Friday, November 09, 2012
I haven't been having the best week, I'll admit it.
I signed up Wednesday to take a Circuit Training class at my gym. It's late enough that DH is always home by then, so I figure, no problem, and even let him know what time the class is. He didn't get home in time (and he is chronically late for things anyway, and I do take it personally like his time is more important than anyone elses') and I missed the class. I was dressed and ready to go. I had put on my shoes and was ready to step out the door to at least go running on the treadmill, but I was FUMING mad. I was so mad I couldn't even speak to DH.
Instead of leaving for the gym, I decided I wanted to go to my room to be alone. I was still super angry. I have a very short hot temper, and I didn't yell or get upset. I just boiled inside. I should have gone to the gym, I tried talking myself into going to the gym, I even reached out to friends both in real life and online for encouragement to go to the gym. I left the house. But, did NOT go to the gym... I went to the store and got "binge supplies". Great. And I'm so cliche "woman": chocolate, salty chips, wine (no, it's not that time of the month!). I full intended on binging on the chips and chocolate and of course over indulging in wine to numb the disappointment. When I got home, I ran upstairs in shame, supplies in hand (children are still awake mind you), and made a phone call to a BFF I haven't spoken to in quite some time. I told her I would call her at 7:30, so I needed to keep that time. Little did I know what a lifesaver that phone call would be.
While we spoke on the phone, I ate my tuna sandwich I saved from Subway from the day before and only a handful of those chips. I was so busy chatting, that I barely ate, but I was full. Satisfied. After that, looked at the chips and seriously did NOT want any more. Then I looked at the chocolate and decided I didn't want any of that either. I still felt pretty down, angry, and then disappointed at myself, but it was like my primal urge, that shark-like state of craving where my eyes roll back and I binge binge binge, had left only a lingering impulse in me. It was there, but it was nothing. It didn't control me.
I'm still, to this moment, very upset that I just sat in my room and pouted instead of going to the gym. What a waste of energy! But, that has to be one of the first times I was cognizant of my emotions, let myself feel, then let it go. My pouting child got a time out, I guess, and it was just enough to not let the addiction control me. This was a first.