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Comments, Questions, and the Picture that Kicked my Butt

Friday, November 09, 2012

I don't know how I used to think before Facebook, texting, and blogging. Now, I find myself composing FB posts in my head, wondering if I should text this or that to my friends, and trying to classify all of my feelings into a box so that I can have a title for a blog entry. I have done that so much for the past few days, and this morning I've had enough - I don't have to stay on topic to blog, and who cares if I don't have a nice, concise, catchy title for my blog. The fact is - I'M BLOGGING!! And, more importantly, the fact is that BLOGGING (SHARING) HELPS KEEP MOTIVATION UP!

Like most of you, I imagine, my life has been full of ups and downs. In high school, I was fairly athletic and much fitter than I am now, although I was not comfortable in a bathing suit and I thought my feet were much too big. But, life was good. Then, I went to college and gained more than the "freshman fifteen". I was in a very unhealthy relationship - I got married without even telling my family (and I have a great family)! The dysfunction in my new marriage turned into abuse. First it was just emotional and verbal - he told me that he didn't find me attractive because I was "fat". So, I started working out religiously and watching everything that I ate (under his supervision). I lost 65 pounds and weighed 135 when we had our "official" wedding in front of friends and family. From that point, the relationship spiraled downward - he refused to work or go to school; he spent thousands of dollars on credit that I wasn't aware of; and he became physically abusive when I told him that I was ready to leave.
But, I survived that dark place in my life and probably came out stronger on the other side as a result of it. A few years down the road, I met someone else and fell in love. We have now been married for over ten years and have two beautiful daughters. The down-side is that I allowed myself to gain lots of weight with both pregnancies, and after our second daughter was born, I basically gave up trying to lose the weight and let myself go.
Now, I weigh in at a whopping 239.2 (and that's after losing three pounds!). I am grouchier than I used to be. I am uberly self-conscious about my weight. You know the symptoms - ALL lights must be extinguished before I will even think about having "quality time" with my husband....just bought a new set of bathroom scales that will track your weight, but did I save my profile? No, are you kidding - my hubby might push a button that would reveal my weight (as if he doesn't have a good idea just by looking at me!)...I won't wear shorts....anything sleeveless is out of the question...I could go on and on. The bottom line is - my weight is affecting the quality of my life!

And it's time to do something about it. NOW.

So, I'm tracking my food. Sparkpeople is great - I love that I can punch a few buttons and see exactly what my nutrition for each day looks. It's amazing how many calories a person can consume without even thinking about it, isn't it?

I have found a small trick that helps me work out. I like to read. I have an elliptical in my office that I haven't used regularly since I bought it. Recently, I discovered that I can read while working out and still work up a pretty good sweat. So, what did I do? I started a good book, got myself hooked on it, and then put it on my ellipitcal. I am only allowed to read it while I'm working out. emoticon

I'm having some trouble with breakfast....I don't have time for anything major, but I know I need to eat something in the mornings. This week, I have grabbed a few almonds to go with my coffee. Anyone have some easy ideas??

Finally in this scattered rant, I get to a final point, reality. What caused me to decide that NOW is the time for change? I had a wake up call. I'm fat. I don't say that out loud to many people because a) I have a delusion that if I don't say it, they won't notice, and b) I know it's true, and if they say, "No, you're not." Then I will know they are liars.

I knew I was fat, and I've seen some pretty hideous pictures of myself. But I saw one this past Sunday that made my hair stand on end. It made me feel sorry for my husband. It made me embarrassed for myself and all of my family & friends. But, the good thing is that it made me realize that I need to make some changes. NOW!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    The parts about how being fat affected your life PERFECTLY describe me too, before I lost weight. It's like you're describing how I felt about everything! I love the idea to *only* let yourself read that book while on the elliptical - that's great motivation! As for breakfast, I love cereal with skim milk and a bit of fruit on the side. But if you don't like cereal, maybe you can bake yourself a loaf of whole wheat quickbread over the weekend and enjoy a slice in the mornings? You can put fruits in, cinnamon, zucchini, pumpkin, or just plain wheat bread - I LOVE quickbreads, and I may not like coffee, but I bet they'd go great with coffee for those who drink it. Or you can make a big oven-baked omelet/egg scramble with plenty of veggies, and eat a piece of that in the mornings. I'm sure there's an article on SP somewhere with lots of quick and easy breakfast ideas. :) Good luck!
    1488 days ago
    I make oatmeal once a week and just micro my serving each morning. I find I really need a big breakfast to hold most days I have oatmeal, 1cup skim milk, 1/2 tbls maple syrup and two medium eggs over easy. If I don't do the eggs, I throw 10 pecans on top of the oatmeal. This sticks to me all morning and I can't even look a party in the eye, I am just so satisfied.

    paying attention to protein and really eating nutritious foods really keeps me from craving junky stuff.
    1489 days ago
    Omgosh, the comments about "FAT" - well that's me! So glad you got out of that rough spot and are in a good relationship. Now you can do this for yourself - not for some guy who didn't appreciate what he had, or for the guy who loves you now! Just because you want to feel better, have energy, live longer. We are almost at the same weight now, so it will be nice to share the journey together.

    I blogged about rediscovering cereal a day or so ago...that's my breakfast of choice. Quick, satisfying and keeps me filled up until lunch.

    Best of luck! emoticon
    1489 days ago
    my breakfast go to: 1 serving greek yogurt with a splash of honey, 20 raspberries and five almonds. Super fast to prep and eat, filling because of the protein in the greek yogurt and the fat in the almonds, and delicious because of the raspberries and honey. 205 calories.

    Your blog was so heart felt and honest, I admire your forthright attitude. I started at that same weight, also after two pregnancies, and I know what a big deal making all those changes can be. Keep your chin up and you will succeed!
    1489 days ago
    Your blog really hit me! It's like you are talking about me! Lots of the same circumstances in our lives. Thank you for your words of inspiration. I wish you all the best in your journey. I will try to be more dedicated in mine.
    God bless, emoticon
    1489 days ago
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