Monday, November 12, 2012
I have been about 12 pounds from goal for so long and after making a serious commitment to finally get the last of this off, I was fired up and ready to go. I started out on a challenge last Monday with thoughts that I could actually be at my goal by Christmas. I was truly so stoked but wait there was something else. I was enthused, excited and thinking about the goal but there was something else. I was also a little sad and confused???? Ok, what is that funny thought in my head? Could I really be feeling a sad feeling in not being overweight anymore? Hmmm, so I decided it's time to look at this. There is something in me that likes being in the "sorority" of weight losers. I like to be in a group and this is such a good and supportive group I've been in. I have fought the battle since I was a teenager. In fact I almost made my goal in 2000 but then something derailed me and I stayed about 20 pounds from goal for several years until a medical issue brought me up another 30 pounds. So then I started again and ultimately found SP to bring me to within 12 pounds of my goal and that is where I've sat since June. Down 2, up 2 so I have to ask if I'm sabotaging myself on purpose and I'm thinking yes.
As I said I like my group of dieting buddies. We've talked diets, recipes, lamented over our slow losses, compared our workouts and yet as I've gotten closer to goal, I've been excluded a little. I get the "do you really need to lose weight?" and "oh, you lost .5, how nice, I lost 5 pounds". I've even been asked if maybe I'm a little bit obsessive since I'm not that much overweight anymore.
I know this seems silly but this is something I need to explore in order to "let" myself release this last of weight. I want to be at my goal and learn how to maintain my healthy body so now I need to get that little part in me that is holding me back on board too. After all my efforts, I deserve to look good and feel good. I'm by nature kind of a team player but not the competitive type. I feel bad when I'm successful and others are struggling. See this is all such a jumble of emotions that I'm hoping that in writing them and reading them maybe I can figure out what makes me sabotage my efforts. I still could have the rest of my weight off in 2012 and make 2013 my first year ever of maintenance if I can get to the understanding of all this.
As so many have said, weight loss is about so much more than the pounds. It is about growing into the person I know I am. I am slowly becoming that person. I'm looking in the mirror and seeing the fruits of my efforts. People have told me how much better I look and say I don't look or act 60. I can try on clothes at the store and they look pretty good. I truly feel better than I've felt in a long time, energy to run after my 4 grandkids, exercise every day, do my housework. See I see all the benefits of my weight loss. Now I want to enjoy the benefit of saying I'm at GOAL! I wonder what I'll do with all the time I've spent worrying about the "diet"? Don't get me wrong. I will always exercise and eat right but I want to see what it feels like to not be overweight. Any insights or advice, anyone?