Some of you have caught on that even though I've gone silent, I've been a tiny bit more talkative over at my home blog:
That being said, thank you for the well wishes and concern from some of you. I honestly wish I had more to give you today than I do, but you at least deserve an explanation. So here's the short of it...for the long of it, head over to my blog.
I didn't get the job.
A guy at my work, the one I felt was promoted "over" me...he got the job.
I let 20k more a year, a better work environment, a beautiful office, amazeballs benefits, and security for my family slip through my fingers and I can't figure out what I did to get that dreadful call of, "You are amazing! You would be an asset to the company! But we're going to go with AHOLE."
I am more bitter than I should be. I am angry and sad and I am not about to go explaining that to a bunch of people who may or may not understand who I am, what I've been through in my life, and why it kills me so much to be denied yet again.
I haven't spoken up because I know what I'll hear. I'll hear crap about cherishing what I have when what I really need to hear is my husband's voice in my ear letting me vent and get angry while he cheers me on and says things like, "You're right. It sucks. They're stupid. They're going to regret it. D-bag is a d-bag and probably did some shady stuff to land it behind your back."
That's what I need.
That's why I haven't shared.
Because what I love about most of you is your ability to see the bright side.
But while I love that about you, it makes me want to rip people's throats out right now because my "bright side" is that I've managed to not kill anyone yet.
Yes, it's been that serious for me.
And admitting that has been something else I haven't wanted to do here.
I also didn't want to admit that the anxiety, stress, guilt, anger, and full on grief over this situation has caused me to gain 20 pounds and caused my pants to get tight again. I'm eating candy for lunch because I need to punish myself for being a failure.
WAIT! Stop! Before you start complimenting me and saying stuff like "You're not a failure! Look at how far you've come!" I'm begging you to save that for later when I've pulled myself out of this mental quagmire of self-hate. I'M BEGGING YOU TO SAVE IT FOR ME. I promise I'll need it later. I can't appreciate it now. I'm just trying to explain, especially to those of you that have asked.
That being said, you can also hold on to the "You're so amazing because you keep going no matter what!" comments too. PLEASE. But, yes, I'm still trying to set goals. I have nothing else in my life I can control. I let that opportunity slip away and I know from searching for jobs for years now that there aren't other opportunities this perfect. They don't exist. Not here. Not in the perfect situation that would have allowed me to finally provide for my family in the way that they deserve and stay in the place where I've finally been able to make friends.
I just wanted to come here and let you know that life's just been really hard right now. And, yes, I keep telling myself there are people with bigger problems, but that doesn't help and I need some time to validate my emotions and find the other side of this mess of disappointment.
I just thought you deserved some idea as to what's going on.
I might be back.
I can't make promises right now.
I would LOVE to feel better about myself and my life.
I'd love to regain control and be back here pushing myself to lose the last 100 pounds or so and finally reach my goals.
But right now it's a struggle just to get up in the morning.
But I wanted to thank you of thinking of me.
And I wish all of you nothing but the best and brightest in life.