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Breakdown, talking, tears and rules to keep.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Well, so things going on in my life at the moment led me to a serious talk with my fiancé, some tears, plenty of truths, new plans and some rules.

I reached my goal weight of 140 under HUGE pressure to be at a certain BMI to get surgery free on the NHS. This pressure led to a lot of disordered eating, including purging and un-natural behaviour and, frankly me being obnoxious about eating, causing problems for myself in order to avoid eating even things like a few bits of corn in a stir fry.

I had about 4lbs of skin removed my my arms, so by that maths, there is at very least 6lbs on my stomach of the loose skin there, and more on my thighs. I decided to not get surgery on those for various reasons and I am happy with that.

However, when I was 140, my collar bone was really obvious, my veins on my hands looked nasty, my BUTT hurt when I sat on hard floors and my hip bones where very thinly covered. Despite the number on the scale, I believe I was too thin due to at least 10 lbs of skin.

So, first thing decided, new goal weight of achieving 150 lbs instead and accepting my saggy baggy skin is there. And not giving a monkey's to what the BMI calculator says to me.

Next thing was stating how much this weight is getting to me emotionally, I hate every day, every hour when I think about food, the guilt from enjoying relaxed eating, the hatred of myself afterwards. I have maintained this weight for over a year, I know I can maintain and enjoy, but I DO NOT WANT TO MAINTAIN... I want to re-lose this 30 lbs.

I'm not happy with it, nor the impact its having on my emotional happiness. And I made this clear that I need help to deal with it.

As a friend on SP posted a blog recently, its easier to diet and lose weight when you are alone, single, you don't go out, you don't get gifts, you don't visit exciting places to try new foods. You stay home and follow your plan.
I lost nearly all my weight while I was single (and broke! nothing like not enough money to even buy bargain brand rice to stop cheats!) and of course I do not wish even a minute change in how happy I am with my fiancé, not at all... I love him with every pudgy ounce of me and how happy we are. I just want to acknowledge how damn hard it is when you want to explore new places, a new city and enjoy eating out, local treats and actually have the money to do so as well.

So this led to some thoughts on how to compromise, especially in light of oh my... the next few weeks we have something every 2 weeks, I'm off from today for a 4 day weekend, then in two weeks we go to Edinburgh for a long weekend, then two weeks later we have a 4 day weekend including the big Christmas fair in Hyde Park, then 2 weeks later a fake early Christmas visiting both our families as we cannot go actually at Christmas due to my work, THEN its actually Christmas and we have our first one alone.

The mind boggles at trying to even begin to deal with this.

Or the thought that after all that is the year we are getting married and I do NOT want to be a fat bride... nor add in the fact I have a dress that doesn't fit.

So, what became of this epic talk and tears?

New rules.

No breakfast will ever be an un-planned or an over calorie mess.
No take-aways at home, eating out is fine. But at home its just lazy.
Weekends do NOT start on Friday lunchtimes.
Any fully home weekend day will be planned and attempted to be followed at 1300-1400 calories.
Weekdays, as usual, 1200 calories.

I'm tired of the guilt and shame. I want to enjoy things again, and yes really this 30lbs is holding me back.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I understand your tears and frustration. For me I have to up the physical exercise to help keep the weight off. It's works but it also increases my appetitie which makes it even harder to stay on track sometimes. I wish we could just eat and not have to think about it because it's easy to cross the line into obsession when you are trying to lose or even maintain. I am looking forward to the time (once at goal) when I can eat 2,000 calories a day on the days I run for an hour. I don't miss fast food but I do miss treats.

    I often wonder about the skin and how much it weighs. I am having the surgery on my legs in January and I feel like there is at least 10 pounds of skin that will be removed. Once healed from this final surgery I should know my true weight and I think that will make it easier for me to accept where I am and just get on with life.

    Enjoy your wonderful life and your fiance. I am so excited for you!

    1890 days ago
    Well you knowI know how you feel. We had a good chat this weekend too. Looks like the holidays are scary enough for allall of us. Didn't stop a binge last night. But I know I'm going to get better at this. Right there with you in support.
    1897 days ago
    emoticon you can do it emoticon
    1897 days ago
  • ROCKMAN6797
    emoticon Pookie!

