, but in our emotional and life journey's as well.

Every morning just as soon as we wake up, I think it is a good thing to remind and say to ourselves....
"Today is the new day I've been waiting for!"
Yesterday's are out the window emoticon , the today's are brand new! emoticon

I have no real solution ideas for you, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Prayer really does change things. emoticon emoticon

Have a blessed day and wonderful journey to the new you!

Paula emoticon

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BETH150 11/14/2012 10:48AM

    No respite care or anything is available. Not in our area or any where at this point. In part due to nothing being in our area. I use to be a foster parent and this area is in serious lack of anything like this. Think small coal mining area ;) I use to end up with 13 kids at a time in my home, even though the "law" only allows 9 max. Plus they have a score card (of sorts) to qualify for any possible (which there is none any ways) services. He scores too high at this time.

No We are not allowed in separate rooms etc. I have turned over all those rocks.

What I am really seeking right now are (for lack of a better term) mental exercises, frame of mind etc to be able to deal with him & return to what I am doing without "it" blowing out my circuits.

Like this AM. I get up and realize he was headed to bed (works midnight shift) without a shower again! So within 2 minutes of me waking up I am dealing with - Me: you know you must shower every day before you go to bed as of the germs you have on your body. Him: I'm too tired. Me: Your playing chess online, your not too tired. Him: F you! Me: Just take a shower. (We have this same talk at least 2 times a week.)

He does not forget - he admits he just does not feel like it.

So now within 5 minutes of me getting up I am already PO and frustrated that I have to be mom to him. NOT from the sickness but from his attitude of "I can get away with anything I want until I am caught" frame of mind.

IF something happens that is due to his illness my frame of mind is good. I just chalk it up to what I need to do to help him. I do plenty to help him each day due to the illness & have no issues with that.

It is when he does/does not do things I KNOW is his choice that I need help finding a way to "recover" from so I can move forward.

I feel like there has to be some sort of a mental, spiritual or what ever "exercise" I can do to clean, protect, erase etc the ongoing negativity he throws at me. That is what I am seeking.


PS: I know he needs to stop using me & taking advantage of me and that his team needs to be involved. BUT I also know that I or anyone else can't force him to change. So while I am working on ways to bring his team into this area of our lives I need some tools for me ;)
Say I am able to bring all of this out in the open, it will take time to work it out IF he chooses to work on it. So instead of waiting it out I want to find ways that free up MY mind and allow me to move forward with all I need to do.


Comment edited on: 11/14/2012 10:55:09 AM

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TAMENI2 11/14/2012 9:42AM

    First, let me say my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have struggled in your marriage for a while and now another challenge has come up.

You do need to get POA (for financial and health care) and Advanced Directive documents completed while your hub is able to. It will really be important later to have these in place. There should be a social worker on his team who can direct you in how to go about doing this. If not, the local hospital or Aging and Long Term Care (ALTC) office could help.

ALTC could also have programs to provide respite care even if you don't qualify for financial assistance. You could qualify for certain number of hours a month to have someone be with your hub freeing you for self care.

ElderCare Online (http://www.ec-online.net) has forums for support with other caregivers. There are specific forums for dementia care. Many are caring for younger victims. Your site you are setting up really sounds great and is needed.

Under the best circumstances, caring for someone with frontal lobe dementia is really hard. You have other challenges thrown in too. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is build a support system for you. SP and other online is great. You also need some local people you can turn to in a crisis. This is easier said than done, especially in a small community. Maybe the support group 2 hours away has some contacts more local for you. You need your own team.

It is important for you and your hub that you be able to notify his team what is going on. It can affect his treatment. Is it possible that someone on the team can meet with you at the same time someone is meeting with him in another room? A letter could also be good. You are a key part of his team and information you can provide is essential. Good luck and I will be remembering you in my prayers. emoticon



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BETH150 11/13/2012 9:56PM

    I have a lot more info/idea then I did before. I never gave the police idea a thought! I shudder to think how that could go... without me talking to them beforehand.

My own team. Hmmmmm. I need to give that some thought. I am in the process of opening a website for people that have a loved one who is "young" (to be defined by themselves not me) & has dementia. But it will be a bit before it grows enough to count on it for support.

The only place of support for either dementia and/or depression is 2 hrs away from me. I have called everyone!

