Tuesday, November 06, 2012
First of all, thank you to those of you who have been commenting on my blogs and continuing to encourage me. I might not have the time to thank you individually, but know that your words mean so much to me. Today is day 7 of my journaling. It is day 6 of my new-new beginning. I have come to the conclusion that I work in cycles. I am working on accepting that and dealing with it as it comes. Instead of getting upset and making it worse when I fall off the wagon, I will simply try to jump back on sooner. I'm not one of those people who can do this 24/7/365. I will have my good weeks or months and I will have my bad (hopefully) days and/or weeks. That is just going to be part of it for me. I have to accept that, as much as I'd like to pretend that I'm perfect and I will be successful all the time.
So here's a run down of this past week.
Day 1-October 31st
--I went to the grocery store. I got ONLY healthy food. I cleaned out my cabinet and my shelves in the fridge and freezer (I rent out the other bedrooms in my house, so we share space). I separated out individual servings on the things I could do that with. I made a list of everything I had "in stock" and I turned it into a one week meal plan. I scheduled my meals and decided the days and times I would workout. I remade old rules: NO fast food. NO frozen meals. Try for 64 oz of water a day. Try for 2 hours of exercise per week. On this day, I was at 240 lbs.
Day 2-November 1st
--I immediately ran into problems. My dad called me and wanted to take me out to breakfast. I threw my meal plan for the day out the window. However, I chose a 3 egg omelette with ham, swiss cheese, mushrooms, and jalapenos. I had water to drink. I threw my lunch together and took it to school. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat. I stayed full for most of the day. I was kind of annoyed with myself for spending so much time planning, just to ignore it. But I decided that my focus should be on retraining myself. I forgot what hungry felt like. So I made the decision to only eat when I was hungry. If that didn't go along with the plan I'd made, so be it. It was more important not to eat when I didn't need to. At work, I didn't buy a thing. I didn't accept the fast food offers I got from the mechanics. I didn't take any of the candy. Nope. I had tuna in a pita pocket. I actually wrote "Surprisingly, this is not only filling, it's freakin' delicious. I am SO proud of myself right now." I did NOT eat when I wasn't hungry. I did NOT buy any of the food we have there. I did NOT go home feeling awful about my food choices. "Fueling the body vs comforting the mind."
Day 3-November 2nd
--Today's quote was "Control your emotion or it will control you." I had cereal and milk with half a small banana for breakfast. I found a container that makes the amount of food look like so much more than it is. It tricks my mind into thinking I'm eating way more than I actually am. I got off track at work that night (my plan literally slipped my mind) when one of the mechanics offered to share his Burger King chicken nuggets with me. He had 20, but gave me half. I wasn't that hungry, but we were all hanging out and having dinner together. Half way through, I literally stopped and realized what I was doing, that it went against what I'd decided for myself this week. I finished them anyway. I ended up eating a Fiber One muffin later on. Again, I wasn't hungry, but everyone else was snacking. At least I ate my snack and didn't share with them. I made the 64 oz of water goal. I walked on the treadmill for an hour. That was on top of 5 or 6 hours of stocking and cleaning at work.
Day 4-November 3rd
--I had cereal, milk, and half a banana for breakfast. I wasn't hungry for the rest of the day. I talked my friend into working out with me. We each did 15 minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes on the bike. I hung out with friends later and ended up drinking quite a bit of Dr. Pepper and Southern Comfort (Dr. SoCo-my guilty pleasure). I didn't allow myself to feel guilty about it. I tracked it and moved on. I had fun and it was worth it. The stress melted. I forgot about the past few weeks of nonsense I've been dealing with.
Day 5-November 4th
--I didn't eat a thing all day. I just wasn't hungry and didn't have the desire to eat. I didn't workout, either.
Day 6-November 5th
--Cereal and milk for breakfast. Special K Fruit and Yogurt is deeeeeelicious. I went and walked on the treadmill for an hour and fifteen minutes. When I weighed, I was shocked to see it at 232. I reweighed three times before I finally accepted it as truth. When I got home, I was so hungry. I had a turkey pita pocket and it filled me right up. After class, my friend wanted to go out. We went to BDubs. We split a Chili con Queso appetizer. I drank a tall Bud Lite and a glass of Knockout Punch. NOT good for you, but I didn't feel bad. I've been making pretty good choices and I'm realizing that everything in moderation is the key. I tracked it and moved on.
This week, I learned that I don't have to deprive myself. That seems to be when I fail the most miserably. I allowed myself to eat and drink whatever I wanted, but I stopped when I was full. For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to feel hunger. It wasn't as scary as I remembered. I could have made better decisions in some situations, but I'm happy with my choices. That's something I don't get to say very often.
I had a conversation with my mom the other day. I finally broke down and opened up to her and told her how serious my problem with food is. She said I always liked food, but she tried to regulate it. She told me I was a closet eater from the time I was 13. She was surprised when I told her I'm still like that. I don't like eating in front of people. I don't want people to know how much I eat. I binge in secret. I live on my own now and there isn't anyone to answer to, but I still sneak food. I still hide the evidence. I still feel ashamed if I'm caught getting food from the kitchen. It doesn't matter what it is or how much it is, I have to hide it. I think about food all day every day. I get excited to go home and binge. I don't know why all of this started. She wasn't sure, either. It's an issue that I've had for at least the last 8 years of my life. It's something that I pushed deep and ignored. Now that I let myself get so far gone, I'm trying to face it and it's hard. I'm afraid I'll never successfully beat it until I figure out WHY it started. There's so much more to this than I can type here. I don't quite know how to express it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this issue. Any words of advice?