Tuesday, November 06, 2012
Norman Cousins says, "People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams."
I know this first hand, Fear creates anxiety and this team can screw your life up majorly. Hell, I have lived it and still live it. But, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Fear also clones itself. For example a majority of the fear I face and have faced is related to my health. Symptoms would occur and the fear would start. Hour after hour and nearly day after day of tormenting fear. The only peace I would receive is when I slept or when I would loose myself in a game or television program.
Then, it happened fear would clone itself. In the midst of those daily fears I would remember the Quote of Job, in essence job said, "That i feared the most has come upon me." So, does that mean my fears of having a heart attack will actually spur my body to have or create a situation that results in a heart attack? So not only was I now fearing my symptoms were heart related, or appendix or strangulated hernia, or... anything that could be fatal for someone morbidly obese, such as myself, I now feared that no matter if my fears were based on my imagination or something stupid, that my fears were giving birth to those things i feared most.
Yes a very vicious circle that tormented me, my days were and can still be mental hell. A vicious circle that crippled me and kept me, out of fear, from making changes to better my life. They kept me from making changes to improve my health so that I wouldn't have to fear like I do now. It is almost like Fear was defending itself, fear was preserving its life and hold on me by crippling me and keeping me from changes. Why? Because in my head the thoughts would go something like this, "That pain, it has to be your heart, it can be nothing else, it is your heart, you need to get healthy, but if it is your heart and you go to exercise you will have a heart attack and die. Then you will leave those you love behind, you will break their heart, you will be responsible for their tears. You need to go to the ER, you need to go to the doctor, it is your heart. IT ID YOUR HEART!!!" So i would do nothing out of fear. No matter if my fears were based on fact or just a non serious something. No matter if they were real or all in my head, I still feared that my fears would bring to life that I feared most.
Day after day, Doctor visit after Doctor visit, ER after ER and Test after Test I faced these fears screaming in my head. Yes, I was not satisfied with any answer I got, though some created a short lived hope and glimmer of light, I still felt the pains and in my head they just had to miss something. I still felt those pains that just had to be the heart. This went on for 3+ years and thus I was still on a sinking boat of fear. The storm raged on, the boat tossed, the lightning strikes, the rain falls and no one is around to help!
Yes, fear is crippling, it creates anxiety and it reproduces itself. We all also know that anxiety is extremely bad for our health, and thus more fear and anxiety, more stress, more torment. You pray for peace, you pray for deliverance, you pray for light in the darkness, you get to the point that you want nothing more than some understanding and loving arms you can just collapse into and take refuge from the storms waiting for them to pass as you take comfort in the embrace wanting and letting your fears and anxiety melt away in those loving arms. Yes, you long for and pray for such a peace and comfort, but then, the fear smashes you in the face and now you fear that you will never-ever be free from fear in this life. But, even those thoughts don't last long because the symptoms the pain, the issues start again. Then, you fear what the next 60 seconds will bring. What will it bring? WHAT WILL IT BRING???
So share with me. What are your thoughts? what are you fears? Have you overcome them? How? Have you found peace? What gives you hope? What are your fears?
There will be more to come shortly, I will dwell deeper into the subject of fear.
Till next time,