Yes with a POA then I can talk to the team without hub there - kind of. I am not allowed an actual appt, but they did say I can write and/or get a few minutes of their time before he is seen. Something about he must be IN the room X amount of time or insurance won't pay. So I need to get a POA done.

I want to want to stay with him! I have made it very clear to him & everyone else that I am committed. He is sick. I fully agree with wedding vows etc etc.

I wrote the title to this blog in a "rage" if you will. The marriage/divorce was a part of that anger.

I need to know how to separate myself from him while still living with him.

I 10000000% agree about the own income thing!!!!! I work so many hours a day with taking my online classes & working the websites I own. I average about 12 hrs a day at least between the two.

Just to add a peek into a normal day here - I am working hard coding (which he knows I am doing & I can't lose my concentration while doing) & he will come into my office & stand in front of my desk & stare at me until I ask him "what". I'm out of chips - he says. If I say "I'll get them in a little bit" he will leave until he thinks of another reason to pop back in. If I say "I told you yesterday when I went shopping to write down what you needed. I am not running to the store today for chips". Or if I say "you know your suppose to write these things down in your notebook instead of coming in here". The "fight" is on. He will scream, yell, curse (maybe slam doors & such). He will do this for HOURS! Or same example but he wants to tell me that he has a callous on his foot. Or about a funny TV commercial, really just about anything. His team does know about this behavior and they have been working with him for months.

My point in sharing this example is to say this - this is what I mean when I say I need help not allowing him to affect me. After him doing this several times in a short period, I am either angry, frustrated or just plain worn out and can no longer give my work the attention I need to.

That is just 1 example of how a day goes here but in reality it happens aprox 15 times a day with something he does/does not do that creates chaos for me. ALL of which (at this time) his team tells me IS control-able on his end. He chooses to act like this instead of using the tools (the notebook as 1 example) he has.

I need to learn how to separate myself! Any ideas of how after I have to deal with him in a negative way I can get myself back on track?


PS: Please allow me to say a huge "THANK YOU" to each person who has responded in any way to me!! Your support is so very much appreciated! :)




Comment edited on: 11/13/2012 9:58:51 PM

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X5X52000 11/13/2012 8:03PM

    emoticon

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TIGGERJEAN 11/13/2012 3:59PM

    Dear Beth,

I don't have a lot of advice to offer - but I wanted to let you know that I will be thinking about praying for you. I would second FangFaceKitty about letting the police department know what is happening -especially if lying is something he is getting into more.

Focus on the ways you can become independent - first, because he is holding that wage over your head and second for your own stability. (I mean, even if your relationship improves, what will you do if his condition worsens and he can not work any more?) You are feeling trapped and you need something to help you feel empowered.

I will be praying for you, Beth!

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FANGFACEKITTY 11/13/2012 3:06PM

    I agree with the others, he knows (to a certain extent) what he is doing to you. But with dementia it is always hard to tell from the outside how much they really understand about what they are doing - how much is deliberate and how much is the disease twisting their thinking. My Grandmother lived with me for about 2 years, with dementia, and I never could get a sense of it - was she lying to me or was the disease making her believe whatever? Was she really that nasty or unpleasant or was it the disease? I believe dementia strips a person down to his/her basic personality so if that personality is bad...you're left with what you are experiencing.

You have to take care of you first. You "need" to have a heart to heart with your husband, tell him flat out you know what he's doing and you're not going to stand for it - you are not his whipping boy. Basically the shape up or ship out speech. You already know he can't do everything you want but I bet he can do more than he has been. You also need to let his Team know his antics. I'm certainly not an expert but I don't think HIPAA laws prohibit you from discussing his care with his caregivers outside of his presence. I, and my aunt/uncle/Mom have had discussions with my grandmother's doctors and social workers without her presence (she signed the HIPAA papers saying her info could be disclosed to certain people). If all else fails write them a letter. At worst...he refuses to go back. Don't let him make that your problem. Make it a condition of staying.

I think you do have some responsibility to care for your husband "in sickness & health" & all that...but that doesn't mean you have to be a slave to someone who is not even trying to help himself. If he had deteriorated to the point where he absolutely could not help with his own care...that's one thing. But to refuse to help is something quite different. You have to try...you have been trying...now it's to the point where he needs to try to.

I would try to get a Team for yourself, even if it is unofficial (you're off to a good start here on SP). If you do leave, and truly have no friends or family local who can help you, try a women's shelter to start. At least you'll have a place to sleep and they can help with suggestions on what to do next and what you might need to do legally (they probably can't / won't help with actual legal work but they can give suggestions). If no women's shelter, try a church. Look in the yellow pages for support groups or organizations that can either help or offer advice. Check the bulletin boards at the local college.

