Saturday, November 10, 2012
I go Monday for the pre-op. I am beginning to get a little stressed. I have been overweight my entire life. I have often wondered why. I was adopted when I was younger, and then after my last son was born, was diagnosed w/pre cervical cancer...I was advised to find my "real family". I took my time but eventually took it upon myself to look. By a slim to none chance I found my birth mother & her family. We met.....turns out my mother is obese, my brother is obese, my grandmother was obese, several aunts & uncles are too....so...I just thought ok, this is why I am my size. I accepted it. I struggled and struggled...then in 2006 my former husband left me for someone else, we went thru a nasty nasty nasty custody battle, I lost my job, went into a deep dark place....I found a new job, came out of the depression or so I thought...2007 the divorce was final, or so I thought...June 17 came around...my birthday...guess who decided to get married, yep my ex..at this point I was still so angry, hurt....of all the days in the year he picked my birthday, REALLY??? Come July I got my divorce papers in the mail....guess what, he wasn't married...seems the judge didn't sign the divorce papers until July 17...a full month after he was "married"...which in my state didn't make them legally married. I found a little bit of enjoyment out of being the one to tell him!! Didn't matter tho...didn't change anything. August of 07 comes around...I lost my dad. I was a daddy's girl. This rocked my world to a new low. He had been my rock and my support for the past year. I didn't know what I was going to do. Two weeks later, my oldest sons best friend from the age of 3 to 18 was killed in a car wreck...A week after that, one of my best friends in the entire world was killed in a accident. I couldn't do it. It was too much. I went from watching what I ate to eating anything and everything...then I got to the point I would eat when I wasn't hungry. I finally got that under control, and then found out my oldest was not dealing with the death of Justin....to this day he hasn't. He self medicated, only he didn't use food. He got in major trouble, got arrested, spent 9 months in jail...was just released on probation this week, and already has failed his 1st drug test...I can't go thru that journey again....his brother looks up to him so much, he wants to be just like him?? This bothers me. I see Tyler going down the road Jason went on...it scares me to death. But what stresses me the most is I am having this lap band done, I have to, I have to save my life. I have diabetes insulin dependant, sleep apnea, high bp, crones, and leukemia. I am scared that I won't be able to handle the stresses in my life without food...I never have. And it will be a real challenge and I am afraid I am not up to it...I have no support at home. All I hear from the kids when I try to cook is I want McDonalds, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Wendy's, etc...How do I do this???? HOW DO I ADJUST???? I AM SCARED, STRESSED, ANXIOUS...HELP!!!!!!!!