As is true with any writing I do, I start with an idea. Often the idea has more form to it than I end up with. I resent that a touch - feeling I have something to say then looking back and thinking "What drivel?!?" Drivel can still be competent and meaningful, though, and I am grateful for the ability to put words together. Some days, that's more difficult than others.
I'm struggling with a virus, with costochondritis (the cause of the chest pain from the last blog), and with a true desire to step away from "life as it is" since it feels so overwhelming and just flat out hard to get a grip on. I am who I am, though, and can find, at times, moments to rest. Moments to reflect. Here is one of those.
Someone posted a blog post through a different website about parenting while chronically ill. restministries.com/2012/
She also put a link to it through one of my facebook groups. Reading the small blurb on facebook made me lose my breath when I read it yesterday, because I'd just had the worst days as a parent that I feel I can have - lying in bed with 102 fever is not being a good mom, especially when the older kid yells at me that the computer wasn't working right, but she didn't come upstairs to get my help AND the younger one just called from downstairs. Must have been asleep. Must have needed to sleep. Wasn't prepared to be yelled at by hormone child. I couldn't answer this post on the first day. This morning, here is how I responded.
"This is where the concepts of "One day at a time" and "mindfulness" have been critical for me. I can't look at what I've done or what I may do. I can look at what I *can* do in this moment. I can explain to my children, in as age appropriate ways as possible, why I'm asking of them what I'm asking of them. I can help them deal with the "heartbreaking" change in schedule 'cause mom is too sick to drive them to an event. They roll with the punches much more now than I do, and just say "It's okay." Perhaps I've explained things well over the years. He's only 9. She's only 11. She has special needs, so we have it a touch rougher in some ways, but we're balancing the moments we can how we can.
Today, he was honest in saying he hates the fighting in our home. When she's not quite on her meds yet, and I'm having a bad day, there seems to be no way to "connect" for awhile. There is, it just takes more effort an energy, and sometimes I have to borrow from tomorrow. Only so many "borrows" are good, though.
Every day is a day on it's own, with the eventual progression leading home. Hopefully we'll hear "Well done, my good and faithful servants." That is my goal, and I tell them that - to help them be the people God is making them to be."
Some days, it's hard to breathe. I find myself holding my eyes open sometimes when I'm holding my breath, too. It's a curiosity, currently - trying to understand if I'm still holding my breath to see what will happen and holding my eyes open to SEE what will happen, or if I'm just trying to introduce some kind of pause into the world that doesn't exist. Stupid VCRs and DVDs that taught me such a thing.
There is no pause in life. There is no reverse. Being mindful and stepping forward into the next moment is what I choose to do, and that's okay.