Wednesday, October 31, 2012
I have a destructive personality, I KNOW that I am fixing to overeat, but DONíT CARE, I do it anyway. I always try to destroy any goal that I may have to make myself feel good. My reality at this time is that I donít deserve to feel good, look good, or be healthy. I am an ugly, fat, despicable human being and picture myself as a monster.
I feel pretty sometimes, but the ugly monster comes through eventually.
I hate being fat, because my mind tells me I am being judged by onlookers. My belief is that fat people are like, alcoholics, drug abusers, or anyone with any kind of adduction, WEAK! That is how I feel, I donít know if anyone else feels that way, but I do at this time. Maybe I feel this because I want to think that they are weak, since that is how I am weak. I will go past my comfort zone continuing to counting calories, weighting myself, working on an exercise plan of some kind. I will try reflecting on all the things I label as good in my life daily rather I like it or not. I will convince myself that I am worth the trouble, that I can love me, myself, and I. That I can give myself compliments and take them and own the complements others give me. I will also not allow others negative comments other people make of me linger in my mind and make me feel that I was right in thinking that I was worthless.
This will be my goal, to make the pretty one in me more powerful than the ugly monster in me that keeps me hiding behind the fat, so no one tries to get close to me, because I am scarred to be taken advantage of or scarred to be abused physically or sexually ever again!