1. You shed too. Like a damn collie. Maybe your hair doesn’t clog the bathroom drain. It does, however, turn up on counters, on the shower wall and the soap, in towels, on the sheets, and occasionally in our mouths. Often we wish you weren’t bald, it would make it far easier to understand!
2. YOU have too many shoes. We remind ourselves of that every single time we trip or stub a toe on the pair of clodhoppers you have laying in the doorway, by the couch, at the foot of the bed, and on the porch. We are fully aware that you “ALWAYS put them there,”... AHEM!.. There is really no need for you to possess 3 pairs of identical work boots. If they are worn out, toss them. If they pinch your toes, get rid of them. Yes, we absolutely need 27 pairs of black strappy heels, thank you for asking.
3. No, we don’t think you can read our minds, don’t be silly! We realize that it may take you a few days to acquire that skill. There will be ample opportunity for you to demonstrate.
4. We lie occasionally. About how much money we spent, how we spent our day, whether or not we were too busy to pick up the phone, and even about how many drinks we had after work before coming home. This is ok, unless you prefer to discuss who we learned it from… rest assured that if it wasn’t you, it will be for this conversation.
5. We know EVERY TIME you lie. It isn’t really a question of whether or not you are going to be called out on this… it’s simply a question of WHEN.
6. You spend money on ridiculous things.
I understand that while you already own one, THAT particular screwdriver has a light on the end and can also autopilot the truck and has a warning device that alerts you 15.4 seconds before an asteroid hits the seventh ring of Saturn – Neat! You don’t need it. Yes, spending $9 on a 12 oz jar of tahini to use 2 tbls. for my homemade hummus that only lasts 3 days is completely justifiable.
7. Yes, honey, sometimes you ARE only wanted around just because we need someone to cut the grass. But you do it SO well!
8. Some of you should really consider watching porn. When you get home kindly arm yourself with a notebook and pen. Pay close attention and take notes.
9. Some of you should stop watching porn. As much as I hate to break the news to you, (see how good we are at lying?) she gets paid to pretend that feels good. I assure you, she's pretending. Takes one to know one.
10. If we have hot flashes, kindly leave the thermostat alone and put on a sweater - unless the urge to have your entrails cut out with a spoon is just too hard to resist.
11. Yes we often use the words “go ahead”, “I don’t mind”, and “if you want to.” While it may appear to insinuate permission, these words are actually DARES.
12. You have at least one friend we hate.
13. You have at least one friend we fantasize about being trapped in a cabin in the mountains with. Complete with fireplace, plenty of wood, wine, strawberries and…… “oh my goodness I have accidentally spilled chocolate sauce all over your shirt!”
14. Our best friend knows EVERYTHING.
She knows you fart in your sleep, cried during the season finale of Dawson’s Creek, know every character’s name on Desperate Housewives, who REALLY fixed the garbage disposal, exactly how much hair is on your back, and your skills (and lack of!) between the sheets. And that was just yesterday’s conversation.