Fighting an urge
Monday, November 12, 2012
I'm writing now even though I'm really busy because I just got triggered and feel at risk for messing up. Hopefully by blogging I can wait out this urge I have to binge. The past couple of days have been ok, and I've managed not to binge. A large part of this motivation has come from that realization that I could drop some weight (even lowering my range by 2 lbs would help) by my race on December 1st which would also be beneficial to my healing foot since there'd be less pressure on it. As the days went on, I've also gained the additional motivation that comes from having done well for several days. Anyway, I do not want to mess up now. I'll try to recall some positive things I've done towards my goals....
+ My friends and I were going to go for a long mountain day hike this past Saturday, but because my foot was healing (and possible bad weather), we cancelled it. Because of this cancellation, I was able to go to this special yoga event that my teachers put on, and it was a lot of fun. Silver lining! Yoga isn't the same as running, but it still helps tremendously to help me to feel grounded and connected.
+ I got really triggered last night when I put on some pants to go out to dinner. These were pants I haven't worn in a while, and they used to be really easy fitting. I could barely get them over my hips, and buttoning them was almost painful. I really started to freak out and felt like crying and wanted to binge or punish myself somehow, but in the end I was able to let it go and reminded myself that I shouldn't expect to see results right away, that bingeing would just set me back more, and that the best thing to do would be to accept the situation, and stay on track as best I could rather than giving up. I am proud of myself for making it through that; that was a tough one.
+ My foot keeps getting better. I did a short test run and felt really depressed afterwards because it clearly wasn't really fit to run on yet. At this point I seriously have to consider dropping from my race, because it would probably be risking further/more serious injury to run on it, but at least it is getting better. I'm grateful for the support I've received from my running buddies in dealing with this injury. I'm having a hard time accepting the idea that I may not be able to do this race I've been waiting and training so hard for, but in the end I know that my health is the most important thing, and it's not worth damaging the foot for a race. I think this is a very conflicted "positive" point because while I am really trying to be positive, part of me is still filled with a lot of negative, pessimistic thoughts about this issue.
+ I stepped on the scale just before writing this and it was 132. This is why I'm writing now instead of trying to do research. Once again, I freaked out, and I'm still dealing with the urge to binge. "All your work at not bingeing is just making things worse right now. You're disgusting and you're going to mess up your foot even more by weighing more. You might as well binge, since not bingeing obviously isn't really changing anything". Positive: It could be water weight. Try and let it pass; you know your weight can fluctuate a LOT due to water, and you know that just a few days ago when you stepped on it, it was 126. It's likely that this kind of jump in a few days is just water retention, which is ok, as long as your range goes down. Bingeing is just going to make it fluctuate even more, and is just going to get you stuck in the guilt and behavior cycle that you've been fighting for so long. To finally be free of that, you have to face challenges like this and change your behavior. If you make it through today and tomorrow, that will be a week binge-free, which would be really good. Don't give up.