Friday, November 09, 2012
as far as food is concerned, it's been okay. the challenge helps me to make better choices. it's not perfect, but so much better than a few weeks ago. i'm very proud of myself for hanging in there today. i've been extremely sleepy this week. i'm not sure if it's just my sleeping pattern or the time change. in any event, i must correct this. it's affecting my workouts. i'm getting them in, but i can do so much more if i'm AWAKE.
i've been taking care of some business this week. i am still distracted and must get organized so i won't have to cram for tests. i do have enough time during the day to get things done. my mind is just all over the place then i procrastinate, which leads me to eating. so definitely need to work on this and come up with a plan for completing tasks in a timely fashion. just concentrate on what i have to do and complete them and then continue to plan for the future. sounds easy, but i have a lot of cleaning up to do - literally and figuratively.
but for now, getting my health and weight under control is a start. i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. i haven't been to a doctor other than when i had my car accident in a few years. i'm long overdue. the GR program enrolled recipients into the health program automatically in july. although it's county, it's still better than nothing. i have a main doctor and from that doctor, i can be referred outward. i can also choose to switch doctors, etc. for now, this doctor is really close to my home. so tomorrow i'll see how it goes. so far, i'm not that impressed by his staff. they're nice, but not as organized. i'll give it a chance since i need to create a new file. my last doctor shredded my ENTIRE medical history. he was the last one to have them and i did not go back to him for copies or see another doctor long enough to request them to be transferred. i was bummed out because my records had EVERYTHING. i liked having that so that new doctors would have a history. now i have to start over.
oh, well, i have to get over that and keep it moving. some people have NEVER seen a doctor and have NO medical history...
anyway, i'm speaking to my mother again. i had no other choice. so while i decide how best to handle situations as they arise, i just act as if. i know for her, that's comfortable. for me, it's being disingenuous. but i know we won't resolve these things and i just want to move on with my life. it hurts. it hurts a lot. so i have to concentrate on keep it moving for me and save myself. i will ask the doctor tomorrow about any support groups for eating disorders. or just a counselor. i'm still so angry with her. for now, it's just easier to just put the tension aside so i can fix and prepare my meals and take care of my business whether she's in the same room or not. my mother has no idea how the anxiety builds. it's been there since a child. i feel so small around her, like i can't win. and that hurts....it hurts a lot.
so i continue on with the challenge. several women from another FB fitness group have been involved in daily fitness challenges. they will post an image of a series of exercises and number of reps. it's usually about ten exercises. you can do one set or as many as four depending on your fitness level. i do as many as i can for one set. i'm still doing the 30-day shred and have decided to do it the way it was designed. i didn't do that before. lol so by accepting the daily fitness challenges in the group, i've committed myself to taking them. so tonight, even though i was snuggled on the couch dozing, i got up, put my fitness gear on and got it in PLUS the 30-day shred. i feel better.
and that's how i'm going to heal myself. i didn't do too shabby either. tomorrow i plan to get all of my reading and short essays out of the way to take my online exam. we don't have class on monday; so i have some time to get my math homework done. but i have to work on my client's PR campaign. i've already pushed back our bi-monthly conference call and haven't done anything. i'm not getting paid (yet), but it's a project I went after because i think they have a wonderful product. i don't want to pull out now since they have been taking my suggestions so we can package it up. it's hard being unemployed, back in school, still grieving, dealing with emotional disappointments with my mother, and still be present for my daughter and myself AND strive to build a small business on the side. and i see that i'm not working hard enough.
i don't know what it's going to take for me to just push through and keep going. in any event, i am good at what i do. i just lack the confidence to truly take it there. that's when i blame my mother....if only she had....and that's how it spirals down and i end up doing NOTHING. so i have to push past it. i have to bear down and push it out.
i'll get there.