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    STEELKICKIN   31,587
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I Met My Husband Today

Thursday, November 08, 2012

I had no idea.

I had no idea that my lifestyle has felt "threatening" to my husband.

I had no idea that my time writing, painting, hiking, has left him feeling so ignored, unneeded and often times, unappreciated. I've spent so much time trying to find MYSELF that I left HIM behind. I had no idea. Until he TOLD me. Allow me to rephrase. Until he screamed it at me. Out of frustration. MANY hurtful things were said on both sides. I felt at the end of my rope. I left two weekends ago. For two and a half days.

But he called and asked me to come home for the Steelers game. WTH? He hates the Steelers. But I drove home and we barely spoke to one another until today. My heart was literally breaking into a million pieces inside. Were the things he said true? Was what I said true? Were we seriously growing apart on every level, not caring about the other, two worlds drifting apart, no longer attracted to one another, no longer willing to bend with the tide?? I was deeply scared. He and I have been through alot in our twenty+ years together and I was beginning to think that we were not going to make it through this one intact. In fact, for the last five years we have been mimicking our former selves...braving a face in front of others, tolerating each other at home.

But this morning...thank God for brand new days...he came to me. Before I knew it, he threw his arms around me, lifted me from the floor and squeezed so hard that it took my breath. I was flabbergasted; if truth be told, I was at a loss for what to do. I eyed him suspiciously as he sat me down and that is when I noticed the tears in his eyes. He asked me if I still loved him. He asked me if I was changing so I could leave him. He asked me if I thought he was too old for me. He asked me why I spent so much time writing, painting, doing the things that he couldn't do with me...it all came rushing out in a torrent of anger, sadness, incredible honesty. He ended by saying I "left" him the day he almost died on the operating table in 2006.

God, that hit home.

Reeling, I couldn't think of a single thing to say. I had to excuse myself and I ran on my hiking trail, trying to make sense of what was said. But then I had to face the realization that what he said WAS true. And I had to face the fact that I DID "leave" him that day. I realized it was because I feared the day he WOULD leave me in that aspect and it was an incredible selfish act of self-preservation. Then suddenly, as if a movie projector was playing in my head, my mind started to replay the moments that he was reaching out to me over the years and I did not reciprocate. I sat under a tree and cried until I was literally gasping for air. Incredible shame enveloped me. Incredible pain shot through my heart...

I arrived in the back door and he was drying the dishes that I was washing before I left. He looked at me and he saw my swollen puffy eyes; laying the dishtowel down on the counter he held his arms out to me.

I ran into them so hard I almost knocked him down. He buried his face into my hair and I soaked the front of his shirt with slobber and more tears. Then he told me he was sorry. Gut wrenched with shame I whispered, "No...no...I AM SORRY..."

We spent the rest of his time home before work glued to one another. Like, two really silly kids that just found a friend in each other. Oh, we have alot of work to do, but suddenly I don't feel so alone. I don't feel so alienated. I don't feel the need to worry if I am loved...or if I love him...

I had no idea.

But now I do.

And now I can rebuild. Allow me to rephrase once again...now WE can rebuild.

It suddenly isn't so lonely anymore.

God bless you all today. Don't take anything for granted. Don't withhold love or hugs from the person in your life. Make every effort to appreciate them, understand them, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, listen to them...

By the way, this is Mr. Steelkickin...

I'm happy to have met him today.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PJSTIME 12/18/2012 7:44PM

    I am so glad that the honesty came out and you can now have a new beginning at wonderful new relationship. Your 20+ years can now double as you find newness in your relationship again.

What a great way to go into the holidays.

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KRITTERKEEPERS 12/12/2012 12:42AM

    I'm glad Mr. Steelkickin was honest with you about his feelings. Openness and honesty are the foundation for a great marriage. You have both made a great start!
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MISSUSRIVERRAT 12/9/2012 8:02AM

    I had a similar "discussion" with my husband about a month ago, only I was the one doing the shouting and crying out. I also did a sort of similar blog about this event and ended up deleting that particular blog but kept the blog of the next day that had more of a conclusion. Anyway,
I certainly can relate to this blog and, like many other commenters, brought me to tears. This marriage/relationship thing ain't so easy.


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LEMONYLOLA 11/19/2012 6:09AM

    i'm so happy it worked out for you and you were able to find each other again. thank you for sharing!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 11/18/2012 12:54PM

    wow - what an incredibly precious moment in your life that you were both able to break through years of mistrust and communicate so openly with so much love - it literally brings tears to my eyes. Wow.

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BKNOCK 11/14/2012 2:26PM

    Beautiful blog my friend! Nice to finally meet Mr. Steelkickin!
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JAYMELYNN5 11/14/2012 1:32PM

    omgoodness...I have goosebumps from head to toe!!! What a beautiful blog!! Thank you for sharing I'm so moved right now!!

