Tuesday, November 13, 2012
I am seriously warning any one who starts to read this blog. It is a very raw & ugly vent. It is probably not coming from a person (that would be me lol) who has too many give a craps left in her a this point. If you read it & feel the need to tell me how I need to be more understanding, patient blah blah, please for the sake of my sanity - please don't!
I gave the idea of posting this here very serious thought. I started to post & removed it at least 3 times. I finally decided to post it praying someone here can help me with some ideas of how to deal with this situation.
As brief as possible back ground: Hubby (aka hub)just turned 49 yrs old & has Dementia. He has PICKS disease which is much like Alzheimer's but "worse" in many ways. It brings with it a host of Mental Health issues. Since we found out what is wrong with him 10 months ago I can say with 100% honesty that I have been nothing but supportive, helpful, kind, thoughtful etc. I carry the full load as to all of life issues and don't allow him to even be aware of any stress in our lives. Stress will make this gain speed. He does still work (we own a commercial cleaning biz)with help. He is still working for a few reasons. 1. His Drs agree it is good for him. 2. I have a serious spine injury (hurt on the job) that has me in pain 24/7 and to do this type of work will literally cripple me. 3. I said I welcome your comments (and I do!) but I BEG of you please don't tell me that I need to look into x, y or z. We need his income. We qualify for NOTHING! With being self-employed since I was 15, we paid into the wrong "fund" and just recently found out we do not qualify for any SS SSI SSD or ANYTHING else.*this is the part I beg you not to comment on* I have spent countless hours in meetings and such about this. The only thing we can get is welfare, which is 376.00 total cash & 88.00 a month in Food Stamps. NO housing etc. So suffice it to say that the number 3 reason he is still working is we need the $$$.
I am currently working at home with setting up websites & taking more computer classes with the goal being this summer he can quit or at least cut back more.
He had a horrible experience a little over 4 yrs ago & the Drs have explained to me that the PICKS was a time bomb sitting there waiting to go off. The trauma he faced set the bomb off at least 20 yrs before it would have went off on it's own.
and now back to the current marriage "drama" ;0)
So as I was saying I have been supportive in every way possible to him. As I feel I should had been. Not looking for any pats on the back.
Any ways Hub has made NO progress in ANY area in the past 10 months since we where told about the PICKS. He is much much worse. BUT it is not the disease that is worse it's HIM!
He is using this to the MAX! Everything is about him. He won't allow me the time to study and or work on the computer, he uses this disease to play the poor me card day in & day out.
On top of having this major back injury (with nerve damage) my Dr thinks I have cancer of the bladder & as of most recently (about 2 months ago) my Dr also thinks what I thought was the flue was actually a Heart Attack.TMI WARNING- I was throwing up & had major jaw pain for a few hrs.
I have not gone back to the cancer Dr since March! Why? Every time I make an appointment to go he starts up on how bad he is & that he can't be left alone while I go & on and on he goes. (until you've lived with someone with serious mental health issues it's hard to understand how draining this can be). I was on the phone making the appt to get the tests I need for the possible Heart issue and he over heard me & stormed in my office & started f bombing so bad I hung up. Please don't tell me what I already know. I know I know I need to go. I AM GOING! I will make the appts while he is not home and I have not brought either of these situations up in a very long time, so by now he has forgotten them and I will just tell him I have errands to run. He will call me a zillion times but at least I can go get this all taken care of.
So here is where I am at. Do I leave or stay or is there a safe healthy way to stay? I am trapped here right now as of the $ situation but I am giving serious thought to stopping giving my all to him & throwing myself into this new web biz and making my own income & then leaving. I know he is sick, I get it! But he is doing nothing to help himself.
He refuses to help me around the house. It stinks like pi** from our poor dog who he takes out every 12 hrs. I won't let anyone in the door any more as I am so ashamed how bad it is. He won't go grocery shopping with me or help me in with the house with anything.
Note* He has a team of wonderful people who we both meet with weekly. But he has been lying to them all along. He does the poor mes to them & they buy it. I have not "busted" him as I worry that the one place he feels he has people totally on his side will be taken away from him.
Well I am going to share my very ugly raw letter I wrote yesterday to myself. I do NOT talk like this in real life - this is a letter of raw inner rage.
11/11/12 I am so angry with hub right now! I am beyond angry I am disgusted! I feel like he is a f leach! I have given him all I have to give him over the past 4 yrs. and have dug deep inside these last 10 or 11 months & have given him my ALL. For what? He still f moans & groans and pisses around feeling sorry for himself & won’t do a f thing to help himself! He hurts, he’s tried, he’s sick, he does not know this, he does not know that, he forgot, he is trying (bull pooh!) and his excuses just never never never end! I get nothing but crap from him anymore. When I finally reach my end and blow up he immediately goes into poor me mode and he does not know how much longer he can hold on.
He manipulates me with his anger & poor mes! I am so so sick of it all! I want to walk out the door on this life & never return!
I think of all that he does that pees me off the worst is he lies to me now! He never never use to lie now the lies just roll off his tongue!
I can count on him for 1 thing & 1 thing only – going to work. Even that comes with a price I have to pay for. He reminds me each & every day how much he hates going to work. Not a f day passes that he does not talk negative about it. I am so so sick of it! I want to vomit out all that he FORCES me to listen to!
Yes forces! If I don’t listen then he starts his s*#t of you don’t care about me – all I am is your slave I am just a pay check to you and blah blah blah.
Then I have to reassure him of his value in my life which as of now are all lies on my end! He brings NO value to my life – he is a f leach! I want to walk away!
I no longer feel sorry for him. He is not trying to do a f thing. I am done trying for both of us!
Whenever I find something in my life to feel joy about he erases it with his NON STOP *itching & wining!
I am desperately trying to find a way to mentally divorce myself from him & tell him I won’t allow him to affect me like this anymore. My hope is he will finally stand on his own 2 feet and deal with what he needs to deal with and leave me to do what I need/want to do.
He is holding me back in life in every single way!
He is drowning & taking me with him but he refuses to grab onto the life ring that has been thrown right to him! He won’t even lift a hand to TRY to hold onto it.
I AM SO SICK OF HIS ISSUES HOLDING ME BACK IN LIFE. I WANT TO GROW, I WANT TO DO I WANT TO BE!
I need to find a way for him to stop draining me!
A few months ago I was down to like 248 and went to my highest weight ever of 276 in just 8 weeks (maybe less).
I don't know how to "divorce" myself and remain living here but living here is killing me in so many ways.
PS: I have responded to some posts in the comments section & will keep responding this way, so if you want to read my thoughts/questions about your post(s) please look for my responses in that section :)