Monday, November 12, 2012
This weekend I was at my parents house and we were talking about Thanksgiving. I literally told them that since I suck at this gluten free thing, why bother making Thanksgiving dinner gluten free. It is more expensive, more time consuming, more hassle...I was sad saying it but really felt it was best. Thank God for moms, cause my mom fought back and declared that this was a stupid choice on my part. This was Saturday...I called her up on Sunday and told her she was right. Thanksgiving will still be gluten free.
But all this craziness led us into a conversation about change and comfort zones and OCD. lol. Seriously, in my family we all seem to have OCD in some form. With my autistic brother it comes in many more noticeable ways, such as repetive phrases, behaviors, needing to eat the same meals each day, etc. With my grandfather it was alcoholism (24 years sober). With my dad it was drug addiction (28 years clean). With my mom it is with picking her cuticles and nails. With me it is my need for 3 paper towels at a time (LMAO, dont judge please!!). It also comes to us in the form of anxiety and depression. So we related this to my eating. A person with OCD may know they do something crazy, want to change it so bad, fight themselves about it and then turn around and do it anyway. This is me with gluten, corn and dairy. I feel like crap...really truly. It is getting worse by the day. And I still continue to choose to eat it. It is what I am using for a challenge this week for one of my teams. We had to choose something to eliminate, something processed. Well, most gluten products are processed so I figured, why not choose it.
But I am so frustrated with myself. I am miserable and struggle to force myself to change. I mean, where is that little dominant voice in my head and why wont it shut up or work in my favor?? Or could it be, as my mom pointed out, that after 6 months of change (I was gluten and dairy free for the first 6 months of 2012) I was so out of sorts that being miserable still felt better than feeling well. I mean, I had spent forever feeling crappy...it was the only thing making sense. It was what I did best lol. I felt crappy all the time. I was sick a lot. I hurt all the time. My stomach was a constant mess. And mentally I was a wreck. But this was my comfort zone, this was my life, this was the only thing I knew. So changing and feeling better was great, but it was so different that I was uncomfortable...leading to the day where I caved and ate a cheesesteak after 6 months of being so good. And you know what? It tasted so good and I felt so bad afterwards...and I continued to eat gluten and dairy each day from then til now. Allowing myself to spend the last 4 months miserable, hurting, aching, sick...in my familiar uncomfortable comfort zone.
I hate it here. In this place where I have lost control of myself. I hate the place that has tears welling in my eyes as I type this. It hurts here. I wish I could say it hurts enough that I will stay gluten free all week for my challenge, or continue it beyond the challenge. But honestly I am not sure. I am trying. Literally one day at a time with this. Like an addict trying to give up a substance but turning right back to it...I am the alcoholic and gluten is my drink of choice.