It isn't easy
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
I would very much like to say that since joining the Spark back in March, I have lost 70 pounds. But that would be a lie, I also would like to say I made a million dollars - but that is a lie to.
Lie, it is a funny word. People use it when they mean Lay, as in I lay down in bed; or, I lay there completely complacent and accepting of the life I am making. That is all a lie.
It is very easy to deceive ourselves or to live on past success. My light bulb got turned back on the other day by my new doctor. He walked into the room, for the first time meeting me and his first words were:
"D---, you are a big boy! I am kidding. Seriously though, you are a big boy"
Offensive? Yes, Did I already know this? Yes. did I need to hear it in order to wake myself up, stop living in the past tand move forward? YES. His oficial diagnosis was that I am, in his words, a hot mess. I am not excited to get back the blood panel, he took so much blood he is testing for everything. I know that my diabetes symptoms are back, my blood pressure too. but to hear the words is frightening.
Here are the facts / lies I have been living since March
* I lost 130 pounds since my heaviest (TRUE) / I gained back 80 (Also, TRUE) / but I know I can
do this, I have done it before, get off my \back (FALSE) - I do know what needs to be done,
but I CANNOT accomplish this alone, or without living the truth that however much weight I
had lost, I have gained over 50% of it back.
* I am a diabetic (TRUE) / But, it is ok for me to eat anything I want (FALSE), my symptoms
have gone away (FALSISH) - I am a diabetic. I will be a diabetic when I die. I need to stop
eating and living like I can hide from this disease. I need to surrender myself to whatever
will make the quality and happiness of my life longer and better
* I am happy (TRUE) in all things in my life (FALSE) - No ,you are afraid. You are afraid of a lot
of things Mike, a lot. You are afraid you cannot provide for your family, you are afraid
of losing Amanda like you have lost everyone else in your life (FALSE)
* I love working out (TRUE!!!!), so tomorrow I will just hit the gym harder (FALSE) so it is OK if
we go out to dinner (FALSE) - both healthful and financially a bad choice.
So, there it is, the lies I live with daily.
I sit here, a little more than 7 months since joining Spark, and I have gained about 20 pounds. But, I know it, and I refuse to lie to myself any longer.
Thanks for listening, I will get back on track.