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CHANGINGMORGAN
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The Fat, Funny Friend?

Thursday, November 08, 2012

Let's just start this out with all cards on the table. I got toasted last night. Which means drunk. Whooooo.

Ok. Now let's back up some. The last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. Emotionally abusive ex has a gf that he loves to parade around town (remember: I was hidden in the proverbial closet), I was gossiped about and essentially told undateable because I have a hearing impairment, never got called back by a guy I was into, and then all of the work issues that I won't even begin to get into. What's important now is the couple of weeks of some massive insecurity issues that I've been faced with and all at the same time.

Last night, I was clearly out. There was a guy. I was hitting on him. My friend with me also got drunk, just moreso. She started hitting on him too. And I called her out on it, to which she showed him the text to laugh at me that I'd call her out on it. She's skinner, by far. Which, of course, hello insecurities that I'm still struggling with, and now we're adding to. And yes, he "chose" her.

I don't want to be the quintessential fat funny friend. I certainly don't use humor as a means by which to hide, but most don't know that. They don't know the hell that has been some of my life and my way of saying f that and I'm still alive is to laugh. I'm generally also not all that funny. In fact, some have said I'm a little intimidating. I'm a big girl with a simply big personality. I have tons of energy, I talk loud and fast, I walk fast, I say it like it is, and I don't run away from the truth. But when I'm out, it's like none of the other stuff matters. What I do for and in my community, how hard I work in my employment, or how loyal and compassionate and passionate I am. I'm just the funny, fat friend and I don't want to be.

Part of this struggle is that I'm not getting any younger and my dream for lots of kiddos is slowly, but surely slipping away. It's sad. It's hard to see a dream die a long and slow death. And when that dream involves a partner that I seem incapable of getting or holding onto, it becomes bittersweet.

Now, I'm not asking for a pity party or the platitudes of, oh you still have tons of time left or who cares what other people think. What I'm saying here is simply what I'm feeling. And I always try to be upfront with at least myself as to what's going on on the inside.

So in my drunken state, I wrote a Facebook status update.

"Sometimes you've got to let go of old dreams to let new ones take hold."

First things first, whew to not posting crap drunk.

Second, my drunken self has a point. It's time to re-evaluate my life path. Go with the flow and figure who I want to be as a human being. Not who someone else wants me to be, not who it would be a travesty to lose me to be, but what qualities do I possess that need to be strengthened and which ones need to be adjusted to suit the kind of human being that I want to be.

Sorry for the all over the place. My emotions and thoughts are fluid right now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PAMATX
    I like your FB post!

    I know what you mean about dreams dying. Sigh.

    emoticon

    Oh, and the emotionally abusive ex? They don't change. You can bet he's emotionally abusing that girl about whatever perceived insecurity she has.
    1415 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    I will hope for a better tomorrow for you! Remember that each day is a new beginning and maybe you need to find some new friends. Stay strong and keep going after your dream. You will find your perfect mate when it is time. emoticon emoticon
    1418 days ago
  • BELIEVER104
    I really like the quote you put on fb. I still struggle with self-acceptance-- but I keep plugging away-- putting all that time an energy into ourselves in a positive way is never a bad idea. Big hugs for the crappy-ness as of late. It'll get better!
    1418 days ago
  • MARTY728
    emoticon emoticon You are young and pretty. So, no need to revise your dreams.

    1418 days ago
  • AWOLF24
    emoticon emoticon You'll sort it all out Morgan! I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this...
    1418 days ago
  • LINDAJOYWK
    Be strong.Stay strong.
    1418 days ago
  • PURPLEVALENTINE
    I love the quote. Easier said than done but we got this. You know I am here for you! emoticon
    1419 days ago
  • GRANDMABEAST63
    emoticon oh, you have your shares of "merde" lately haven't you. The things we do under the influence but loved your Facebook quote. Always look forward and not back, hey we all make mistakes it's what do with it the present...Although, at times friends aren't always friends if you know what I mean. emoticon
    1419 days ago
  • ADVENTURE-GIRL
    emoticon
    I love what you wrote on facebook. Sometimes enlightment comes at the weirdest time. I always felt like I was treated different because of my weight. I had to move on from some of those friends that made me feel that way. I hope you find your new dream and completely embrace it.
    1419 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/9/2012 1:37:58 AM
  • LMB-ESQ
    emoticon Nobody wants to be the fat funny friend. You're smart and funny and loveable and worth way more than being somebody else's fat funny friend.

    There's LOTS of dreams out there, and you can have more than one! I will look forward to future blogs where you start figuring out the next one! (And I know you will...)
    1419 days ago
  • BALANCEDLIFE4ME
    Hugs lady!
    1419 days ago
  • CANDIK48
    Sounds like you've had at least your fair share of adversity lately! I know that sucks. But if you can hold on to your humor and find laughter well then at least you know you're not so far down you can't handle it or climb out of whatever you're struggling with. Your drunk self is right. If we always look back, we'll never see what's ahead or even what's at hand. Re-evaluations are great times to decide what to do next, how best to invest in you, where you want to go and how you'll get there. I'm sure you'll find yourself in the place you want to be if you want it.

    Good luck with your journey! emoticon
    1419 days ago
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