Thursday, November 08, 2012
I'm BACK!! I said, I was back so many times this year but it was only words. I really thought I meant it more than once but my actions proved otherwise. You know if you keep telling yourself something, most of the time it'll happen. Well not this time. No matter how hard I tried, I was only trying. I'm SO DONE trying!
I have finally decided to admit I was letting myself slip back into depression. YES, ME! I put on a Good Front for the most part and hide it from everyone. I'm so tried of hiding, being the strong one and putting myself last. I thought I had dealt with this and I was on my way to a happier me but I had a REALLY BAD set back last year and I've been spinning out of control.
I started at 238 pounds. In my first year I got down to 194. I was so happy with MYSELF!! That was the first time in a long time I could truly say that. I continued to do pretty good. I lost another 11 pounds, I was finally out of the 190's. 183 pounds WOW!! I don't think I can even remember since gaining the weight in the first place ever getting lower than 190. (I was really impressed with what I accomplished!)
Then it happened. I got comfortable! I let others get in front of me, which is ok but I don't seem to know when enough is enough! Then I started letting my emotions get the BEST of me. I let a blow up in the summer take hold of my life. I have to forgive someone who thinks they did nothing wrong!! (Do you know how hard that can be?) No matter what part each of us played in this, I should not have let it in my life. Things like that can only hurt you in the end. I remind the kids of that all the time (so why is it so hard, when it's you going through it?) Then to top that off, someone else that I considered close to me did something I totally did NOT agree with. Ok it's done but if you know how someone feels about a particular situation WHY?? would you bring it up around them. I felt like she intentionally SLAPPED ME in the face!!! That was one thing I just could not seem to get past. I called myself reaching out (I messaged people, I asked for their opinions but nothing seemed to work). I just could not get it out of my head. I found myself crying for NO REASON all the time!! I stopped eating again! Then when I did eat, it definitely wasn't something I should have put in my mouth.
It didn't hit me then but we were teaching on John 10. I was telling the kids how important it is to take ownership in what they do. So many times we cry out "WHY? or Why me? " We here people say, "It's not my fault!" Well it is my fault, I let this become an issue. I am now 215 pounds. I am almost back to where I started and I REFUSE to get back to the same emotionally state that I was in when I came to spark!! I love being here for others and I will continue to be here for others. I do NOT want anyone to take this as a whining session!! I am NOT whining! Yes, I cried so hard typing this that MY HEAD HURTS but I am making a promise to myself that I WILL DO THIS!! Josh Wilson's song, "I REFUSE" comes to mind right now! I think I just found the name of this BLOG!
because I REFUSE to Go BACK!