Friday, November 09, 2012
So I have to question myself.
I love Spark People. I used it several years ago when I needed to loose weight with success and only failed and regained (with a vengeance) because I stopped trying again.
After awhile I just resigned myself to the cycle, I was always going to be kind of overweight. I hate dieting and was tired of the struggle. What was wrong with being curvy? Ok, more than curvy, but whatever. Maybe if I could make myself ok with it psychologically it would not matter.
A year and a half ago when one of my closest friends died at age 40 of a heart attack ( he was overweight, a couch potatoe, and a smoker) I was scared into action.
I stepped back and took a look at myself. I was over weight, I did not feel good, I had no energy, I smoked too much, drank just a little too often, had developed sciatica, and my self esteem was at an all time low.
I decided to start with exercise as I still had no willpower to diet. As I slowly got my energy back, and very slowly started seeing fat melt off I made adjustments to the amounts and types of food I ate. Some of it happened naturally. After all I was devoting a full hour and a half of post work gorging time to getting ready for and then doing my work out. My best friend also joined me and together we conquered the first 10 pounds and the worst of the smoking habit.
Another crash came when I found out my boyfriend of several years was having an affair for at least a year. Talk about a setback. Heart ache and self esteem crash! I very rapidly went into a rebound, that ended abruptly and I crashed more (emotionally). This was all on the heels of losing one of my best friends, & having my salary cut at work. I was facing the Worst depression I had in years. Strangely instead of caving, I tried to make use of some of the negative energy. I got so sick of crying that when I was home in the evening, if that cycle started again, I would punt on music and do aerobics or go out and walk/run until I was too out of breath and distracted to cry.
When the worst of the depression abated a few months later I booked myself a vacation to CanCun. I really couldnít afford it but I needed a motivator and reward. I kept the vision of myself in a bathing suit in my head and used that as a motivator to keep moving. After my vacation was over, I started a fitness challenge at work via the safety committee.
In the space of a 18mo I lost approx 25-30 lbs (maybe moreÖ I had not weighed myself at my worst but I suspect it was actually more than the 216 I was at when I first joined SparkPeople years ago). Slow and steady, but that actually reassured me that I had a better chance of keeping it off and that my healthy habits where here to stay. I still had the occasional binge, and now and then I missed a workout, but things were going well.
I did all of this without SparkPeople.
But this is bringing me to the point. Why am I suddenly back and feeling desperate?
Well a few things are going on.
I hit a plateau, I have been fluctuating the same 5 pounds for 10 weeks now.
I am dating again. The relationship is very complicated (arenít they all) but still doing well. The complications are Mostly external (exís, he has a child, non matching job, schedule, and ok, some internal, like plenty of baggage on both sides) But still there are both joys and stresses involved as in any relationship.
But the big thing is that fitting him into my schedule has made finding workout time a little more difficult. I have found that on the weeks that he does not have his son I am only working out twice a week.
Then there is the dating food. Dinner out, Baking brownies together, wine and cheese while watching a movie. This I can control a bit but it is going to take will power. MASSIVE will power.
I have suffered a very crippling income reduction, that is feeding into my stress and depression, as well as making it more difficult to invest in things like healthy foods, better workout shoes, replacing my broken pedometer, any form of gym membership, etc.
The approach of winter and the Holidays. I HATE being cold. I have seasonal affective disorder. ALL I want to do when I feel cold is huddle under blankets, eat, and have wine or hot sugar laden beverages. Late Fall and winter would always be problematic for me even if it werenít for the added temptation of Holiday eating. Last year Holiday eating was not as much of a problem because I was TOO depressed. Really I never felt celebratory. I barely notice the food and revelry around me. This year I am just average depressed and stressed (for me) and I am terrified of turning to the food and drink side of the celebrations a bit too much.
I have already noticed a small rise in my old binging tendencies.
I am out of motivators.
I no longer have the waves of tears and desperate thoughts to hide from.
I have no vacation and no money to plan one.
I canít get the people at work to join me on another crusade.
The best friend had a few life style and motivation changes of her own is no longer on the fitness crusade with me. My efforts to revitalize this have failed.
I NEED SPARKPEOPLE. I need you guys to help me stay on this. I cannot be alone in this.
I admit it.
It still have a ways to go. I need to get there and I need to stay there.
While it was great to realize that for the first time in years I like the way I looked in a photo, it has actually made me terrified of losing it.
I really am freaking out here. Maybe it is irrational, but there it is.
I have a game plan, but I am going to need encouragement and teamwork to stick to it.
If I sound like I am attention seeking in the months to come, well I am. I will need the support and attention in the worst way to combat the negativity.
I promise to try to be supportive in return. This is a team effort I know.
To anyone who made it through this crazy long blog post I thank you.