    1898 days ago
    A marvellous plan and I know you can do it. You have been my biggest inspiration in my own weight loss journey
    1898 days ago
    I agree with all the things that have been said - you can do this - you will be a beautiful bride and if having some rules helps get you there - more power!
    1898 days ago
    Good for you coming clean with yourself and your fiance about the disordered eating and thinking that got you to the potentially unhealthy goal weight that let you get surgery. Wonderful realizations and releases that you can now settle on the healthier new goal. Recognizing that you are happy with how you are, but desire the better health is a great motivator (as well as a beautiful wedding dress that I imagine as a Pookie vintage special ;-) ). Your plan sounds reasonable and do-able. With all the holiday celebrating, I am sure you can find ways to keep your plan and your head.
    1898 days ago
    i am so with you girl, i feel ashamed i have gained 40 lbs, instead of feeling helpless i need to take MORE action than i already am - i hate to know you are struggling, yet it makes me feel like i am not alone. loving you from afar & sending strength!
    1899 days ago
    Tight emoticon and emoticon on the open conversation and the plans.

    Having a plan is half the battle!

    emoticon emoticon
    1899 days ago
    emoticon I am inspired that you have Identified the problem and set out -- In Writing!! -- a Plan to correct the problems. How wonderful that your Fiancée is supportive and willing to work with you!! That is Truly a Blessing on this Journey!!
    emoticon I agree that sometimes the BMI Charts and some other Guidelines are way too restrictive. Finding Our "Best Weight" is much more important than meeting numbers on a Scale or Chart.
    1899 days ago
  • PANDAS10
    *hugs* emoticon emoticon
    1899 days ago
    Stick to your plan Pookie. You can do it.
    1900 days ago
    You are not alone my friend, I have done the same twice now. Lose the weight while being single, then gain, re-lose it, regain and I am having a hard time losing my last 30 pounds as well. Great new rules and I am sure you can do it !!! emoticon emoticon
    1900 days ago
    You've honestly analyzed the situation and come up with a good plan. Stick to it!
    emoticon emoticon
    1900 days ago
    I like your rules. They are sensible and do-able. You can do it - we all know you can, but mainly, you know you can.

    I wish you the very best, and hope you can relax and be happy soon. x
    1900 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1901 days ago
    Great job at getting a plan together!

    You've got this Pookie!!
    1901 days ago
    Spark people "get it", you know where you want to be and will find the route to get there. Is it worth taking some supplements while you are feeling so low? The multivitamins are easily bought from the high street but obviously cheaper on line.
    Good luck
    1901 days ago
  • RUSSELL_40
    I applaud you taking control, and making any changes you think are necessary, but don't be ashamed or guilty based on the scale. You should be just as happy, and proud of yourself at 180, as at 150. You are getting married, and have an active social calendar, which complicates things, but the only reason for you to get back down to 150 is personal happiness, and health.

    Don't let how you ate that day determine your mood. Just do the best you can to follow the rules you set up, and the rest of the time enjoy life.

    I have the same issues sometimes. I starved myself at 18 to get down to 183, so eating correctly is important. Also I have lost a lot of weight, but sometimes think it isn't enough, and at 50 lbs over goal, I feel I should already be at GW.

    In the end though, I think of all I the weight I have lost, and how much my health has improved. Think of how much your life has changed in just a few years. I have read your page at the top many times. Like me, you were worried about health issues, and got fed up, and took action. Now at a much lower weight, and better health, it is harder to stay focused. Fear of relapsing seems to be less of a motivator, than trouble breathing, or pain in your body.

    In the end , just be happy, and do your best. Hopefully that leads to a weight that adds to your happiness, but don't let it lead to unhappiness.

    As a friend all I can do is empathize with you, make a few suggestions. I am not very good at saying things, but felt I would try. A lot of people tell me I am an inspiration, but of all my Sparkfriends, I have two who inspire ME. Not discounting the amazing things they all do, most have not experienced losing 150 lbs, and struggling near GW, AND on a reduced carb diet. The other is a person with a major health issue. For me, you help me just having someone to talk to, who understands what I am going through.

    So now I hope that didn't sound stupid, and was slightly helpful. Here's some emoticon , and I wish you success, and happiness
    1901 days ago
    I so empathize how hard it is to lose or maintain weight when you are in a relationship and trying to enjoy life. It's a real shame that we both equate food with fun. When I met DH, he told me his favorite thing to do was go out to eat, so it has been very difficult to keep my weight in check when constantly facing temptation.

    Thanks for the congratulations about my volunteer position.
    emoticon emoticon

    1901 days ago
    Good plan!
    emoticon emoticon
    1901 days ago
    It has to be doable, and only you can figure out what that means for you. I have full faith that you'll get it right!
    1901 days ago
    Pookie, I really hear your frustration and new determination. You have been so successful in the past and have really created some new rules to get yourself to a healthier place (both emotionally and physically).

