I don't know how I used to think before Facebook, texting, and blogging. Now, I find myself composing FB posts in my head, wondering if I should text this or that to my friends, and trying to classify all of my feelings into a box so that I can have a title for a blog entry. I have done that so much for the past few days, and this morning I've had enough - I don't have to stay on topic to blog, and who cares if I don't have a nice, concise, catchy title for my blog. The fact is - I'M BLOGGING!! And, more importantly, the fact is that BLOGGING (SHARING) HELPS KEEP MOTIVATION UP!
Like most of you, I imagine, my life has been full of ups and downs. In high school, I was fairly athletic and much fitter than I am now, although I was not comfortable in a bathing suit and I thought my feet were much too big. But, life was good. Then, I went to college and gained more than the "freshman fifteen". I was in a very unhealthy relationship - I got married without even telling my family (and I have a great family)! The dysfunction in my new marriage turned into abuse. First it was just emotional and verbal - he told me that he didn't find me attractive because I was "fat". So, I started working out religiously and watching everything that I ate (under his supervision). I lost 65 pounds and weighed 135 when we had our "official" wedding in front of friends and family. From that point, the relationship spiraled downward - he refused to work or go to school; he spent thousands of dollars on credit that I wasn't aware of; and he became physically abusive when I told him that I was ready to leave.
But, I survived that dark place in my life and probably came out stronger on the other side as a result of it. A few years down the road, I met someone else and fell in love. We have now been married for over ten years and have two beautiful daughters. The down-side is that I allowed myself to gain lots of weight with both pregnancies, and after our second daughter was born, I basically gave up trying to lose the weight and let myself go.
Now, I weigh in at a whopping 239.2 (and that's after losing three pounds!). I am grouchier than I used to be. I am uberly self-conscious about my weight. You know the symptoms - ALL lights must be extinguished before I will even think about having "quality time" with my husband....just bought a new set of bathroom scales that will track your weight, but did I save my profile? No, are you kidding - my hubby might push a button that would reveal my weight (as if he doesn't have a good idea just by looking at me!)...I won't wear shorts....anything sleeveless is out of the question...I could go on and on. The bottom line is - my weight is affecting the quality of my life!
And it's time to do something about it. NOW.
So, I'm tracking my food. Sparkpeople is great - I love that I can punch a few buttons and see exactly what my nutrition for each day looks. It's amazing how many calories a person can consume without even thinking about it, isn't it?
I have found a small trick that helps me work out. I like to read. I have an elliptical in my office that I haven't used regularly since I bought it. Recently, I discovered that I can read while working out and still work up a pretty good sweat. So, what did I do? I started a good book, got myself hooked on it, and then put it on my ellipitcal. I am only allowed to read it while I'm working out.
I'm having some trouble with breakfast....I don't have time for anything major, but I know I need to eat something in the mornings. This week, I have grabbed a few almonds to go with my coffee. Anyone have some easy ideas??
Finally in this scattered rant, I get to a final point, reality. What caused me to decide that NOW is the time for change? I had a wake up call. I'm fat. I don't say that out loud to many people because a) I have a delusion that if I don't say it, they won't notice, and b) I know it's true, and if they say, "No, you're not." Then I will know they are liars.
I knew I was fat, and I've seen some pretty hideous pictures of myself. But I saw one this past Sunday that made my hair stand on end. It made me feel sorry for my husband. It made me embarrassed for myself and all of my family & friends. But, the good thing is that it made me realize that I need to make some changes. NOW!