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JBEAUFORD 11/10/2012 8:32PM

    What a touching thing to write. Tomorrow is my 5th anniversary with my 2nd husband. Trust me when I say that you do not want to find out how hard it is to make that fresh start, and you actually love your husband, so it is worth fighting for. My first husband was abusive in nearly every sense of the word, and by the time I got up the nerve to finally leave, I had lost faith that good men even existed. It sounds like you've got one right there. Take care of each other and may you have many more decades of happiness together!

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WORKNGONMENOW 11/10/2012 8:24PM

    glad that you and Brian have found eachother again.
Joe,and i went through the same thing,and it was hard.
love u so much

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AJDOVER1 11/10/2012 4:22PM

    you are so blessed -- and so is he

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FITGRL124 11/10/2012 9:22AM

    Your blog post made me cry. What an incredible, honest post. Thank you so much for sharing. Good luck to you both for a long happy 20+ more! emoticon

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TRENTDREAMER 11/10/2012 7:34AM

    "He ended by saying I "left" him the day he almost died on the operating table in 2006. "
* Ouch.


" I sat under a tree and cried until I was literally gasping for air. Incredible shame enveloped me. Incredible pain shot through my heart... "
* You mention God at the end of almost every blog with a reference to being loved by Him. He's taken much guilt, shame and self-unforgiveness away from me this past year. He can do the same for you.


"And now I can rebuild. Allow me to rephrase once again...now WE can rebuild.
It suddenly isn't so lonely anymore. "
* :)



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HDHAWK 11/9/2012 10:11PM

    How wonderful that your husband told you what was on his mind. You can't really move forward if you don't know the other person's feelings. It's a balance to be who you are and do what you love and include another person at the same time. Good luck to both of you. I have a good feeling about this!

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JUSTLIKEALICE 11/9/2012 9:47PM

    I am delighted to meet you both. I send you both love, and wish you all the happiness in the world for your future.

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DOVESEYES 11/9/2012 9:27PM

    Loved this blog thanks for putting it on, what a monumental turning point.
It is great you are both able to move on in a better place from a bitter, sad place.

How wonderful that you have caused us all who read this to pause and consider our own relatiionships.

Happy for you both. emoticon emoticon

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ALWYS-LKN-UP 11/9/2012 9:00PM

    I had read your blog quite a few hours ago & wanted to let it 'swish' around. Funny thing is is I was driving home tonight, rummaging thru all 3 radio stations that we get in the northwoods & heard this song. Steve Holy 'Love Don't Run.' I thought of you instantly.

I know you know that you are never given more than you can handle. You & your husband have got this, I feel in my core that this is doable, fixable. You both are evolving. How cool is that to rediscover your best friend?! Enjoy the journey :)

Deanna

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MRFUZZ 11/9/2012 8:56PM

    Oh, you made me cry! Good tears! I'm so happy for you! What a sweet, wonderful blog! And a good reminder for the rest of us!

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CALIMAN1 11/9/2012 8:23PM

    amazing blog that touched my heart in so many ways. You are both incredibly blessed to have (found) one another (again). amazing.

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SAMMIESMOM13 11/9/2012 6:24PM

   
Good luck as you get re-acquainted and renewed. God Bless.

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SINGER73 11/9/2012 4:03PM

    That was just beautiful. I'm glad that you guys found each other again. It's gives the rest of us hope.

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AWOLF24 11/9/2012 3:53PM

    Fantastic blog. I am so happy for both of you. I'm sitting here at work with tears in my eyes after reading this...

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WALLAHALLA 11/9/2012 3:23PM

    Best blog I've read in a coon's age! You are a lucky woman. Too many men won't verbalize what they are feeling, they just leave. Hope you two find time for a 2nd honeymoon so that you can leave the cares of the world behind and just celebrate each other!

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CELESTE_B 11/9/2012 2:14PM

    I absolutely loved your honestly and feeling in your blog.

It's so easy to get wrapped up in your own life/issues that you totally forget about what the other person may be going through or feeling or thinking for that matter.

Thanks for sharing because it really brings me to a reality that I really need to appreciate my husband a little more.

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KING_SLAYER 11/9/2012 2:09PM

    Congratulations on "finding" each other again. Communicating is such an easy thing to do, but so often we forget to do it until it's too late. Good for your husband for not letting it get to "too late".

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DAUGHTEROFTWIN 11/9/2012 12:50PM

    It sounds as if you and Mr. SK just unlocked the padlock to the next 20+ years. Keep communicating. Loved this blog!

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ANNANN63 11/9/2012 10:40AM

    I thank God that the two of you really talked. One thing I learned a few months ago: Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised, all we truly have is today. Plan your life as if you will live to be 100 and live each day as if it is your last.

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DABLUECAT 11/9/2012 10:14AM

    Good for you both. emoticon

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SEXBOBOMB 11/9/2012 9:58AM

    This blog gives us just enough to understand and sympathize with what you both are going through without revealing the details that are unnecessary for us to know and invasive of yours & the Mister's privacy.

As traumatic as the discussions you've had may have been, they've opened a new door to your relationship, a wonderful thing! Cheers to that, and to that healing hug in the kitchen.

