Sunday, November 11, 2012
Last week was terrible when it came to my food choices and portions. I am pleased to report that this past week went much more smoothly for me, and I can safely say that I am back on track. I have been able to curb my cravings and not overindulge in anything that I regretted (even when stoned - a remarkable feat!). I have exercised like crazy, even when I was not in the mood for it at ALL. I have been rewarded for my efforts with more weight loss, and I am now down to 158 lbs, just 0.5 lbs away from being able to say that I have lost 70 lbs! Oh my goodness, just typing that out gave me goosebumps! I can't believe it! Sparkpeople has made all the difference in me sticking to this, seriously. I just want to thank all the people who are constantly encouraging me here. Because of you, I find the strength to keep going, and to pick myself and dust myself off after falling off the wagon, and I get right back on again, as opposed to staying on the dirty ground, like I most likely would have before. I am also only 8 lbs away from my Christmas weight loss goal. I really hope I can make it down to 150 by then. Considering that is less than 2 lbs a week, I should be able to do it, but I know that the lighter I get, the harder it will be to lose the weight, so I don't really know. We shall see, I suppose. What I do know for a fact is that I will keep at it.
I have been considering lowering my final goal weight as well. I'm not sure if I will do it or not, but I'd love to lower it from 135 to 125. I guess I'll decide when I hit 140, and see how I look and how I feel. At that point, I will finally be at what is considered a "healthy" weight for me. I'll confess, that one of the reasons that I am thinking of trying to make it down to 125 is so I can honestly say that I have lost over 100 lbs. I can only imagine what an incredible feeling that will be! But I don't want to get too over ambitious yet. I am already so proud of myself for how far I have come. If I set unattainable goals, I might get too discouraged and give up the ghost, so I have to be super careful. But I am already at the point where I am truly beginning to love myself again. Yes, there are things about myself I can't stand, that I'll probably never be able to change. I have stretch marks and some loose skin that I hate looking at! Although it's appearance has been reduced significantly, I still have quite a bit of cellulite. But I really need to accept these things about myself and focus on the things I do like about myself now. Like how I can feel and see nicely defined my ribs and pelvis and shoulder blades; how tiny my waist is getting (always one of my favourite features); how nicely clothes are falling on me now; how much more energy and lust for life I have; how much more fun it is to get dressed up and put makeup on, now that I have some clothes I truly like and that I feel express my identity much better than the old plus sized clothing I had to settle for before. I am thankful for all these things, and so really need to focus on them more than the things about myself I cannot change.
I must confess a lot of these thoughts were triggered by a blog post I just read, where one of my very beautiful Spark friends stated that she thought she was ugly. And this made me so sad, because I think she is such a lovely person both inside and out. And it is making me question the way I look at myself. Sometimes I feel like I am so ugly too, but I need to stop putting myself down. I also need to stop needing validation from others, especially from the opposite sex. The opinions of men shouldn't mean so much to me, but sadly, they sometimes do. For example, earlier this week I saw an acquaintance of mine, who just happens to be a significantly younger man who I find quite attractive. When he texted me the next day and told me he thought I looked good the night before, I was ecstatic! And I know how pathetic that is. And to be honest, I felt confident that night, and I know that I did look good. But hearing it from him made it more real. I think part of it is also that I am starting to feel old, and attention from younger men just feels good. I don't feel my age, and people often think I am still in my twenties, and I want that to last as long as possible. My boyfriend is so sweet and tells me I'm beautiful all the time, but for my insecure, narcissistic self, that is not enough. I tell myself that he's obligated to say those things, which I know is not fair to him, because he is not the type of person to say things he doesn't mean. I really need to work on this aspect of myself. As long as I feel good about myself, it shouldn't matter how other people see the way I look, and I know it! But it's not so easy to practice what I preach. Bah!
Anyhow, now that I've unburdened myself of some of these niggling thoughts flying around the empty cavern that is my brain right now, I suppose it's time for me to sign off, and maybe attempt to actually get some work done. I hope everybody has a wonderful week!