And have a talk with your local police department, explain his disease and what it could mean in terms of behaviour, so they know in advance not to take anything he says at face value. People suffering from dementia 1) can wander off; & 2) can become violent and you need to recognize that and take steps in advance to protect yourself; & 3) feel persecuted; & 4) lie (or maybe the disease makes them believe it is the truth. My grandmother was busy telling everyone who would listen that I abused her, that I locked her in her room and wouldn't let her come out to eat or use the bathroom, and all sorts of other nastiness. Had I not gotten it on record so to speak the police just might have reacted differently when she tried to report me for elder abuse. And it might not have been her, all it takes is your hubs complaining about your "abuse" to someone who is outside and that person reporting you.

Ultimately you are the only person who can decide what you are going to do. I wish you luck in whatever choices you make.

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DR1939 11/13/2012 3:06PM

    Beth, I can certainly understand why you are angry and frustrated with him. A hallmark of Picks is the personality change. For many that means that the negative attributes that most people attempt to keep under control just get worse. Understanding this, of course, does not make it easier for you to deal with. You really need to find some sort of local help. I suspect you have already made many of the calls that I'm going to suggest but maybe there will be some that are new. Try the closest skilled nursing facility and ask them what sources of support they know about. Call Social Services at the nearest hospital and see if they can help. Visit your physician and make it plain that you are unable to cope. Talk to a lawyer about gaining guardianship (ask about free services). Don't give up on asking for help. If no one at the nearest nursing home/hospital/physician's office/lawyer is willing to help, try the next nearest. If there is a university with a clinical psychology program anywhere near you they usually have clinical help available on a sliding scale. You may want to consider calling the one in your state (almost every state has one) and asking about some local assistance.

emoticon

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BETH150 11/13/2012 12:35PM

    I do want to respond to some of the posts here. 1st - My deepest Thanks!!! (((HUGS))
We live in a small town & the only support group is a 2 hr drive away. My insurance won't pay for anything for me as I don't have mental health issues - yet! ;)
I am not allowed to talk to his team alone - HIPPA (correct name?) Laws & such- BOO!
If I would bring this all up or even a few things in-front of him I know he would refuse to go back for his appts. The last thing either of us need is for him to quit going! He can't be forced to go - legally or other wise.

He would LOVE to go inpatient!!! Would LOVE it! Would not have to work, would have people to listen to his poor me's, etc.

I go to every appt with him & only ask of him what I am 100% sure he is able to do. We are talking about requests that are very basic. i.e. carry grocery's in house for me, run a vacuum, take dog out potty etc.

Judy you are 100% correct! he is FULLY aware what he is doing to me!!!

A lot of what he is doing now he has always done but on a much lower scale. He now just uses his illness (es) as a green card.

I have no one to live with & no way to get any income if I leave. So until I can produce some income I need to learn how to stay but not allow him to affect me like this.

PS: I want to add that I am usually a very strong person. Under normal circumstances I would never put up with behavior like this! He KNOWS that!!! I think he is getting away with what he can while he can. I have always (even before the disease set in) suspected he was jealous of me in general. Some times I think he does what he does so I don't succeed & will always be forced to depend on him.

But back to me being strong. I KNOW there has to be a way for me to protect myself. I just need to find it! I need about 1 more yr before my business will support me (us?).

Like some how in my mind I need to be able to not allow him to harm, control, use, affect, weaken, anger me to the point I am at right now which is raw & feeling so weak I am having trouble even studying my computer classes so I can make a new life.

That is what I am seeking help for, so if you have any ideas for that I would be open to considering them :)



Comment edited on: 11/13/2012 12:52:49 PM

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1CRAZYDOG 11/13/2012 10:47AM

    I am not you so all I can do is offer you my thoughts and prayers. I would encourage you to let his team know exactly what is going on! Even if it is a visit to them without him . . . whatever it takes. You definitely are in a bad place, but need to be able to take care of you.



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LADYANDREA2012 11/13/2012 10:04AM

    I agree with Judy, you need a break, you need time for yourself, you need to sort things out and to take care of your health, but you need your own space, peace of mind, and your own time. If I were you, I will leave him, but without saying anything to him, just make the arrangements, say you are going to run errands, take your computer and leave him. You are the most important person right now and you deserve quality of life, well being, happiness, peace all day around you, you do need that time, so do not think about it anymore, make all the necessary arrangements and movements and go away, please run for your life!!!!!

