Thursday, November 08, 2012
Let's just start this out with all cards on the table. I got toasted last night. Which means drunk. Whooooo.
Ok. Now let's back up some. The last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. Emotionally abusive ex has a gf that he loves to parade around town (remember: I was hidden in the proverbial closet), I was gossiped about and essentially told undateable because I have a hearing impairment, never got called back by a guy I was into, and then all of the work issues that I won't even begin to get into. What's important now is the couple of weeks of some massive insecurity issues that I've been faced with and all at the same time.
Last night, I was clearly out. There was a guy. I was hitting on him. My friend with me also got drunk, just moreso. She started hitting on him too. And I called her out on it, to which she showed him the text to laugh at me that I'd call her out on it. She's skinner, by far. Which, of course, hello insecurities that I'm still struggling with, and now we're adding to. And yes, he "chose" her.
I don't want to be the quintessential fat funny friend. I certainly don't use humor as a means by which to hide, but most don't know that. They don't know the hell that has been some of my life and my way of saying f that and I'm still alive is to laugh. I'm generally also not all that funny. In fact, some have said I'm a little intimidating. I'm a big girl with a simply big personality. I have tons of energy, I talk loud and fast, I walk fast, I say it like it is, and I don't run away from the truth. But when I'm out, it's like none of the other stuff matters. What I do for and in my community, how hard I work in my employment, or how loyal and compassionate and passionate I am. I'm just the funny, fat friend and I don't want to be.
Part of this struggle is that I'm not getting any younger and my dream for lots of kiddos is slowly, but surely slipping away. It's sad. It's hard to see a dream die a long and slow death. And when that dream involves a partner that I seem incapable of getting or holding onto, it becomes bittersweet.
Now, I'm not asking for a pity party or the platitudes of, oh you still have tons of time left or who cares what other people think. What I'm saying here is simply what I'm feeling. And I always try to be upfront with at least myself as to what's going on on the inside.
So in my drunken state, I wrote a Facebook status update.
"Sometimes you've got to let go of old dreams to let new ones take hold."
First things first, whew to not posting crap drunk.
Second, my drunken self has a point. It's time to re-evaluate my life path. Go with the flow and figure who I want to be as a human being. Not who someone else wants me to be, not who it would be a travesty to lose me to be, but what qualities do I possess that need to be strengthened and which ones need to be adjusted to suit the kind of human being that I want to be.
Sorry for the all over the place. My emotions and thoughts are fluid right now.