Monday, November 12, 2012
To date, I have lost about 63 lbs from my highest pregnancy weight. I am 13 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight, and my BMI right now is 21.6 - well within the healthy range.
Beyond that, I am wearing a pant size smaller than I was before I got pregnant. My dresses fit beautifully. My sister, who has also recently lost weight, gave me a bag full of dress pants that no longer fit her. In the bag, a pair of pants I gave her once upon a time, having given up on ever losing enough weight to button the tiny, un-budging size 6. I wore them two weeks ago, and they were a little too big.
Obviously, I have lost weight.
So why don't I SEE it? When I look in the mirror, I see the larger version of myself staring back. The girl from high school who smothered her sadness in ranch dressing and drove away disappointment with fried foods. My stomach is flabby, my thighs seem huge, and my cheeks are invariably chipmunk-like.
I feel so lost. The facts are irrefutable, I am at a healthy weight. Yet, my eyes refuse to acknowledge this. I sit here, having lost 63lbs, wondering why it isn't enough. Wondering how much more I would need to lose before I feel as though I'm "there". Wondering if that's even possible.
Anyone familiar with this feeling? Any tips for reconciling these two disparate pictures that I have of myself?