I've got a good feeling about the both of you!
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Comment edited on: 11/9/2012 9:59:27 AM

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JADOMB 11/9/2012 9:53AM

    I am so glad that you have found your husband and that he has found you. These things happen with time and the pressures of life hitting us day in and day out. Also with your empty nest, it makes it harder to reconnect after so many years of putting time into raising good children. I truly know where you are coming from and my wife and I are also having to open our eyes and ears more to each other. We too find ourselves getting struggling to recognize and to reconnect in areas that we just took for granted.

So my prayers go out to you guys and I know you will do fine. Just be as patient and understanding now as you have been in the past and you may just find that you guys have a much stronger bond that you ever realized during all those years of just taking care of business. God bless

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CATMAGNET 11/9/2012 9:50AM

    You never fail to move me, darlin'. I know that when one person makes dramatic changes in a couple, it's hard sometimes for the other one to compensate. It's respect and communication that are truly the glue in any relationship. It sounds like you discovered that with your husband.

I wish you the best in this new chapter of your relationship with him! :)

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LIZZYP609 11/9/2012 9:02AM

    As I have shared with you, I too went through this with my husband just a few short years ago. We have rebuilt our marriage and I am so happy with him and all of his little faults. I...no WE still have to struggle not to fall into old habits, but I can't stand to not text, speak or touch him multiply times in a day. He is my life.
I have faith in you and Mr SK will build a better marriage and life together. It will be hard but you will do it!

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MELTEAGUE 11/9/2012 8:42AM

    Wow! you had my in tears!Thank you for your honesty! You are a great writer too!

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CRYSTALJEM 11/9/2012 8:31AM

    This such a wonderful wonderful blog. It brought tears to my eyes, I can relate to it so much. I am so happy for you. Wishing you both the best of this part of your journey together. I hope it is all you both want it to be - and more. Thank you for sharing with us.

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JENNIFER_67 11/9/2012 6:42AM

    I am so happy you have found yourselves again.

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SARASMILING 11/9/2012 6:31AM

    emoticon

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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 11/9/2012 6:10AM

    This is an issue with my 20+ year marriage also.

That little insecure boy lives in all men. Good luck and keep us posted!

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FAERY_FACE 11/9/2012 4:52AM

    I am so glad that you've come to a point of starting anew. May the rest of your lives together be incredibly beautiful and wonderful and so much more than either of you could have hoped for or dreamed of.

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DJ4HEALTH 11/9/2012 12:08AM

    So glad that you were able to talk and will be working on your marriage. I think with your weight loss that he may have thought that you would leave him for some younger guy. Yes men do think that way. As with all people we do not like change and sometimes it is hard to change even if it is for our health.

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SHARON10002 11/8/2012 11:18PM

    Michelle, I admire your COURAGE and honesty in writing something like this for all of us to read. Isn't it amazing what our minds can make us do? Our insecurities? I have no doubt you two are in it for the long haul and will grow old together as you move forward. Your love for one another comes through in your actions in the midst of all of this. You've given us all something to think about. . . emoticon

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BRADMILL2922 11/8/2012 11:18PM

    That was so incredibly honest, powerful, heartbreaking, and inspiring all rolled into one. Hate hearing you guys having to go through such heartache but these are the things that we work through and come out on the other side so much better off!

I believe you guys will do just that. Now that it is all on the table, you guys can begin to rebuild. It will take work but I am sure that it will be worth it in the end!

I wish both of you nothing but the best and much, much better days to come!

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JERMADSON7 11/8/2012 10:48PM

    Ha! Looks like those woods are good for more than just hiking, SK...

This is precisely why we respect you. You're not afraid to tell it. Gives us all something to chew on for a little while.

You guys are going to be just fine. Trust that.
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ANDREAG89 11/8/2012 10:31PM

    What an amazing outpouring of emotions. Thank you so much for sharing such intimate details of something that might not have been that easy to admit to yourself, then alone to a i-world full of strangers. It's a great reminder to remember and be with our loved ones during our quest to find ourselves.

THANK YOU.

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SASIKHASI1 11/8/2012 10:28PM

    I just went and did something to my husbad that rocked his boat!! LOL He was shocked and very surprised. We need to remember our men and what they are about for sure.

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KIPPER15 11/8/2012 10:15PM

    Wow, very powerful, thank you for sharing. I wish you the best of luck. emoticon

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KONRAD695 11/8/2012 10:14PM

    emoticon A lot of them. I understand. emoticon

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IAMLOVEDBYYOU 11/8/2012 9:59PM

    I love this. Love love love.

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HHB4181 11/8/2012 9:57PM

    wow.... i hope you guys work it out, sounds like you're on the right path. emoticon

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MYOWNHERO 11/8/2012 9:47PM

    What a beautiful story!

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HUNGRY4ACUREMOM 11/8/2012 9:43PM

    Thank you for your honesty. It truly made me look at my relationship with my husband tonight! I wish you two the best!

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SEPTEMBERSPIRIT 11/8/2012 9:40PM

    What an incredible blog... I'm happy that you met your husband again today... Life truly is short and we should never take anything for granted.

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