So does this mean that I'm afraid that my relationship with my father will change and that I won't be able to see him anymore if I'm naturally slender, grow up, and move on?
I had a lot of problems in my child hood. My Dad wasn't around a lot due to his job. He has other children from his first marriage. Those kids resented my brother and I. They were really mean and abusive to me every chance they could get. My Dad wouldn't believe what was happening because he had his own health issues that rendered him unfit to parent at that time. Since then, we have been able to iron out his medical issue (sleep apnea), and he is a different guy. Not to mention the fact that I am now technically, grown up. In spite of my living arrangement, I am nearly 35 years old. I live at home because my finances haven't yet sat up and barked.
I am working on releasing my inner demons and moving on with my life. I believe (as so many do) that I will move on when I have finally released whatever aspect of my life that has been serving me.
I need to do my meditations to release these fears. These old, old fears, and behavior patterns no longer serve me. What once may have been true, is now released, and I can move on because I'm not 3 years old anymore. I don't have to remain childish to continue to have a relationship with my father.
I don't even have to stay angry, because honestly, whats the point of a relationship based on anger anyway? Its a bit of a fraud. I don't want my relationship with my father to be based on me manipulating him into saying or doing what I want. I hate to say it, but maybe I just don't want a relationship at all. Certainly, not this bigger part of my life kind of thing that I have now.
I think I've been holding on so hard because I am terrified of what will happen if he isn't around and engaged with me mentally. I am afraid that something (like it has) terrible will happen to me.
The difference is that now, I'm nearly 35 years old. I'm more capable than I used to be. I have my BA. I have friends who will give character references. I have basic computer skills. I have the ability to write a report. I have a good resume. I can take direction and I can learn new skills. I don't have a new job yet, but I wonder sometimes if that is because I have held back. If I had forged forward, no holds barred, would I be farther along? Or is it the economy? I don't know. I was afraid of failure.
I was afraid that the wrong people would notice me again, and hurt me again. I kept my fat to protect myself. Since then, I have learned that I was safe at a size 12. This recent weight gain was about health issues, not about willingness. Now, I'm willing to get down to a size 12. I didn't notice guys being inappropriate. I did feel safe. So, I'm going to cling to that idea: I was safe and I will be safe again.
I have had jobs. I worked at the Walt Disney company straight out of school. I went through the internship in FL. It was great. I went to work in the film industry for a couple of years. I earned my certificate in script supervising. I discovered that I hate doing a job that is only clerical when I'm not getting compensated and it is costing me my health. I worked 20 hour days as the norm. My weight went up, I was going to die. My doctor told me. So, I quit. I earned my certificate in legal video, and there was no work. Que nada. I spent a lot of money. I invested in equipment. And the economy took a nose dive.
My Dad was there to help me. I moved in with my parents. I provided him with video services. I did 2 years of work. And, the guy my Dad was working for paid him nothing for me. I got paid nothing. I don't have a reference because my boss was my Dad. People don't recognize or respect any work that you did for family. As far as the job market is concerned, I was doing nothing for two years. I've sent out more resumes than I can count, I go to job fairs, I get my resume looked over. I talk to hiring managers. I go on meet ups. I attend everything I can think of. What I don't have is any faith.
Without the faith, its really hard to want to do the work of educating myself. I don't see the point. There is no way out. There is no solution. The only consolation is this: my parents have a retirement. They have a home. I won't have to live on the street. Even if I have to give up my health care. Its not easy to feel like a mistake. I often feel as though everything would have been better without me. I wouldn't be the burden on my family. I never wanted that.
Well. Like they said on Grey's the other day, "buck up."