    I know lots of people have commented about how your experience mirrors their own, and I am no different. I wonder if people like us (who have lost more than 120 lbs) find the actual "maintenance" time more difficult than the diet itself. I have between 30 to 40 lbs more to lose, well, re-lose I suppose, and I know how that can seem daunting. Remember that you are an intelligent, determined, beautiful woman with a man who seems to truly love you and support you. You can do just about anything you set your mind to. After all, think about how much your life has changed even in the last years! You lost a whole person in body weight and then literally gained a whole person in love :) See? You can do anything.
    1901 days ago
    I so understand this blog! Pookie, I can really relate to you. I'm in that "freak-out, food obsessed" mode right now. I, too fear gaining my weight back, and have become utterly and miserably obsessed on the scale and my calories. I long to be "normal" and just enjoy things like most people. But I feel like I can't.... unless I want to return to the old me of 300+ lbs. I wish I could find a balance and peace. Right now I'm bouncing around with the idea of relaxing. Can I REALLY live the rest of my life like this? I think this is a question that everyone who has lost a lot of weight like us has to constantly revisit throughout our lives.

    I think your new rules are great and very practical! Wishing you all the best and plenty of support.

    P.S. Same thing happened to me when I got married 8 years ago, I gained 20 lbs. and then 1 1/2 years later I gained 30 lbs. during my pregnancy. After my daughter was born it took me almost 10 months to shed that 50 lbs. I had gained during the first years of my marriage and pregnancy.

    emoticon emoticon
    1901 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/7/2012 7:37:20 PM
    Great job. it takes a lot of strength to do that. I am proud of you. Let's do this...
    1901 days ago
    I completely understand where you're coming from. My goal weight has NEVER been in the "healthy" BMI. I will still be overweight when I reach my goal I'm not upset about, I don't care what anyone else thinks. I know you can do it, and you will always have my support. I thkn your plan is fabulous and I know you have the support of your fiancee to carry out the program.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1901 days ago
  • KITT52
    Pookie I sure can relate.......do what is best for you......
    and remember, it's about portions, enjoy the good new fun foods, maybe just not so much.....

    and relax, the stress can't be helping with the weight loss...

    I do like your plan, and glad you talked with your sweetie about your feelings....

    1901 days ago
  • MARTY728
    Stick to your plan. I know you can. Since I am in the USA, I know nothing about the UK's NHS (other than what the intials stand for). If you stick with your plan, will you eventually qualify to have NHS remove the loose skin from other areas? I know that the loose skin can weigh a lot. In the NHS system, if the loose skin on your stomach were creating backpain for you, would NHS remove the loose stomach skin for free? emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1901 days ago
    YOu are a determined young lady Pookie and I know you'll do this, you have a great plan and the tools here on SP to help you achieve it.
    This time around you have a wonderful fiance to support you and ofcourse your spark friends, we're here hun and we'll cheer you on and help you though it emoticon emoticon
    1901 days ago
    I can't even begin to tell you how much I relate to this blog. My Dr. told me not to worry so much about BMI, as the weight from excess skin is distorting the figures. Another thing hit home, not eating your own food when you are home, is just plain lazy and I have been guilty of that one. Sometimes, we just have to take a few moments to regroup, just like you have. emoticon
    1901 days ago
    You'll do it, Pookie. I had the same experience with gaining weight after I married and moved here--put on 35 lbs over a couple years time. I've lost that now, so at least I'm back to where I started before leaving the US....phew. Have a great time over the coming busy season. It sounds like you've got lots of fun stuff planned. emoticon
    1901 days ago
    You'll do it Pookie! This 30 pounds is no easier than the middle 30 pounds or making a start for the first 30 pounds, but you CAN do it, just as you did for that huge weight loss, and you WILL do it, because you're a star and have sorted out how you feel, how the weight makes you feel and what you need to do about it. No longer alone, your loving fiance will be there for you as you succeed yet again!!
    We're here for you too, of course!
    1901 days ago
    You're right about the single and not going out bit making it easier. That's me, and if I go out it's very hard for me not to order half the menu, though I'm getting better at it. I had a real triumph this week though: my office Christmas party has been arranged for a day when I am not at work and said so to the organiser, so I'm certainly not going to go to it. I save myself £25, and also don't have to eat the low calorie options on the menu while everyone else is having rack of lamb and Christmas pud and all the trimmings.
    1901 days ago
  • TMW54812
    When I struggle with all the issues that arise from leading a very busy life while trying to stick to a rigorous plan for eating and exercising, I try to take comfort in being thankful I have a serious health issue that I CAN MANAGE and pray for the millions of people who have health issues they can do little about.

    You have all the resources you need to manage your health challenges and you will be successful!

    Tim emoticon
    1901 days ago
  • ALLISON145
    You can do it!!! Great plan! My 30 pounds is impacting me the same way, so you are not alone.

    1901 days ago
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