Friday, November 09, 2012
So, lately in not having a computer and having spent lots of time running, I have done lots of thinking. I have realized how much toxic stuff I put into my body, and I am not talking just food. I am talking, feelings and people AND literally stuff in my body.
I used to have days where I talked down to myself, and those are pretty much non exsistant, even on days when I do have a binge, I cut myself some slack and say it is one time right now, not another moment and move on, I am human and this habit certainly didn't form in 2 years, it will probably take a long time to totally go away. I life with feelings of guilt that feel awful to me about the time I take to myself. Lately especially I keep having this reoccuring thought about how here I have improved my own life by taking charge and taking time to myself, now my two older kids seem to be struggling so much, did I do the wrong thing? Am I taking too much? Should I be home with them right now instead of out here in 35*F weather running? I usually try to put an end to that with the thoughts of I need to be stronger for everyone in my family, my kids, my husband and myself included. If I am not strong, I will not be of much assistance to them somewhere down the road in someway.
I also had some pretty non supportive people in my life. I was told they were superficial by my husband (I hate when he is right). This started before I lost weight though, this started when I got pregnant and had a baby and none of them had babies. I was put out of the loop. The older Samuel got, the more I tried to get back in, but nothing seemed to work. In the mean time I had two friends that I didn't think were all that close to me rise up with the birth of my son and it brought me closer to them. Even when I started losing weight, I tried to get in with them and it never worked. I have realized that I don't need those people in my life anymore. I don't need to run circles around anyone to be accepted. If they don't like that my life is a little different with a younger child, or that I am smaller and have different goals and outlooks on life. So be it, I have really learned who my true friends are. Same thing goes with my relationship with my daughter, not that I am ending it by any means, but I have learned that her attitude doesn't need to impact me anymore. I am learning to step back and realize that she is old enough to learn from the mistakes if she is choosing to do things on her own and not listening to my husband and I.
I try to stay away from refined foods, I know they are bad for me, but for me if I worry about that right now on top of my own weight/food issues on top of my kid/life issues, it will probably send me straight to the looney bin. I always think that clean eating sounds appealing and I tell you BIG HUGE cheers to those of you have done it and found a way to happily do that, I wish I could be so strong. I just can't imagine my life right now making that big of a change. But I can start eliminating other toxins in my body, or as my son told me yesterday, poisons.
"Mom do you know your putting poisons into your body?" Upon watching me put my two splenda into my tea.....
"Yes, James I do realize that." Upon sitting down and drinking my tea.....then the wheels started turning......
It isn't about eliminating things all at once, this too is just like learning a healthier new lifestyle change, it is part of the process if you want it to be.
About four months ago (I wish I had written down the date cuz I don't really remember) I gave up diet soda from my day. I wasn't drinking tons, maybe 1 a day and sometimes 2. But I did see one thing.....when I was stressed, I would have the diet soda and then it usually ended up making me want to eat more. Almost like the sweetness of the soda, made me crave more sweet stuff. So, I gave it up. At that time I tried to eliminate articfical sweetners all together, but it just couldn't happen. I felt like it was too much and I felt like I was missing out on stuff I enjoyed (my teas and splenda in my yogurt) so back they came to my life.
Last night when James said something about it, I realized that I am using about 5-10 packets a day depending on what I am eating. I have at least 2 mugs of tea a day with 2 packets, and sometimes (especially lately I have three mugs, gotta stay warm somehow). If I have a yogurt, I have another packet. If I have oatmeal, I have two more packets. Yogurt and oatmeal are pretty much daily staples of mine as well, that is 10 packets of splenda. That is way too much. I agreed to him to cut back, the more I think about it the more I am thinking, why bother cutting back, might as well give them up all together. I am currently out of packets anyhow, so no better time. I am going to add 1 tsp. brown sugar to my oatmeal and try the yogurt with cinnamon or vanilla extract? I might have to add sugar to that as well though. As for my teas I am going to start with 1 tsp per cup I have. I think it will be less sweet than I am used to, but the other side to this is I don't want to use 10 tsp of sugar a day either. Right now I can use the calories anyhow, since I am still struggling to up my calories.
I am a work in progress, never a dull moment in my head or body where there is room for improvements!