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What am I fighting for really

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I don't really want to blog about this.. I don't really want to blog period.. But it may be good to get everything out. I am not trying to self pity or feel sorry for myself.. This is what I have truly dug deep inside for.. and this is what I found.. Probably the true reason why I am on this roller coaster.

I have been on such an emotional roller coaster the past week or so.. It's been really bad. Normally I don't have depression issues anymore or anger issues (period).. but the past week... I have tried and tried everything to stop feeling the ways I have been feeling.. even exercise hasn't been helping. I am so done trying with everything in my life. Every time I try and put everything into it, something happens or I fail. And the past week it's been happening in every aspect of my life.

I tell myself nothing great is ever easy. Accomplishing things and getting through hard things.. will never be easy. But why am I trying? I can say I am trying for myself and my future. But do I believe in myself? Do I really care about myself? Do I believe I will ever really have a future? Or do I really care about my future? I want to share my future with someone... If I haven't found that one special person in my life now, what's to say I will find the one later when I am skinnier? Or will it be the same bull***** with all guys. I swear, someone has to love me or even at least try and get to know me when I am fat.. rather than when I am skinnier. Who's to say I will ever meet anyone.. even if I meet someone, I have a pretty big secret when it comes to my body, no one will ever like me after I tell them. I have such a big fear of falling for someone and telling them my secret and they will leave. Yeah you can say "Well they weren't right for you anyway." So easier said then felt. I am sick and tired of getting my heart broken again and again. Getting cheated on, lied to, stepped on, used. Seems like the only guys who like me are those types. What is wrong with me? And when it comes to trying to find a real person, everyone just has one thing on their mind.

Every time I try, I fail, and fail hard.. I get back up and fail harder. When it comes to home, work, and relationships. It's hard to fail like that especially at work, because work is my livelihood (it's sad..I know..but its the only thing that is going somewhat right in my non-existent life right now), it is my apartment, work is honestly the best thing that is going for me right now. Laziness is taking over (like always), food is slowly taking over. Everything is taking over. I care.. but I don't at the same time. I have never ever finished anything in my life. I don't have anything to be proud of really. I quit college, I quit all of the sports I have ever done, I have given up on many awesome career opportunities.. I have quit on projects here and there.. I have quit and quit. I don't have really anything to fight for. What's the point of fighting for my health and for me when I really don't care or really don't think there is a reason to fight for.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So sorry you are going through a lot of tough feelings & your heart is hurting. I felt for a long time I wasn't worth the fight & I didn't really know why I felt that way-I knew I shouldn't feel that way but I did none the less. It took a lot of self exploration & understanding that until I could love myself, forgive myself for all the projects quit or opportunities lost or thinking the grass is greener on the other side-nothing was going to change. I had to change my mind the way I looked at myself & my life in order to get things even started on a good track. Each of us have to do it our own way -I really hope you find your way. You are so worth the fight-even if you don't believe it. It is studies that if you keep telling yourself the same thing over & over-you'll soon believe it & live it. So we each have a choice-to either think positive or think negative-because which ever we think....we will believe about ourselves. Keep you in my thoughts sweetie. ((BIG HUGS)) Keep fighting!!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1954 days ago
  • KAESEA78
    My heart breaks to hear you are feeling this way. I am so sorry! I wish there was something I could do to help. I completely understand about the liars and cheaters...all too much. I felt the same way for so long. Either no one was interested or the ones who were were poop heads. I hope you find your way through this crappy time! I think you are totally worth fighting for!!!!
    1963 days ago
    As someone who's been there with the guy thing, trust me, he will come when you are both ready to find something amazing. Don't give up. There are great things in store for you, I know there are. Just keep going. When you need a hand up, we are always here. Please know that.
    1965 days ago
    Hello I was looking on my friend's feed and came upon your post quite by accident. However I can't help but believe that there are no accidents and this is how it should be. I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time loving yourself. I know just how you feel because I too suffer from self loathing and doubt. How can anyone find you worthy of love when you can't find it in yourself?

