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    CALLIKIA   23,798
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You Deserve At Least That Much

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Some of you have caught on that even though I've gone silent, I've been a tiny bit more talkative over at my home blog:

fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot
.com


That being said, thank you for the well wishes and concern from some of you. I honestly wish I had more to give you today than I do, but you at least deserve an explanation. So here's the short of it...for the long of it, head over to my blog.

I didn't get the job.
A guy at my work, the one I felt was promoted "over" me...he got the job.
I let 20k more a year, a better work environment, a beautiful office, amazeballs benefits, and security for my family slip through my fingers and I can't figure out what I did to get that dreadful call of, "You are amazing! You would be an asset to the company! But we're going to go with AHOLE."
I am more bitter than I should be. I am angry and sad and I am not about to go explaining that to a bunch of people who may or may not understand who I am, what I've been through in my life, and why it kills me so much to be denied yet again.
I haven't spoken up because I know what I'll hear. I'll hear crap about cherishing what I have when what I really need to hear is my husband's voice in my ear letting me vent and get angry while he cheers me on and says things like, "You're right. It sucks. They're stupid. They're going to regret it. D-bag is a d-bag and probably did some shady stuff to land it behind your back."

That's what I need.
That's why I haven't shared.
Because what I love about most of you is your ability to see the bright side.
But while I love that about you, it makes me want to rip people's throats out right now because my "bright side" is that I've managed to not kill anyone yet.

Yes, it's been that serious for me.
And admitting that has been something else I haven't wanted to do here.

I also didn't want to admit that the anxiety, stress, guilt, anger, and full on grief over this situation has caused me to gain 20 pounds and caused my pants to get tight again. I'm eating candy for lunch because I need to punish myself for being a failure.

WAIT! Stop! Before you start complimenting me and saying stuff like "You're not a failure! Look at how far you've come!" I'm begging you to save that for later when I've pulled myself out of this mental quagmire of self-hate. I'M BEGGING YOU TO SAVE IT FOR ME. I promise I'll need it later. I can't appreciate it now. I'm just trying to explain, especially to those of you that have asked.

That being said, you can also hold on to the "You're so amazing because you keep going no matter what!" comments too. PLEASE. But, yes, I'm still trying to set goals. I have nothing else in my life I can control. I let that opportunity slip away and I know from searching for jobs for years now that there aren't other opportunities this perfect. They don't exist. Not here. Not in the perfect situation that would have allowed me to finally provide for my family in the way that they deserve and stay in the place where I've finally been able to make friends.

I just wanted to come here and let you know that life's just been really hard right now. And, yes, I keep telling myself there are people with bigger problems, but that doesn't help and I need some time to validate my emotions and find the other side of this mess of disappointment.

I just thought you deserved some idea as to what's going on.
I might be back.
I can't make promises right now.
I would LOVE to feel better about myself and my life.
I'd love to regain control and be back here pushing myself to lose the last 100 pounds or so and finally reach my goals.
But right now it's a struggle just to get up in the morning.

But I wanted to thank you of thinking of me.
And I wish all of you nothing but the best and brightest in life.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTLIKEALICE 11/5/2012 11:13PM

    yep. What they said ;)

You know we are here when you are ready.

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ABEAUTIFULMESS1 11/5/2012 11:03AM

    I am sure that they will all realize that they lost out big time! I totally know the feeling. I've actually run into several people that got teaching jobs that I interviewed for, but obviously didn't get and I always have this twinge of "how the F*** did you get that job over me???". I know it sucks now, but I'm sure they will see the error of their decision!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 11/3/2012 5:57PM

    They're stupid. They're going to regret it. D-bag is a d-bag and probably did some shady stuff to land it behind your back. And did I mention they are stupid?
Love ya, Hol

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 11/2/2012 11:31AM

    THat sucks girl. I can't believe they hired the d-bag. What a mistake that will be.

I second Cheryl.

Other then that, all I have for you is a big emoticon

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ABETTERCHERYL 11/1/2012 4:24PM

    Fuhk those aholes. The whole lot of them.

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CHICAT63 11/1/2012 4:03PM

    emoticon I really can relate to how you are feeling about the frustration, the anger, the guilt about being passed over for douche, truly I can and the resentment too, been there, bought the tshirt. You can forgive but never forget and that's ok. Just do what you gotta do, we are here for you ! emoticon

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 11/1/2012 2:19PM

    emoticon they promoted s douche over you. Same with the weight. Sometimes life just blows.

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BAYBELIEVER 11/1/2012 1:55PM

    We're here. Yeah, sending you hugs and best wishes. And agreeing that it was stupid of them. I believe no one would work harder than you. Be down. Be mad. Be sad. But know that when I tell you that you know you are awesome and you are worth all the good you can find and make for your life that I say it because I have more of that later for you too when you need it.
emoticon emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 11/1/2012 1:54PM

    We're here. Yeah, sending you hugs and best wishes. And agreeing that it was stupid of them. I believe no one would work harder than you. Be down. Be mad. Be sad. But know that when I tell you that you know you are awesome and you are worth all the good you can find and make for your life that I say it because I have more of that later for you too when you need it.
emoticon emoticon

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4EVERADONEGIRL 11/1/2012 1:41PM

    Love you bunches girl...

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IRISHBEANERGAL 11/1/2012 1:26PM

    Just do what you need to do - I have the "nice" stuff stowed away, ready for when you want it.

Just glad to hear you are still around - take care.

~Irish

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SARAWALKS 11/1/2012 12:17PM

    Saving all the positive S___
OK
BUT just wanna say you are RIGHT to be ROYALLY PISSED so GO RIGHT AHEAD AND RAVE!
But DON'T PUNISH YOURSELF, you did not LET THIS SLIP AWAY, it was taken away, you did your VERY BEST TO GET THE JOB.
I don't even have to ask, I know you did, because I know Esther and how she goes about things.
You always do your best.
But DON'T DO YOUR BEST AT PUNISHING YOURSELF! SO THERE!
If it makes you feel any better, it was probably sexism, still rampant today, and male A______S often have the in.
But justice will come, it just takes a while sometimes and drives us nuts in the meantime.
Oops that was positive...sorry... emoticon

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ERIN1128 11/1/2012 12:05PM

    Yay, you're back! I've missed you. I saw your comment about sorry if people can't deal with you being a downer - were people complaining? Sheesh! I always admire your honesty, and frankly, I get suspicious of people who NEVER have a bad day. ;-) Hang in there!

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ARUNNINGKAT 11/1/2012 11:44AM

    emoticon

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NATNOEL 11/1/2012 10:39AM

    emoticon

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