Wednesday, November 07, 2012
When I first got started on SP, I was just looking because I was curious. I was lying in bed one night, and saw something about SP. I don't really remember what it was or on what channel I saw it, but I was a little intrigued. To think, there was actually a website that was a lot like a website I was on, but without a monthly fee. I couldn't afford the $40 dollars I was spending each month and really doing nothing with. So I thought I'd give SP a look-see, and I signed up for emails and the sort but not much else. That was in September.
In October, I went to a Halloween party, and I loved the costume I had. I thought I was gonna shine, but when I put it on, I felt so sad. I fit into it, but barely. All night I felt swaddled, and not in the comforting way some of us do when our babies are small because, by two months or so, even they need freedom to move around. I wriggled and wiggled and tugged and pulled all night. I felt so uncomfortable. I love being center of attention when I'm around my friends, but I really stood out this night (in my mind, at least).
That night, I sang my version of Gotye's "Somebody That I Used To Know," and did it where else? In front of the camera! I posted today that I am thankful for EVERYTHING...good and bad. I have to say the reason why is that I believe everything is given to us to make us wiser, enlighten us, or help guide us. I watched that video the next day, and I said (not out loud), "I will never stuff myself into a costume, or any clothes for that matter, again."
So I had to make a decision. I had to either decide to get a bigger size or do something about my weight and my health (because after my dance I HAD to sit down). I came home, and a week or so went by where I was trying to not eat so I wouldn't have to exercise and just felt defeated every single night when I had eaten everything I could get my hands on and felt so bloated. I looked forward to the morning when my stomach wasn't bloated and I could start all over again. Oh, I'd start all over again...doing the same thing I had done the day prior.
I used to attend dependency meetings, and I remember always hearing about people who had turned it over to their higher power because they realized they couldn't do it on their own. I have struggled with some things in my life, but I didn't see food the same way. I saw food as something that I need to have to survive. My dependency on it couldn't be taken care of the same way as other substances. I guess I just didn't see the reason why so many of those people were staying clean.
Now I know SP is not a dependcy program per say, but I see it in much the same way I now see those meetings I was attending. It is all about support. I have finally realized that I can't do it alone, and I do need help staying focused. Every day I get online, I see SP as my "meeting." I listen to people and their struggles and their successes, and I get advice and so much support--people always rooting for me and others. I love it! Everyone is taking care of everyone.
Now I know why those meetings work for people with dependencies and why SP will work for me. SP is really changing my life, and when I speak about it, I speak about it the way I heard those in my meetings speaking about their program. I give myself the credit for doing the hard work, but I give the members of SP the credit for helping me do the hard work. Thanks to all of you who have reached out and given me support and those of you have posted something that just turned my day around. Thanks to all the articles and other tools that help me live in a place where there is at least one (usually more) fast food restaurant on every city block and in a family that sees food as cure-all. SP is one of my favorite places to be.