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    PJH2028   18,290
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Leaks or Suitcases?

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Don't know what to do, where to go. I seem to be questioning EVERYTHING. And have no toehold on anything. I feel Rootless. Need community. Need work. Need structure. My relationship with Joe gives me comfort and a structure that I wonder about the overall health of.

I went on line this morning to see what’s left on the market of real estate this season (nothing). I went and looked at the condo that I insanely walked away from, that is being purchased by someone else. I still want to say that I can’t believe it what I did! -- it’s like waking up after a blackout, worse than a bender - like those movies where the guy wakes up and finds out he was accessory to a crime! Day by day I am doing better at not looking backwards but it smacks... and I must learn from it and live with it. ((There are some rational reasons why I panicked, but some of the panick is inexplicable). If I am lucky enough to find another someplace next to buy…. I am asking friends now to please help me make sure that I have someone to step by step me through the process. I cannot do it successfully by myself – this has now been proven… and it feels as though my life depends on succeeding at this. I hate being incompetent in this way; but I’d rather get help for this competency gap than continue to suffer with the consequences of my failings.

Meanwhile….Onward:
If I can't stay in my current tiny apartment with the leaks...then I may go live in my mom's lake house Michigan for the winter... maybe could travel too ... if I can figure out how to get my infusions while traveling. (I've looked for short term rentals in the city but there is so very little available in my price range. and... or... I'm Collapsed... short circuited in this area)

Should I stay with leaks? Or move to Michigan? That is the question. ?

My sister Laura believes that I should take advantage of what she sees as "freedom". I like the idea of that. Still, with so many unknowns...and my personality...it doesn't feel like freedom to me. A buddhist friend of mine has all his worldly belongings in his garage in Colorado, in a house he plans to sell, and is renting a palce on the east coast with his wife for a season... to check it out. Other people do this. Joe and I are both unemployed except for freelance stuff which is entirely portable!!

WHEN I BREATHE in the PRESENT moments...when I can be of service to others... THEN I remember my self, then I feel my own integrity and my strength comes back.

I am humiliated. I am collapsed. I need to steel myself. I need to BELIEVE IN MY SELF and in MY FUTURE. In ways that I dont right now. 155 lbs. Woohoo. That's great. And LIFE is in my face.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_COSMOPAULATAN_ 11/2/2012 7:08AM

    Paula... no more torture of what could have been. It's going to spin you until you are sick of yourself. Ask a fellow Chicagoan you trust who their realtor was and if they would use them again. It's a start. Make a wish list of the top 3-5 things you can't live without and a wish list of everything else. Have that for the realtor and let them go to work. If looking makes you yearn for what was, don't look. If looking makes you crazy, don't look. It's ok.

If everything is overwhelming, choose just ONE thing you can make a decision on for better or worse. Just one. I get in the spin cycle too and often it's caused by indecision. One decision, even if it's to take a bath and quiet your mind to allow other options to surface.

My chiro told me that the function of never having your brain shut off is actually caused by an overactive adrenal. He had some over the counter homeopathic cream to put on the back of my neck that I purchased, I slept like a baby that first time. All was quiet upstairs... so welcome.

I'm here for you. Don't get swallowed up in your spin cycle. Be conscious of it, and choose different. You know that is how patterns are undone.

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CHOCOHIPPO 10/31/2012 9:46PM

    You seem to have a handle on what you need, but you're awfully hard on yourself. I think your insight is amazing and you're very wise to know what you need and who you are. Whatever choice you make, it will be a good one with adventure in the making. Stay strong!

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SLFRISBEY 10/31/2012 10:58AM

    What ever you decide, it will be the right decision. Just relax and think of where you most want to be. I know the right doors will open for you!

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MAHGRET 10/31/2012 10:07AM

    Good luck figuring out the best decision for you.

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