Friday, November 02, 2012
i want to cry because it stings when the person you love tells you, you aren't attractive to them much anymore. it sucks to hear. i want to rebel and be like screw you, you should love me for who i am regardless but truth is i'm a little shallow too. i care about what eric looks like when i'm around him. i care what other people think when they meet him. i can't cry because i feel the same way. but i do have love for myself and that's the part that's saying hey i look great still. the problem with great outward appearing self confidence is that it can be self-defeating because i tell myself i look fabulous and believe it 70% of the time even when i know my clothes don't fit and i have a muffin top and i can't do 1 push-up. it's like my confidence becomes an excuse to rebel. even though i know he is speaking on a selfish level, he does still care enough to worry about my health.
i know i'm ridiculously pudgy looking everywhere. i see it in photos of my arms, the size of my calves, and the muffin top of softness that hangs over my only pair of regular size jeans. i have a lot of work to do to fit back into my regular clothes, yet each day i am giving into candy and ice cream and not making well-balanced meals. why? am i scared it's going to be hard work? or scared i'm going to fail? i love the feeling of running and pushing myself. i love the feeling of my jeans fitting better and seeing muscles stand out.
i know i weigh 162. that is not my normal weight. that is not my goal weight. i know i am not happy with how i look in the mirror. i know that i am ignoring everything i know about being healthy and eating healthy when i reach for 3 reese's cups. i know that what i eat, affects what gavin eats and i know that i am doing a horrible job of making sure i get proper nutrients. and for once maybe hearing him voice his concern again is just enough because it is making me reflect and find that personal motivation again to get out there and just be better.
i have goals that i set out for myself and i have lost sight of some of them due to being unfocused. now i know i can't be too hard on myself, but i know i can be better. i've been spending way too much time wasted away on facebook, looking at stuff on pinterest, shopping for my dream wedding ring. i can complain to eric about not being able to handle gavin, school work, and take care of the house so he picked up all the chores. he wants to help. he wants us to succeed.
i am generally a happier person when i do yoga 3x a week. i haven't been doing that. i've been skipping meals because i can't think of something i want to eat because i'm not craving anything at the time again. i haven't been spending enough time reflecting, having me time, or letting myself unwind and remember what motivates me and what my goals in life are.
its the beginning of the month. so why not start now:
do my postnatal bootcamp workout 4 times a week
do yoga twice
go on a 30 minute run 3x a week
always have with me and keep my water bottle full
have protein with breakfast and dinner
eat 2 fruits a day
make 1 new quick meal each week
buy more veggies and cut down on sugar