Beyond Discouraged!!

Friday, April 13, 2007

It has been awhile since i've posted either on my blog or on the message boards. I'm beside myself with discouragement. I continue to eat like their's no tomorrow (and their won't be if i don't stop this nonsense), and my health continues to plummet.

You'd think that'd be enough to get me going but oh no, not me! I am back in therapy and was telling my therapist yesterday that i had an urge so bad to stop somewhere and get a candy bar, not JUST any ol candy bar but had to be a BIG candy bar. Bought a whole package and ate them all, in a parking lot, cuz didn't want to go home where Tim would see me. The urge was so stronge it felt like an "emergency!" Something i HAD to do, and do it RIGHT THEN. My therapist has suggested that i have a small notebook in my purse at all times and write down "feelings" BEFORE i go in to actually buy it. She said right now she doesn't care WHAT i eat nor how MUCH i eat, she is concerned with the feelings behind it, right before i go in to buy whatever it is.

I have severe heartburn, (so bad that feels like i have asthma or having heart problems). Have hip pain badly, rapid heartbeats, (i'm already on meds for that one). But it's gotten worse. I'm crabby, hate myself, and the list goes on. I feel like a basket case.

I'm depressed CUZ i eat, and depressed when i don't. So damned when i do and damned when i don't. I'm afraid to get close to anyone right now (even friends that i dearly care for) for fear of bringing them down. I know if you hang around negative people it tends to bring you down too. I would never want that for anyone. So for fear of this, i try to "stay away" from those i care about. I know i know, this is when i need them the most but...

I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. I'm in therapy, that's a plus. I just see my health going down the tubes in the meantime and i continue to spiral downward, eating myself silly. The only thing, i'm far from laughing.

So this is where i am at the moment and where i've been. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be appreciated. I don't see how i'm ever going to be able to put my food down.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Cindy, like a couple of your friends already pointed out...God cares. You may not feel like dragging down your friends (who I'm sure love you enough to give you a shoulder!), and I can appreciate that feeling myself. There is someone that ALWAYS wants you to talk to Him, and ALWAYS wants you to draw close to Him, and ALWAYS wants you to throw your burdens on Him. Whenever I feel alone, I remind myself that I'm really NOT ever alone. The more you learn to rely on God, the more He'll give you the strength to do what's necessary to make you feel better inside (as well as outside). Talking about your feelings is necessary in healing whatever is bothering you. Don't forget to look around and notice all the BEAUTY God has created for our enjoyment, and Thank Him for it all! We've been BLESSED with sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste. There are so many people suffering these days, and they are not able to enjoy ANY of those blessings. Imagine being in a third world country and giving birth to a child, just to watch it starve to death, or die of a disease! Thats the "therapy" I use on myself whenever I'm so depressed that I feel like I'm hurting the people around me.
    Cindy you have so much to be grateful for...your kids, Tim, and all the daily comforts that you and I take for granted. It took Cancer to scare me into appreciating everything that I could, see, hear, smell, touch, and taste. I thank God everyday for listening to my prayers, giving me comfort, and healing my Cancer. I also Thank Him by trying not to lose the appreciation that I LEARNED.
    I still have bad days thanks to the world we live in, but I SAVOUR the good stuff in my life too!
    Who loves ya baby?! I do! I do! MargaretMM
    3898 days ago

    You can do it. Maybe your therapist should be treating your cravings as an addiction. Keep reading. Keep posting. You can turn this around.

    3900 days ago
    I can feel your pain. I wish I could help. All I can do here is pray for your healing. I am going to lay down with my Bible & read some then pray that God will keep you close. Remember that Jesus loves us all & died on the cross that we might have eternal life. The devil comes in to get us on his side. I know I should not offer advice because I do not always take it myself, but find a few good Boble verses, put them on cards, maybe even laminate them. Put them in obvious places..pocketbook, car, kitchen, desk at work,etc. Then when these feelings come, pull out a card & read it over & over & pray.
    "I, Cindy. can do all things(including stopping overeating) through God who strengthens me." Your sister in Christ, Sandy
    3900 days ago
  • REDIS279
    Cindy, I'm so sorry you are feeling so desparately! I'm going to call you on my lunch hour because you are right...this is the time you NEED those who care about you. To love you when you cannot love yourself, to pray for you when you cannot pray, and to speak the truth of who you are when you cannot see it yourself. I'm glad you are in counseling. It can be so freeing to unload to an objective compassionate person. Sometimes God sends us people to be His arms and voice. And you are stronger than you realize because, look!, you posted your blog. You reached out. Part of you knows that the darkness you are fighting is not the truth. My friend, you are in my prayers. God loves you and so do I.
    3901 days ago
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