It's been a while since I've had time to write a blog so instead of writing two blogs, I thought I would do a two-part blog.
First, many of you may know from my last blog that I had not been able to go to the gym for about two weeks because I had to give up my membership for financial reasons. I was very nervous about that and tried really hard to still exercise. I don't have any videos or equipment at home so I had to rely on good ol' walking. It doesn't burn nearly as many calories as other exercises but it was all I had. I chose routes with hills to keep it challenging. I'm not physically at a point where I can jog yet.
I only was able to go about four times one week and three times the next so my calories burned and energy exerted was definitely lower than the past few months. I was afraid of getting lazy or getting out of the habit of working out hard and going to the gym.
I finally was able to return to the gym Thursday and I was DREADING it. I thought it was going to be so hard getting back into it after being gone since two Sundays before that. Guess what? I rocked it!!!!! I did a 12:30-minute mile on the elliptical. My fastest time before that was 15:20. Then I moved to the treadmill and I was faster and it didn't even feel like I was trying. I even jogged a bit.
I was so happy and now know that taking that time off probably gave my body a much needed rest. Second, walking those hills increased my physical strength and muscles that I had not been using by doing most of my workouts in the gym. I realize taking a break or taking it easy is scary but I think maybe sometimes we need to do it to get stronger physically and mentally.
I've decided I'm going to put more walking into my cardio routine instead of all elliptical. I love the elliptical because it burns a lot of calories but I didn't realize I had sort of hit a plateau and wasn't progressing as much as I could. It also inspired me to sign up for my first 5k in years. I'll be doing it on the day that is a glutton's dream...Thanksgiving!
I figured it would give me motivation to keep working hard leading into the holiday season and it will remind me of my goals on a day that is traditionally about eating like a pig.
With that said, this is the second half of my blog. I don't know if I've hit a slump or a bump in the road or I'm depressed but I don't feel good about myself or anything I'm doing right now. Two things have made me feel bad. First, I finally bought a new scale and it turns out my old scale was about 10 pounds off. I'm so depressed about this. I mean I've lost weight. My clothes are fitting me baggy and I've lost inches but I feel like I've had very little progress for very much effort. I don't know if my scale was right to start or went wacky along the way. So maybe I've lost 40 pounds or maybe it's only 30. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal but for me there was something mentally about reaching that 40-pound mark. I almost feel like my effort this last month didn't even count.
Second, this financial stress in my life is getting me down. I'm seriously at the end of my rope. I thought things would finally be better with this check but once all the bills were paid and necessities were handled, I'm broke. I'm so sick of it and I feel like I'm doing a terrible job as a parent. How can I celebrate or be proud of anything when I can't even provide for my family?
It's also really hard to restock fresh fruit and veggies in my house when there is no money left in the bank until payday. I made a stew on Saturday so that will get me through the beginning of the week and I have things to cook but there is no way I will have fresh produce for the next two weeks. It's so incredibly frustrating. It throws everything off and I feel closest I have since starting this journey to just throwing in the towel. Mostly it's because it feels hopeless and no matter what I try, it's not changing. I see my life in the same frickin' mess it was in June.
I guess I'm just having a hard time seeing how far I've come or if I've even progressed at all. Some days I still feel as stressed, sad, isolated, worried and fat as I did when I started this in June. What's the point of all this hard work if nothing changes? Why don't I feel any success?