Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Seriously, I wounded myself with a lazy boy style chair because the foot rest came up unexpectedly and wacked me in the leg. I have bruises. I have a hurt hip. Ouchie. Luckily, weight loss is 80% diet. Yeah! While this latest debacle heals, I will be watching my diet, eating my own food, meditating my way to health, and doing the work in Renee Stephen's book 'Full-Filled'. Its basically the book version of IOWL in a handy easy to refer to book. I also use a podcast for mediation and what I do is as I journal and find out what my problems really are: both mental and habitual, I use the meditation to release them. Right now, I'm noticing that I really am eating more than I'm hungry (physically) for. I think maybe I'm bored.
There. I said it. Life is boring the stuffing out of me. All I see is very hard, boring, work in front of me. I don't find the technical aspects entertaining. I don't. The only thing between me and success (other than the economy) is my lack of current knowledge. It goes back to an illusion that I had bought into as a child, perhaps of my own making, perhaps not. I believed that once you finished college, that you could go to work, and just the fact of working would be enough to keep you in the game. Its not true, you must constantly reeducate yourself. Technology is often obsolete by the time its released. Law changes with every election. I can barely keep up with social media. I just read headlines because anything longer and I feel like I've been left in the dust. So. I don't look. It was my coping technique for when I was being abused. I didn't look. Well. That technique was appropriate and worked when I was a child. Now, I have to look. I need to retrain myself to be awake and present and in the moment, I need to not be afraid of failure, because not starting at all is a guarantee of failure.
I hate failure so much that I don't even want to look.