Sunday, November 04, 2012
This past weekend, I went on an overnight trip to a giant flea market with three other women... Meant to be a fun, girls' weekend. It was a major reality check for me. A lot of the time I get so wrapped up in my everyday, sedentary life that I don't even think about the fact that my obesity would make it difficult for me to do certain things - walking around a flea market for two days, for example. I have fond memories of going to flea markets as a kid and teenager in winter, wandering from booth to booth or table to table. Sipping hot cocoa and window shopping for hours on end. But I don't ever remember feeling tired or having aching feet. Never happened when I was younger and I suppose it is because I was thin-ish back then. Now that I weigh over 300 pounds, it's another story entirely. Walking from the parking area to the first flea market vendor area a couple days ago was already enough to make me feel tired. By lunchtime, my feet were aching and I needed to rest. I was too embarrassed to tell my friends that I needed to stop and rest, so I just downed some ibuprofen and kept shopping with them, trying not to let on that I was tired and in pain. As the day continued, I grew more and more desperate, sitting in for-sale chairs and pretending to be an interested buyer, when all I wanted was to rest.
Day two of the flea market excursion was agony. I started the day feeling pretty well rested, but knowing I wouldn't be physically able to marathon shop for 12 hours straight as my friends had planned. I took two ibuprofen in the car on the way to the flea market from the hotel as a preemptive measure. It helped to get me through about the first hour of shopping, then my feet felt like they were on fire. Luckily, my friends decided they had had about enough of the flea market and we left after about 7 hours. I managed to walk for 7 hours straight that day and never stop to sit - not sure how I managed it.
So here I am on a Sunday morning, letting it all out as people do. It does seem to help when I blog, getting it out of my head so I can move on and stop thinking about it. Please understand, it is not easy for me to admit this, even anonymously. I feel like crying. I feel so ashamed for doing this to my body, for making myself so unhealthy that I can't even enjoy a day out with the girls. I want to turn back time and make healthier choices. I want to be a better me. But wanting it is not enough. I need to act.