Friday, April 13, 2007
It has been awhile since i've posted either on my blog or on the message boards. I'm beside myself with discouragement. I continue to eat like their's no tomorrow (and their won't be if i don't stop this nonsense), and my health continues to plummet.
You'd think that'd be enough to get me going but oh no, not me! I am back in therapy and was telling my therapist yesterday that i had an urge so bad to stop somewhere and get a candy bar, not JUST any ol candy bar but had to be a BIG candy bar. Bought a whole package and ate them all, in a parking lot, cuz didn't want to go home where Tim would see me. The urge was so stronge it felt like an "emergency!" Something i HAD to do, and do it RIGHT THEN. My therapist has suggested that i have a small notebook in my purse at all times and write down "feelings" BEFORE i go in to actually buy it. She said right now she doesn't care WHAT i eat nor how MUCH i eat, she is concerned with the feelings behind it, right before i go in to buy whatever it is.
I have severe heartburn, (so bad that feels like i have asthma or having heart problems). Have hip pain badly, rapid heartbeats, (i'm already on meds for that one). But it's gotten worse. I'm crabby, hate myself, and the list goes on. I feel like a basket case.
I'm depressed CUZ i eat, and depressed when i don't. So damned when i do and damned when i don't. I'm afraid to get close to anyone right now (even friends that i dearly care for) for fear of bringing them down. I know if you hang around negative people it tends to bring you down too. I would never want that for anyone. So for fear of this, i try to "stay away" from those i care about. I know i know, this is when i need them the most but...
I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. I'm in therapy, that's a plus. I just see my health going down the tubes in the meantime and i continue to spiral downward, eating myself silly. The only thing, i'm far from laughing.
So this is where i am at the moment and where i've been. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be appreciated. I don't see how i'm ever going to be able to put my food down.