Looking Better= Feeling worse
Thursday, November 08, 2012
This is more on the serious side of my weight journey.
Everybody knows me as the happiest person around. I am the man that anyone, young, old, male, female could turn to for advice, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to talk to.
My smile is almost always full force :D and usually have a joke, or some stupid perverted comment for most things that will brighten someones day.
This is, well, WAS me. I am describing myself when I was 5'9 and 305 lbs in April of 2011. Life was grand! Everything I had was more than good enough for me, all the way down to my body. I wore, and by wore I mean stretched out a 4xl shirt and wore 44x30 pants around my hip, and not my waist. I wore XL boxers which still squeezed me a bit. Goodwill and big and tall were where I shopped, as I was growing too big to guarantee walmart would have my size anymore.
I decided to embark on a life changing journey, physically was the intention. I never had a clue about the emotional roller coaster that was in store...
Today I type this to you sitting in a pair of 32x32 pants and a medium button up shirt, wearing size small boxers at 175 lbs. I am a completely different person than I was 1 1/2 years ago. My smile is rare, my friends don't come around much or talk to me a whole lot, and I just don't have the positive outlook I used to.
One may think, well losing weight shouldn't do that to you! Look at everything that's happened. I got married 2 1/2 years to the love of my life while I was huge. My personality was great! Since then I've lost a bunch of weight, gotten a much better job, a nicer car, and have 2 kids. This should be the recipe for the american dream..right?
Upon research I believe I have developed an eating disorder from my bodybuilding stint. It's called Orthorexia, meaning I'm obsessed with eating the perfect amount, of healthy foods only. I plan my meals weeks in advance to hit the perfect calories, carbs, fats and proteins for my muscle gain or fat loss needs.
Since losing my weight I have become rude, arrogant, impatient and almost anything else negative that one could really imagine. My wife and family have noticed that with every passing day I become more aggressive on my stance of opinions, and correcting others in what they do nutritionally wrong unless it's doing my own research to better myself.
I seen to start arguments for no reason other than to start them, I have lost my sex drive and generally feel like I fail at life, because how you treat others IS life, not what you have or do.
I just don;t know what to do anymore. Look on my Facebook at my fat to not fat pictures and see how happy I was, see that smile. Then see me smaller. I'm unhappy, unsatisfied. I look back and wonder if I should say screw it and gain it back. I don't have the money for a counselor or anything similar, but mcdonalds sure does have a dollar menu.
I appreciate all who respond to this whether its here on sparkpeople, or you add me on facebook and comment away. Thanks in advance for all the support.