Tuesday, November 06, 2012
I wish I had the money... I would go on a 2 week vacation somewhere I've never been and where I know nobody. Maybe, if I like where I found myself, I would simply move away. Walk away from my life. Sometimes I think that would be less painful.
My cousin and I are still trying to salvage our friendship. Sometimes all I want to do is hurt her like she (admittedly knowingly) hurt me. Part of me wants to tell her father all that happened. But it would hurt him, damage their rocky relationship, and really not help me at all. Though he is my favorite and closest uncle and the one I've turned to for support and advice since I was a teenager. I hate feeling that way, but I think it's natural. Part of me also wants to talk to her about everything again... it really wouldn't help much. Other than to point out how much I had loved and valued her before this... and how part of me will never trust her again. She has apologized 100 times, but it doesn't help any either. I considered cutting her from my life too, at least briefly, but then the family would get involved.
My ex and I are ... supposedly still trying to salvage OUR friendship. It's still more painful to walk away and cut him out of my life as it is to stay and fight for the base friendship. Though some days it's about even. Basically, if I see him in person: I'm balanced for many days even without hearing from him. If I've not seen him for days: then if I hear from him, I'm balanced. If many days of silence stack up... my heart starts breaking all over again and I doubt his wish to remain friends. He's said he wants to remain friends so many times, but silence doesn't prove it.
Then, my cousin who said she didn't have the money to come for my brother's wedding in November, and couldn't come for other things family invited her to, suddenly is coming to visit in the middle of December. Her Dad is confused and upset by this... and all I can think is "Is she planning to break the girl code again?" She told me about it the moment she arranged it with her dad. Actually, she told me before she arranged it but at that point it was only a wish, now it's a plan.
In other aspects of life: I know that now I need to focus even more on myself. I just got space cleared in my apartment so I can work out at home. So now I need to force myself into a schedule. And get much busier applying for jobs; from going through heart break before, the best way to survive it is to work oneself to exhaustion during the day and sleep well all night. Being unemployed gives me way too much time for thinking, and not enough $ to do anything outside the house.
Sorry, this is just an unloading post. Today was a bad day.