Tuesday, October 30, 2012
I don't really want to blog about this.. I don't really want to blog period.. But it may be good to get everything out. I am not trying to self pity or feel sorry for myself.. This is what I have truly dug deep inside for.. and this is what I found.. Probably the true reason why I am on this roller coaster.
I have been on such an emotional roller coaster the past week or so.. It's been really bad. Normally I don't have depression issues anymore or anger issues (period).. but the past week... I have tried and tried everything to stop feeling the ways I have been feeling.. even exercise hasn't been helping. I am so done trying with everything in my life. Every time I try and put everything into it, something happens or I fail. And the past week it's been happening in every aspect of my life.
I tell myself nothing great is ever easy. Accomplishing things and getting through hard things.. will never be easy. But why am I trying? I can say I am trying for myself and my future. But do I believe in myself? Do I really care about myself? Do I believe I will ever really have a future? Or do I really care about my future? I want to share my future with someone... If I haven't found that one special person in my life now, what's to say I will find the one later when I am skinnier? Or will it be the same bull***** with all guys. I swear, someone has to love me or even at least try and get to know me when I am fat.. rather than when I am skinnier. Who's to say I will ever meet anyone.. even if I meet someone, I have a pretty big secret when it comes to my body, no one will ever like me after I tell them. I have such a big fear of falling for someone and telling them my secret and they will leave. Yeah you can say "Well they weren't right for you anyway." So easier said then felt. I am sick and tired of getting my heart broken again and again. Getting cheated on, lied to, stepped on, used. Seems like the only guys who like me are those types. What is wrong with me? And when it comes to trying to find a real person, everyone just has one thing on their mind.
Every time I try, I fail, and fail hard.. I get back up and fail harder. When it comes to home, work, and relationships. It's hard to fail like that especially at work, because work is my livelihood (it's sad..I know..but its the only thing that is going somewhat right in my non-existent life right now), it is my apartment, work is honestly the best thing that is going for me right now. Laziness is taking over (like always), food is slowly taking over. Everything is taking over. I care.. but I don't at the same time. I have never ever finished anything in my life. I don't have anything to be proud of really. I quit college, I quit all of the sports I have ever done, I have given up on many awesome career opportunities.. I have quit on projects here and there.. I have quit and quit. I don't have really anything to fight for. What's the point of fighting for my health and for me when I really don't care or really don't think there is a reason to fight for.