Advice please! Caught between two friends fighting
Sunday, October 28, 2012
I admit, I feel a bit " highschool" posting this problem, but I am seriously looking for ideas from others who may have been in this situation before.
I have two really close girlfriends I have known for nine years now. At one point all of us worked together at the same company and enjoyed it. I also live in a very small town of about 2000 people.
Over the last year and a half I have witnessed these two ladies move further and further apart. Some small things happened between them and thier family members that created this rift. I wonder if, too, it was just a natural progression in thier relationship.
One friend respects that I am close to the other, and tries not to offend me when she speaks of the other, and only does so when something is really bothering her and she needs an opinion on how to deal.
The other friend is very sensitive, and feels very hurt by the other, and lashes out in frustration at times. I find it harder to be supportive because I feel she expects me to see everything from her point of view. When I express myself in what I believe to be an honest and caring manner, I am trying to help her but she usually takes it poorly, and then things are uncomfortable for us for awhile.
I am trying very hard now to stay neutral, and just keep out of their affairs, but also want to help them both come to a better understanding of eachother's intentions.
As an example, I attended church with the first friend, and we discussed how she was trying to be more positive, and learn forgiveness in her life. She was going to phone my other girlfriend and talk to her. They havent spoken in a long time. A few weeks earlier, my first friend had blocked the other friend on facebook. I totally understood why, as she was afraid of saying something unpleasant, but then felt bad for the other who was really hurt by that. Sadly, the hurt friend posted a status on fb that called the first a bully, without naming names. There were 37 replies from people roasting this "bully", and it made me sick reading them! I did not say anything to either lady about this. Word got back to the first friend about the bully post. She then decided not to call the other to make amends.
There have been many instances where I hear one lady making an assumption about the other that is false. All i can suggest is for one of them to talk to the other. I find it soo sad that they each feel so hurt by the other, but neither has been able to break the ice.
On a selfish note, its really hard planning social events. I feel torn between the two, when I would just love to spend time with both enjoying life!
I also feel that my second friend, the very sensitive one, needs to stop posting these things on social media, but maybe that is judgemental of me?I don't think I can tell her this without her being highly offended. But I get offended reading her posts, or when she roasts the other friend. She told me she doesnt want to have to censor our friendship, because she tells me everything in her life. But sometimes I truly have strong opinions contrary to her own and I find myself having to hold my tongue. Sigh.
Any tips on how to better handle these situations sparkfriends? I am so at a loss:(
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1596 days ago
These people are abusing you by being so negative when you are with them. I would say to each of them, as you know "jill" is one of my friends, so if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. Friends that are so negative when they are with you, bring you down. The real friend will respect how you feel and treat you better and stop talking about the other in your presence.
Please keep us updating on how things work out.
1963 days ago
seems as though you should tell both of them just what you posted here. it is a shame when things happen to pull friends apart - and quite often it is some little misunderstanding that starts the pull...
you might consider inviting them both to visit with you and either do or don't tell the other, tell them just how you feel, and get them talking with you as a mediator. hopefully they can see things through your eyes..
and I am with you regarding social media - somethings really should be kept off
good luck and know we're here for you!
1964 days ago
Oh, I feel for you. Went through a very similar situation myself a few years ago with two of my closest friends. All of a sudden one decided she didn't like the other anymore (mainly because of her opposing political views, but she also found her very needy and annoying- which she can be at times). She sent an email to another friend saying how much she hated friend #2, but accidentally sent it to friend #2 instead, which triggered the whole thing. #2 was very hurt (since she had no idea that #1 was hating her) and did several things similar to your friend #2- posting things on FB about #1 and sending emails to mutual friends trying to get us all to take sides. They no longer speak, but I have somehow been able to maintain a friendship with each. It was very hard at first and required a lot of talk/emails/etc. #2 could not understand how I could still be friends with someone who was such a backstabber. I told her that we had always been friends and she had done nothing to me. While it certainly bothered me the way things were done, I have tried and succeeded in maintaining a "friendship" with #1, which is nowhere near as close as it used to be, and we don't hang out- but we're civil and there for each other. #2 and I talk frequently. She knows I talk to #1, and it took a lot of work for her to "get it" that I wasn't betraying her by being friends with #1. It is my friendship and has nothing to do with her. Certainly not ideal, but better than what it could be I guess.
While it sucks, and I would prefer for us all to be able to hang out like we used to...at least I get to stay friends with both. I have really had to baby the relationship with #2 because I think for a long time she was mistrustful of the fact that I still talk to #1. She has learned through my actions over time, that she can still trust me and that I will never do anything to betray her. Friendship with #1 has just been maintained on a lesser level. We talk way less frequently and don't get together nearly as often as we used to. But I still love them both and they know it.
While it is hard, I would recommend talking to your friend #2 and letting her know that the FB posts, etc. really do bother you and why. Do it gently, but the sooner you talk to her honestly, the sooner things will start to improve. It is such a hard thing to do. Let her know that you really empathize with her situation, but that when she posts things that make her look somewhat petty...it sort of takes her behavior down a notch. People respect those who "keep their noses clean". If she never says anything bad about #1, she will come out way ahead in everyone's eyes.
I really wish you luck in this. It is a really depressing situation to have to deal with. Sometimes you feel like you're losing both friendships because of the different phases they go through. As long as you do your best to stay good friends with both- and are honest with them both, things should work out. Good luck!!!
1965 days ago
your second "sensitive" friend acts like a spoiled brat .what friendship is that where you can't tell your friend what you really think?bully? she's the bully .tell them both you want to stay friends with the other person too. if they can't deal with it , that's THEIR problem. actually I do have 2 of such friends but one of them is not very close so it wasn't such a big problem.
1965 days ago
I don't believe "you" can fix "their" issues... nor should "you" have to. Sucks just the same that you feel "caught" between the two of them though...
I agree with LAURIETAIT...
A very long time ago... I learned a very strong life lesson from my sister-in-law. Now while I cannot recall our "exact conversation" that day, (it involved a family member) what I do remember are her "lasting" words to me " I really don't feel comfortable talking about this Lynda"
It made me step back and realize that wow... she's so right... I was putting her into an awkward position discussing my upset with someone else she was close with, with her.
Anyhow... to this day, I am sensitive about being too casual in talking about others in a negative manner and I've shared this story with a few other people in my life.
Have I ever had to say it to someone else... yes... once, and we moved on to something else in conversation. My bet is she learned something that day too
1965 days ago
It might be easier for you if you told to them that because you like them both it is uncomfortable for you to hear them bash each other. Ask that they refrain from "sharing" their feelings about each other with you. Nothing good ever came from posting personal business on facebook. Maybe you can dissuade your friend by pointing out that it's not just your friends who may see what you post. It's common for potential (and present) employers to search you out on facebook . Private feuds don't play well in social media. My nephew has alienated friends and family behaving in much the same way recently. It's something you can't ever take back once you post. Your "sensitive " friend sounds particularly immature to me. You're in a really awkward position. I hope the issues are resolved soon for your sake.
1965 days ago
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