Monday, November 05, 2012
I recently had some things happen in my life. I am not ready to share them here, but it was significant, life altering, and has had such a cascading effect on my life that it's unbelievable. Anyway, as a result of that I've been asked to look at my situation try to think of reasons why things went down the way they did. I think I figured it out
I'm disgusted with myself. I hate how I look, I hate how I feel. I hate how hard things that were once going so smoothly have become insurmountable. I hate how I give into binge eating. I hate how the gym that was once something I wouldn't NEVER miss, has become an after thought. I have spending 2.5 hours a day at a place to ruin it later that night by poor decisions. I hate that my foot makes running unbearable. I hate how weak I've become, and now don't even have the minimized size to justify the loss. To put it simply, I'm pretty sure I hate myself.
I didn't think I had it in me to be honest. I didn't think my personal appearance mattered that much. I'm married, I've got a lot going for me. I never thought how I looked in a mirror would affect my every day. But I've gotten to the point where I'm disgusted to be in my own skin. I hate going to my closet and bypassing 50% of my new wardrobe bc they fit too tight, if at all. Its oppressive. Its daunting. It's choking, and its a cloud that I cannot seem to shake.
I'm not looking for a response to this, I just wanted to capture this feeling while I had it, and this is where the thoughts landed.
I cant go and lift b/c I pulled my lat, which puts me further behind in what is now a win-less battle. I can't run because of the plantar BS that I have going on, which puts me farther behind yet again. It's just so dang frustrating. This is the time of year where its the hardest to stay on track anyway, and I'm trying to melt a hill of snow with a match.
I have no inspirational ending, I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. I will keep swimming, its all I can do, but I think its just an exercise in futility.