But I screwed my courage to the sticking place, and stepped on the scale anyway.
That's 30 lbs higher than my lowest weight ever, back before I did the Flying Pig. And despite my vows never to see the 200s again, and the months of bouncing around in the 190s trying not to let it happen, there it is.
It could, however, have been far worse. Gods know the past 2 months I've been on a spiral of binging and comfort eating, and I haven't been to the gym at all.
Of course, there are tons of reasons I could cling to...
No time to plan meals, cook healthy or get to the gym due to attempting to go to school and work full time (except, I DID do all those things the first 2 weeks at the new job, but when the school work started piling on I just stopped...)
No money for healthy food (we've been shopping at Aldi's a lot, which is honestly crap quality...BUT we only skipped one or two GreanBEAN deliveries so we're still getting decent produce, I've just let it go to waste which is far worse for the budget).
Depression over possibly (probably) having to let my gym membership go due to finances (except, they gave me a month free to figure things out, and the mate is starting a new job tonight so I MAY be able to keep it...and it's not like I don't have access to the gym at school...) Frankly, though, I think the depression started when I had to cancel my plans on doing the Warrior Dash this summer, it killed me and I've been unable to really do anything towards fitness - specifically running - since.
Frustration seeing everybody I know suddenly making healthy choices, blogging and posting about it on facebook and getting cheers and kudos after I've been doing this for 3 fricken' years (which goes for organizing for Sparkpeople too - after crickets last year, suddenly there's interest around Sparkpeople about the Pig this year), of course NOW when I've fallen off the wagon and am running behind it trying to catch up... (Sour grapes, pure sour grapes there...I know better than this)
But then I saw this the other day, and found the old "race juices" starting to get the better of me ('cause yeah, I still SO want to do this!)
And I got all choked up yesterday watching a piece on the Iron Man Triathalon as I was feeding a resident in his room last night (oh hey, yeah, I should probably eventually update on all the job stuff too, later, I promise).
And felt SO inspired when I saw a commercial promoting the Thanksgiving Day Race, and at the same time SO frustrated and embarrassed knowing I could never be ready for it right now...not this year.
And dammit, I want to get back there again.
So, I spun the wheel today. Day one of a new streak.
I'm going to make salad so I have it for work tonight.
I'm looking at healthy recipes for Thanksgiving.
And I stepped on the scale, tracked it honestly, and intend to start tracking my food and fitness again.
And I'll be at the gym bright and early Tuesday morning for Zumba.
I need to do this. I NEED this - I miss the me I'd become. And I wouldn't be pursuing ANY of the dreams or have made the changes I've made if I hadn't had success here.
So, watch out Sparkpeople.
Euphrates is back.