Day 9, Almost 1 month
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
I just realized I have been actively using this website for almost a month. I've tried using it in the past and have definitely not stuck with it this long. One of the things blogging has done is help me really reflect on what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling throughout the day. Things I've discovered about myself-
1. I am actually afraid of letting go of sweets & binging. I can't really explain it but I know that every time I think about not eating things again I have this mini subconcious freak out that ultimately leads me to failure down the line because I'm not 100% committed going in. When cravings do come on, the compulsion to eat those things far outweighs my commitment to saying no because I let my brain become a fog to give myself an excuse for eating things.
My solution for this I guess begins with acknowledging this fear when it happens and realizing how illogical it is. Then actively imagining the next day or week and how it will be affected by my choice. I also need to acknowledge in the moment that sweets are always a temporary fix, never permanent and never satisfying. I will always want more.
2. I am very self conscious about my body. I've known this for a long time but the extent to which this is true is pretty frustrating. I don't believe people if they compliment me and it leads me to never really knowing or trusting where my weight stands and whether I look healthy or not.
I have been trying not to dwell when these feelings come about but to think about the positive things I have done that day to improve and take care of my body. I try to funnel those feelings into making good decisions for things I can change. I still struggle with a huge need for approval from people.
3. My brain for unknown reasons fends off exercise at certain times. Usually in the morning I am fine and I can get my stuff on and start exercising before I have the chance to stress out. But for some reason in the afternoon, my head physically hurts when I think about exercising. It can build into this barrier that completely prevents me from doing something.
The only thing that has worked for this in the past is just forcing myself to do it anyway. Usually, eventually I will start to not mind it and then even enjoy it. The psychological pressure of it drives me a little crazy though. It helps to have friends join in but often I am forced to do it alone.
4. Most of my stress is due to not making progress on goals with deadlines fast approaching. Procrastination & laziness are my enemy.
I am working on this. I need to not get comfortable in my seat or I don't want to get up and get things done. Once I get comfortable being uncomfortable I make more progress. Why is it such a challenge starting off? I need to make a good way of documenting my progress and goals so I can feel good about getting things done.
5. I am absolutely an emotional eater. My hunger comes in response to sadness, loneliness, hopelessness when it comes to unaccomplished goals, feelings of not being good enough for people, etc.
I need to get to these root causes and prevent these feelings from surfacing. Or when they do, accept those feelings and find other means of feeling better.
Getting this all out really hasn't made me feel that much better! It's a lot to take on. But progress is invigorating.