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    AFTERMYKIDS   34,718
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I REFUSE

Thursday, November 08, 2012

I'm BACK!! I said, I was back so many times this year but it was only words. I really thought I meant it more than once but my actions proved otherwise. You know if you keep telling yourself something, most of the time it'll happen. Well not this time. No matter how hard I tried, I was only trying. I'm SO DONE trying!

I have finally decided to admit I was letting myself slip back into depression. YES, ME! I put on a Good Front for the most part and hide it from everyone. I'm so tried of hiding, being the strong one and putting myself last. I thought I had dealt with this and I was on my way to a happier me but I had a REALLY BAD set back last year and I've been spinning out of control.

I started at 238 pounds. In my first year I got down to 194. I was so happy with MYSELF!! That was the first time in a long time I could truly say that. I continued to do pretty good. I lost another 11 pounds, I was finally out of the 190's. 183 pounds WOW!! I don't think I can even remember since gaining the weight in the first place ever getting lower than 190. (I was really impressed with what I accomplished!)

Then it happened. I got comfortable! I let others get in front of me, which is ok but I don't seem to know when enough is enough! Then I started letting my emotions get the BEST of me. I let a blow up in the summer take hold of my life. I have to forgive someone who thinks they did nothing wrong!! (Do you know how hard that can be?) No matter what part each of us played in this, I should not have let it in my life. Things like that can only hurt you in the end. I remind the kids of that all the time (so why is it so hard, when it's you going through it?) Then to top that off, someone else that I considered close to me did something I totally did NOT agree with. Ok it's done but if you know how someone feels about a particular situation WHY?? would you bring it up around them. I felt like she intentionally SLAPPED ME in the face!!! That was one thing I just could not seem to get past. I called myself reaching out (I messaged people, I asked for their opinions but nothing seemed to work). I just could not get it out of my head. I found myself crying for NO REASON all the time!! I stopped eating again! Then when I did eat, it definitely wasn't something I should have put in my mouth.

It didn't hit me then but we were teaching on John 10. I was telling the kids how important it is to take ownership in what they do. So many times we cry out "WHY? or Why me? " We here people say, "It's not my fault!" Well it is my fault, I let this become an issue. I am now 215 pounds. I am almost back to where I started and I REFUSE to get back to the same emotionally state that I was in when I came to spark!! I love being here for others and I will continue to be here for others. I do NOT want anyone to take this as a whining session!! I am NOT whining! Yes, I cried so hard typing this that MY HEAD HURTS but I am making a promise to myself that I WILL DO THIS!! Josh Wilson's song, "I REFUSE" comes to mind right now! I think I just found the name of this BLOG!
I will emoticon because I REFUSE to Go BACK!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JITZUROE 11/14/2012 12:10PM

    I have an inkling of why it was so emotional to type the blog, because you laid out the cards, you were 100% honest, and not trying to cover up any emotion. This is HARD and you are making huge steps just you saying it outloud.
Friendships can hurt like a blade since they are the ones who are closest to our hearts. YES it can be almost literally painful to forgive someone who admits no wrong doing (but clearly is blinded by their own behavior). But you are being the bigger person for it, and emotionally, it will serve you much better to let any of that animosity go- so you can grow! Shake off that dead weight and move forward, to a happier, healthier life, and come charging for your weight loss goals!
We are here to support you friend!!!
Bren


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SWAZY33 11/13/2012 6:03AM

    Ok..I have to tell you that I could have written this blog! It actually made me tear up cause I can SO relate. Letting the emotional take over IS a HUGE hurdle for us ALL to get over. Thank you for this message!! I'm jumping on the "I REFUSE" slogan with ya! and will be cheering you along the way back down to the healthy place you want to be!
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WIFEALF 11/13/2012 1:30AM

    you can do this....together we can..hang in there

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JCARDINAL 11/9/2012 6:26PM

    I'm with you Becky!! I have been at the same point all year. I have let everything and everybody get in my way and come before me. I think I'll steal your title "I Refuse"!!

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RYDERB 11/9/2012 2:54PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SARASMILING 11/9/2012 6:24AM

    I'm right there with you! i'm up 10 pounds in just a matter of a few weeks. :( We HAVE to get back on track and start caring enough about ourselves to really try hard, hard enough to make a difference. We CAN do this!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NETSUE64 11/8/2012 8:36PM

    Isn't it crazy how the actions of others make us punish ourselves? We go so angry that we don't care anymore and the only one we hurt is ourselves. I totally get what you are saying. I am glad you wrote this when I wasn't in the middle of being angry because I could see it objectively and remember when it happened to me.

Thank you so much for posting this and making me think about it. Maybe next time I won't react but letting my control slip.

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JODYELLEN57 11/8/2012 6:33PM

    I'm with you. I have had a major slip, too. This summer I got down to 194 as well. Now my weight has crept back up again and this morning I was 203. Didn't record it on my ticker, because I want to desperately get it off soon. Last Thanksgiving I vowed I wouldn't look like that in pictures again and now...here it is.

I too can relate to your relationship problems. My sister in law, whom I love dearly was recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer and we are building a house. Stressful and eating on the run and no exercise = failure.

Lets pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and tell ourselves we are worth it!

A big hug for you - Jody

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