Monday, November 12, 2012
Well it was a bad food day. It started going wrong when I exercised hard before breakfast. I only meant to do a ten minute light workout and it turned into 50 minutes hard. I came in feeling low blood sugar and then I did not eat enough or a balance of foods. Then I found myself out of the house at a doctor's office and again with low sugar with nothing in my purse. The rest of the day staggered along food wise and I ended up grazing from this afternoon until now on sugars and carbs instead of eating proper meals. A normal person could look at today and say well, it was an off day but I'll get back to normal tomorrow. I am not normal though. This could well be a trigger for a binge and it is a scary thought. As a diabetic I cannot binge. I need to consider how this happened.
Have I been controlling my food too much? Thoughts have been going through my head of restrictive food plans. Tomorrow, three meals and two snacks. Ten minutes exercise before meals ONLY. I will plan it all in the morning, log it and breath. Drink all my water. Right now I'm going to check my blood sugars. I did this afternoon and was at 7 which is fine after eating. Still, I'm scared. Spark people is sooo good for me. No dieting. It is so bad for me to be around people who have severely restrictive food plans and I have been. I start believing I am eating too much or questioning the amount of fiber etc that I have learned to eat. I have to trust Spark People.. who have been sending little messages saying I am not eating enough the past while for the amount of exercising I have been doing. Ah... weight loss... not today. No. Find the balance again first.
Ah... I thought this week would be a good one. DH is away for a while and I am supposed to be writing. But of course there have been appointments for DD and me... I am waiting for a repair person to book coming so worried every time I leave the house... and my mind started creating this idea of doing something just a little drastic to push myself into one-der-land... surprise DH when he gets home. Sigh. I am and always will be a compulsive eater. Danger Will Robinson, Danger! It is pretty amazing that I am sitting here admitting to a terrible food day, my fears etc. I could just justify it all and try and get away with it. But for me there have to be consequences to "going off plan" before something bad happens. The consequence is having to plan and making it a very "normal" meal plan tomorrow. Check my blood sugars before and after each meal. Having to eat at set times. No excuses. My life depends on it. Funny too that this morning I felt so content. Well, the food monster lurks and waits for it's opportunities... just when we put down our guard.
I know lots of you out there will not understand this blog. Trust me... I am at this moment not sane. These are behaviours I recognize all too well. Long time since I have felt this way though. Feeling a little noxious now... darn. Yup... time to check the blood sugars. Sleep it off and apologize to my body for the damage I have done it.