Friday, November 02, 2012
It's been a few days since I last blogged and I'm not really sure what I want to say. I have put in some really hard and intense work in therapy this week and as hard as it was to lose my beloved therapist in May, I'm glad that I'm with my current one. I think she's a really good fit for me and we have been talking about so many things in therapy that I've either never talked about or that I haven't talked about in a long time. She makes me feel supported and like she's on my side. The therapist I had between the current and my favorite one frequently made me feel like I wasn't working hard enough and really brought out the perfectionistic side of me in a bad way. I have a lot of respect for her and think she's a great therapist but she just wasn't a good fit for me. it's been a long hard journey to find another good therapist but I think I've finally been successful on that journey.
things have been interesting lately. I'm trying really hard to fight back against my eating disorder and make healthier decisions. My main focus lately has been on increasing my daily intake of calories (from around 500 to about 800-1000) and will continue to work on increasing until I'm around 1400-1800. I've also been focused on eliminating the purging. I'm proud to say that I have been pretty successful there.......only 2 purges in 2 weeks, the last one being 5 days ago. on Wednesday I made the decision to completely take the purging off the table. it's no longer an option for me to engage in that behavior under any circumstance. it feels really scary for me to make that decision (I've never made it not an option before even when I got in recovery last time) and even scarier for me to be putting this out there to anyone who may read this.
I am tired of being miserable. I am tired of hating myself, my body and feeling like I am not good enough or adequate as I am. My therapist keeps challenging my thoughts that I'm not good enough by asking me what I would say to my friends or my daughter if they were saying the things about themselves that I say about myself. It's really been an eye opening experience because I am incredibly hard on myself. I want to finally start to see myself as other perople see me and realize that I am full of worth because I exist and not because of what I can do or have done. I want a happy life. I want to be able to face the challenges that come my way and grow from those challenges instead of being derailed by them and shrinking away from life.
This is probably one of the scarier but most liberating things I've ever done and gone through.
"I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed" ~michael jordan
I have to keep this in mind that even if I think I've failed that there is always something to learn from the experience. Even Thomas Edison wasn't successful on his first inventions.