Tuesday, October 30, 2012
This is the heaviest I have weighed in my entire life. I have reached a point where I am not only ready for change but I realize with my entire heart and soul that I NEED change. I will not be able to handle it if I creep up to 260 and onward.
I am young. I am 22 years old. And I feel like for the past 8 years that I have been overweight I have just been waiting for my life to start. My real life.
Where I can be the truest realest me.
I have so much knowledge on weight loss and maintaining a healthy weight and it is time for me to practice what I know and learn how to give up my unhealthy food addiction and emotional eating disorder.
On Saturday I binged. I had probably 5 or 6 homemade peanut butter balls along with a cinnamon danish or two.
After feeling like a fat cow at a friend's house I went home, stuffed and feeling miserable about myself.
I would start eating healthy for real tomorrow.
But how could I do that with the rest of the danishes in the house?
I would have to get rid of them.
I didn't want to throw them away.
So I ate them, one by one. Not slowly either.
I microwaved the first three because they tasted better that way.
When I got to the last one I didn't even bother microwaving it. I wasn't eating to enjoy it anymore. I knew what I was doing. I swallowed the first half of it but the first bite of the 2nd half went in the garbage. I ran to the bathroom and stuck my finger down my throat. It took a minute but it came up.
The danishes, and the peanut butter balls and probably whatever else I ate that day.
I was shaking. It wasn't the first time I had made myself throw up but it was the first time in awhile. And I still wasn't used to the after feeling.
I felt guilty and wanted to tell my best friend.
But I just got ready for my trip to church the next day and before I went to bed I had two packages of crackers and a frozen meal.
Because I was hungry.
The next day I started off breakfast well like I normally do. I had some greek yogurt and a banana. I put an apple in my backpack for later. I passed all the fast food restaurants, will-power surging through my bones, determined to not screw up again.
The sermon was about what our idols are.
It listed many questions.
What is controlling me?
What do I love the most?
What do I enjoy the most?
What do I spend most of my time doing?
Where does my mind drift when I don't have anything to do?
What am I passionate about?
What do I spend my money on?
What makes me angry when I don't get it?
What do I feel depressed without?
What do I fear losing the most?
I thought about the questions. Trying to match other situations in my life to the questions.
And the hit me.
It's always been food.
From the time I was a little kid.
I've always used food as a reward or something to look forward to.
It's supposed to be simply nourishment, to keep me alive and moving my life.
But it has become the bane of my existence.
My unhealthy obsession with food is silently killing me each day.
It's ruining not only my health but my self-esteem and my will to live my life.
The difference between all those other times and this time is I told my Dad. About the puking. And I told my best friend Pat. And Whitney, and my dear frother, Aunt Mare.
I re-confessed the puking to Adair and Laila. They knew about it when it first started.
Almost everyone that I am close to knows this struggle that I have now.
My problem with this sometimes is that I want to rebel when people tell me what to do. I will eat in secret or eat a piece of cake just to trump the nagging voices.
I can do what I want.
That is something that has been instilled in my head since I was 14.
When I chose to stay with my Dad when my mom moved to Florida.
I pretty much raised myself.
I need to learn how to accept help and accountability.
But there's something in me that just longs to do it all by myself because I have always done everything by myself.
And I want to prove them all wrong.
I want to prove the voices telling me that I can't do it, that I don't deserve to be happy or healthy wrong!
After I told Pat I realized exactly how it needs to be.
It's like when you're rock climbing.
YOU have to do the work.
YOU have to find the right rock to put your feet on.
YOU have to reach the top.
The person belaying for you is there to keep you from falling to your death.
That is what I need.
I need to be allowed to do it on my own but have support just in case I miss a step.
Today I already missed a step. I started the morning with oatmeal with fruit and nuts.
But once lunch time reared it's ugly head I had to make the kids I watch some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They also had chips and cookies for dessert.
I had two handfuls of bbq chips.
Two homemade sugar cookies.
And a piece of cake.
It's just discouraging because I always do things that I don't want to do.
I know that I will be upset with myself later, yet I want those foods. The sugar, the junk.
Because I associate it with good times.
I use it to make me feel better.
And let me tell you I have never felt worse than after I binge.
So I try to fix it with what is making me feel so bad.
I need to find other ways to fix it.
Writing, reading, Worship, Walking, Drawing, Pinterest, sunsets, nature, the zoo, red pandas, friends.
God needs to be the center.
He needs to be the center of my entire life.
In the middle of it all.
I need to stop giving into the flesh and live my life for God.
Satan wants me to stay right where I am.
He wants me to feel terrible about myself.
He wants me to have a low self-esteem so I won't live the the life God planned for me.
He wants to kill me.
My biggest enemy wants to take my life.
But I am not giving up.
And I am not letting the discouraging words of others get to me anymore. I am not letting His filthy dirty lies permeate my brain.
I have worth.
I have purpose.
And God has a plan for my life.
I am ready to start treating myself better.
I am ready to treat my body as the temple of the holy spirit.
I am ready to let go of the past.
I am ready to stop stuffing my emotions with sugar and wheat.
I am ready to let go.
I AM NOT GIVING UP!