We at the Sparkpeople community are here to support you and to walk with you all the way in your Spark journey.

(((((((HUGS))))))))

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FELINA 11/13/2012 9:49AM

    I think you definitely need to inform his team exactly what's going on. I'm sure they'll understand since some of his behavior could be related to his disease. You also need to inform his doc's and yours as well, since this is effecting your health. It's not healthy or helpful for you to keep this all to yourself. If you stay, you're no good to him or you if your health and sanity are negatively effected.

Also, find out if there is a support group available. A group for family/spouses of dementia patients. You need to be able to talk this out and get support/suggestions from those who are going through similar situations.

As far as leaving him, that's a personal decision that only you can make.

I hope you find a solution for both you and your husband.
emoticon

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PYNETREE 11/13/2012 8:56AM

    You are in a bad place...both physically and emotionaly. And somethings got to give way soon. Sorry, don't have any solution or ideas. Just offering prayers and sympathy.

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JUDYAMK 11/13/2012 8:48AM

    He is making you his VICTIM. I think he is doing his antics to you on purpose because of his condition,meaning he wants you to suffer also,almost like a jealousy thing. He knows fully well what he is doing to you.I know what I would do, if I were treated like that. I would run like the devil was chasing & gaining on me!!!!!!!!!!!
Judy

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MAHGRET 11/13/2012 8:47AM

    You say he has a "team"- is there any way you can get one too? Maybe (behind his back) ask his doctor if there is any kind of support group for spouses of people with dementia or even his particular illness? It might help you sort out what you need to do if you have contact with people who have been there and know exactly what you are going through.

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TATTER3 11/13/2012 6:32AM

    I have no advice. My friend from church had a similar event recently with spouse and after he was placed in home..she was informed that the insurance was gone and she would have to take him home. No caregivers available and no financial income All I can say is please hold on. You will do what you need to do. I'm so sorry.

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PATTYKLAVER 11/13/2012 6:08AM

    I can certainly sympathize with you. It sounds like my marriage. I finally had to consider my health and sanity and leave. I am now trying to divorce him and he's fighting every step of the way while giving everyone else the "poor me" story. Do what is best for you right now. Good luck.

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SLIMMERKIWI 11/13/2012 3:00AM

    You sure are stuffed if you do, but stuffed if you don't! :-(

Are you able to call his bluff and tell him that you will arrange to have him put into a Care Home because he is obviously pretty bad? Another alternative is to come right out and tell him that he is capable of doing more to help, and if he doesn't start to pull finger to HIS capabilities then you will leave him.

I would certainly let his various Health Providers know EXACTLY what is going on and what he has become like. You will be amazed at how much that alone will lighten the load on your shoulders.

If all else fails, you need to look to YOUR sanity - don't make a martyr of yourself because of his selfishness. Talk with YOUR Dr and let him/her know exactly what is happening. It wouldn't even hurt to copy your blog and give to the Dr to read - the same with HIS Health Providers! You won't be 'punished' for it! You can ask that they not mention that you have said anything.

Good luck with YOUR health issues, too! They DO need checking out. BTW - "had major jaw pain for a few hrs" and excessive sweating - like beads of perspiration dripping off your head and face - are common symptoms of heart attacks which are often overlooked!

BIG hugs,
Kris xxx



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AZTLAN777 11/13/2012 2:24AM

    so sorry...

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 11/13/2012 2:20AM

    WOW!!!! It sounds like you have WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much on your plate. Have you talked with his doctor to see what chores or responsibilities he is capable of doing? If so, make a list of the things that he CAN do, and hold him responsible for doing them. I know from experience that is easier said than done, but if you could do that and get him to help you a little, that would take some of the burdon off you. You have to look out for Number ONE (YOU) in all of this, too. You sound very unhappy in your marriage. Can you just ignore some of his whining and complaining? I was married to a man for a very long time who came across as the "KING of Whining and Complaining." Finally, he left me, and honestly, I have lived 'happily ever after.' I wish I had some advice to give you on how to deal with him that might actually be helpful, but the most important thing that I CAN tell you is that YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers in hopes that things will soon be brighter for you.

HUGS
Pam

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