Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Well, so things going on in my life at the moment led me to a serious talk with my fiancé, some tears, plenty of truths, new plans and some rules.
I reached my goal weight of 140 under HUGE pressure to be at a certain BMI to get surgery free on the NHS. This pressure led to a lot of disordered eating, including purging and un-natural behaviour and, frankly me being obnoxious about eating, causing problems for myself in order to avoid eating even things like a few bits of corn in a stir fry.
I had about 4lbs of skin removed my my arms, so by that maths, there is at very least 6lbs on my stomach of the loose skin there, and more on my thighs. I decided to not get surgery on those for various reasons and I am happy with that.
However, when I was 140, my collar bone was really obvious, my veins on my hands looked nasty, my BUTT hurt when I sat on hard floors and my hip bones where very thinly covered. Despite the number on the scale, I believe I was too thin due to at least 10 lbs of skin.
So, first thing decided, new goal weight of achieving 150 lbs instead and accepting my saggy baggy skin is there. And not giving a monkey's to what the BMI calculator says to me.
Next thing was stating how much this weight is getting to me emotionally, I hate every day, every hour when I think about food, the guilt from enjoying relaxed eating, the hatred of myself afterwards. I have maintained this weight for over a year, I know I can maintain and enjoy, but I DO NOT WANT TO MAINTAIN... I want to re-lose this 30 lbs.
I'm not happy with it, nor the impact its having on my emotional happiness. And I made this clear that I need help to deal with it.
As a friend on SP posted a blog recently, its easier to diet and lose weight when you are alone, single, you don't go out, you don't get gifts, you don't visit exciting places to try new foods. You stay home and follow your plan.
I lost nearly all my weight while I was single (and broke! nothing like not enough money to even buy bargain brand rice to stop cheats!) and of course I do not wish even a minute change in how happy I am with my fiancé, not at all... I love him with every pudgy ounce of me and how happy we are. I just want to acknowledge how damn hard it is when you want to explore new places, a new city and enjoy eating out, local treats and actually have the money to do so as well.
So this led to some thoughts on how to compromise, especially in light of oh my... the next few weeks we have something every 2 weeks, I'm off from today for a 4 day weekend, then in two weeks we go to Edinburgh for a long weekend, then two weeks later we have a 4 day weekend including the big Christmas fair in Hyde Park, then 2 weeks later a fake early Christmas visiting both our families as we cannot go actually at Christmas due to my work, THEN its actually Christmas and we have our first one alone.
The mind boggles at trying to even begin to deal with this.
Or the thought that after all that is the year we are getting married and I do NOT want to be a fat bride... nor add in the fact I have a dress that doesn't fit.
So, what became of this epic talk and tears?
No breakfast will ever be an un-planned or an over calorie mess.
No take-aways at home, eating out is fine. But at home its just lazy.
Weekends do NOT start on Friday lunchtimes.
Any fully home weekend day will be planned and attempted to be followed at 1300-1400 calories.
Weekdays, as usual, 1200 calories.
I'm tired of the guilt and shame. I want to enjoy things again, and yes really this 30lbs is holding me back.