Feeling a bit bi-polar today
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
As you may have heard (since I've been blabbing it all over sparkpeople like a piece of juicy gossip), I'm a pound away from my half-way goal of 50lbs lost. And you better believe I'm excited and proud and all those warm fuzzy feelings and I SWEAR to you that when I see that magic number on my scale, you'll hear nothing but celebration from me... at least for awhile.
But right now, I feel a bit all over the place about the whole thing and you know what ...they're my feelings and I'm allowed to have them, ok?! So I'd like to share those now, if you don't mind. And if you do mind... what are you doing here?
I keep thinking to myself, "wow I've almost lost 50lbs, that's amazing. I never thought it would be possible." and then my very next thought is "...man, i still need to lose another 50. I'm only (almost) half-way. And it's taken me FOREVER to just get this far. I still have so far to go"
A lot of people notice and tell me I look great. And then other people just notice that something is different but they cant quite figure out what it is and mostly guess its my hair. and then some people try to tell me that I don't need to lose any more. But I haven't even gotten out of the obese bmi range! I haven't even gotten to overweight yet!
Also, I'm just now fitting comfortably in my size 14s. I think part of the reason is that after 2 pregnancies, my hips are wider because when i look in photos, i definitely look thinner, especially in the face, then when i was wearing these same clothes before. I weigh less than I did at that time too. After i got too big for my 14s and 16s, i stopped paying attention. I refused to buy bigger sizes, insisting i was gonna lose the weight. I was in serious denial. And i was either pregnant or in between babies most of the time during this phase so elastic became my best friend. So I'm not sure what my actual size was but in my mind i was a 16 and if i just lost a few lbs i could get the 14s back on. Which obviously wasnt the case since 49lbs later, I'm just now able to where them without a muffin top. That annoys me. I feel like I should be further along. "I lost 50 lbs" and "i wear a size 14" just don't seem equivalent.
Also, I had a closet FULL of clothes that I couldn't wear and refused to get rid of them because I believed I would be able to wear it all again one day. I even dragged it all across country twice. TWICE. Well, now I can wear just about all of it again and guess what - i hate most of it. What was i thinking?! Most of it is not my style anymore or it just looks weird on me. Did it look weird on me 11 years ago when I wore it last? I have no idea. But it does now. So I have a very limited wardrobe of things that I can stand to wear but I have this new found interest in clothes. Because when I was fat, I could barely look in the mirror so I really didnt make much of an effort. But now, I care!! but barely anything fits right. It's either too big, too small still, fits weird or is hideous and i dont know what i was thinking. The problem is, well besides that I'm broke, I dont want to go buy more clothes, cuz i still have 50lbs to lose!!
Even the reward that I've planned for myself - to go do something with my hair... is just a dream at this point. Which is so depressing. all this hard work and not a dime extra to celebrate it. Sometimes i think, oh I'll write to oprah and she'll feel sorry for me and give me a makeover and then i think, but i cant do it yet - I'm only half way. Ok, I'm kind of a nut job. Pretty sure I told you that already.
Anyway, I'm still happy to have come this far. I'm saving all the happy fluffy stuff for my official 50lb celebration. This is just all the pre goal hitting word vomit.
So there you have it.