Monday, November 12, 2012
Right now, I've had enough. I've had enough of continuously thinking and considering what I can eat, with questions constantly flying around my head like: ''What's in my calorie budget?'' ''What will everyone else want for dinner?'' ''I can't do that because they won't want that twice in a week, so how about this?'' ''How much work will I have to put into my workout to fix eating this?'' ''How do I say no and not offend him/her when she keeps offering me food?'' ''Oh I can't have that, even though I want to claw out of my body, through my eyes to eat it!!!''
Every day I'm FIGHTING and STRUGGLING to stay within my calories and not go off the deep end and shovel 3000 kcals worth of chocolate and crisps into my mouth and to hell with the consequences... And then the annoying thought that follows every time (which isn't annoying and really she's talking sense that usually saves me), ''It's gonna mean extra hard work at the gym for you to get rid of that...'' And that is just during the DAY! At night it's a whole different ball game:
Text from family ''Off to the supermarket do we need anything?'' Me ''No got what we need'' (or a long list of food for the weeks meals) reply ''Ok do u want anything for tonight?'' My killer question. Sounds fine, but actually this is a loaded question that has me in knots because it means sweets. Before we started Sparkpeople, every night we'd eat sweets, chocolate, crisps and these were BIG family pack bags. Then for the first 12 months on Sparkpeople, we didn't do it. We had one night a week for take-aways, but unless we had calories left to fill, nothing was allowed during the week... AT ALL. Now suddenly we are. We're having take-aways, and sweets, together on a Friday, and it leaked out to cover the entire weekend. Now it's week day again.
All of my family are on Sparkpeople, but I feel like I'm the one that's struggling and fighting for it all the time. I'm not saying they're not, but they are giving in and eating chocolate and crisps, whilst I sit there in the front room with a face like a smacked backside, listening and seeing them eat the things I am desperately crying inwardly to eat. And then THEY ask ME why I'm grumpy in the evenings. And I know if I told them they'd either give me the look of ''shut up and stop complaining you can have some if you want'' or ''It's my life I can do what I want'' or ''You can go upstairs then'' (which I have been told in the past, but do they realise I'd be upstairs at least 4 nights a week if I did that every time they had something?).
The phrase I hate, NO DESPISE, is the one that hurts; ''It's my life I can do what I want.''
There is every opportunity that my family will read this, which will mean I'll either be told off for being so blunt or not saying anything (but if I do I'm ridiculed) or they say they'll take it 'seriously' and then 5 days later go back to the way it was. But there's a reason why I'm being possibly grumpy and overbearing about it. 8 weeks ago I saw my neighbour wheeled out of their home into and ambulance after suffering a heart attack. They're not old, not overweight, but still had it, and since then diabetes and high blood pressure has been added to their list. They're also the same age as one of my family members. It has terrified me, because I've seen it happen and I don't want that happening to my family. So I'm trying to get us healthy, get the weight off us, and live longer together. I love them so much and I don't want to live without them any time soon. So the statement ''It's my life I can do what I want'' is right, it is their life, but I'M the one who would have to deal with the worst consequence for the both of them.
I'm trying to hold on... but this is becoming so hard. And what is worse is that it doesn't have to be. We proved it last year. Losing weight and breaking habits was difficult, but manageable. I'm not blameless, because I cave in. The other week they were eating sweets and I was offered them and I ate it, HATING myself whilst I did it. I was even told to take them otherwise they'd eat it, so losing my will I ate it for them. I didn't have to, but the fight left me. And what's worse? I've put weight on, (my friend was over at the weekend, so I wasn't on my best behaviour and we all ate badly) and they've either lost or gained just a lb, even though I've done an extra day at the gym more, and cycled during the week.
There's only two avenues I have now, because I have experienced the inner peace you have when you're weight loss is working; it's the emotional and psychological strength and physical changes that you gain when you lose weight. But it's either live fat, unhealthy and unhappy or struggle on unhappily in the hope that I'll get there one day and reach my 154lb goal.
I suppose there are no questions or multiple avenues to take when you really think about it... and as usual I'm choosing avenue number 2, the hardest route and my only route... I have to