    When we look at ourselves we see the flaws both real and imagined, magnified 100 times. We don't even really see the image in the mirror because our self image is so very firmly fixed in our mind.

    When I see you, just by casually looking at your page and your accomplishments, I see a woman who has taken on adversity and fought it. You've gone through significant health problems and recovered. Your goals include not just yourself but others. For example, you aspire to run for cancer awareness not just to prove to yourself you can do it. You've touched many lives just here on SparkPeople. I imagine there are many more in your real life that would tell you without hesitation that you are loved and worthy of love.

    Romantic love is tricky. A large part of it is luck. You have to be in right place with the right person and actually notice and believe the cues given. When we find it hard to love ourselves, we also find it hard to believe someone else could love us. Sometimes people will go as far as thinking something must be wrong with anyone who would take an interest in them. This can lead to looking for that flaw so hard it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

    You aren't perfect, but no one is. There will be someone that can love you regardless of your flaws and your secret. You just have to let them. And don't forget to love yourself and take care of you.
    1965 days ago
    Wow,hon.....I am just so sorry that your emotions are leaving you down-in-the-dumps right now!! I have no brilliant or magic words but I do have these: if you can focus on trying to love yourself first, someone else can then follow.

    emoticon emoticon
    1965 days ago
    You are fighting to be happy. Finding happiness. Everyone is looking for this. Even those cheaters, liars, etc. We all just want to be happy. My thing is, I don't know who I am lately. I just ended up where I am by default. I feel like this is my video game and this is where I spawned. My thinking is, well if that the case then I need to make the best of it. Get to where I want to be. You can do that too. These last two weeks have been horrible for me as well. Things I cant even start to talk about, thougthts I dont want to be judged for. I'm easing away from the last two weeks just knowing that it's either do something or fall. I know I dont want to fall or fail. I want to succeed so I'm fighting lazy, I'm fighting sick, I'm fighting people, I'm fighting the devil, I'm fighting whoever the hell gets in the way, I'm fighting myself. I'm going to try and bring out the person that is crying out and let them lead for a while. Not matter what that takes. I need to find myself. What I love, who I AM, not who I am now. I dont think anyone really knows who they are. Finding ourselves, means finding happiness. Do this for you. Find you and be that person. Then you will also find the right person because they will know you truly are as well. I'm here if you need me. I feel you. I empathize with you. I have given up the last few weeks on everything almost. Hang in there, well get this.
    1965 days ago
    You are fighting for YOU! You have hit a bit of a rough patch, it will turn around! I think we have too many pressures on us to get on with our lives and get married, fulfill dreams and reach nirvana. It will happen, when it's suppose to happen.
    I know you said you have PCOS....have you tried going on Metformin? I was put on it, and my hormones seemed to balance out a bit. (I'm by no way saying you are hormonal ;)) but I am saying that a lot of how I feel physically effects how I feel mentally. I was about 28 when I went on initially, and I'm 40, still using it and feeling SO much better!
    Concentrate on getting yourself to Physically feel great, then the emotional part will follow. YOU are worthy of feeling good, of being happy and enjoying life! It's ok to take pride in your Job and where you live, and your little kitties.
    I went through similar questions when I was 29(it was a rough year for me). It's ok to be a little down, but don't drown in it. Talk to your Dr about it....get some real feedback!
    In my Grandma's words, this to shall pass.
    Good luck & emoticon stay positive & don't neglect the positive things you have accomplished!!! emoticon
    1965 days ago
  • EUEK098
    Honey don't give up, emoticon , it seems hard and worthless now, but you want to look back and know you did it. emoticon
    1965 days ago
    I wish I had some amazing advice that could just take away all the negative feelings you are having, but I know it doesn't work that way. I just wanted to say that I hope you are able to feel better soon and I am so proud of everything you have accomplished! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1966 days ago
    I am sorry you are feeling like this. I pray you use this discomfort to grow and create a better tomorrow for yourself. emoticon
    1966 days ago
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