Just Not Feeling It
Sunday, October 28, 2012
I haven't been around much at all other than logging into my computer for school. I just haven't felt very social and really just don't want to do anything.
I wound up with no voice again a week after going off the steroid treatment and then my doctor suggested going back on it at a much lower dose per day and he gave me a prescription so I had some left over for the next time my voice went out on me. The strangest thing is I can sing but I cannot speak when I lose my voice. I think that is why the ENT guy wanted me to go to a voice therapist, but I just can't afford that even with my benefits. For one thing the nearest one is over an hour away in a city that I hate.
I have been stressing about my school because nothing seems to be fitting and I just feel stupid and useless. Adding to the stress is the fact that I haven't really worked out in almost 4 months now and it is starting to show. Not on the scale, I have managed to stay in my weight range. At one point I had actually dropped to 111 pounds and was beginning to worry because with no real exercise for me to lose weight means that I am not eating properly. Not eating properly or enough makes me very moody and then I do or say things that eventually come back to bite me in the butt.
Lately I have been having trouble sleeping (partly due to the prednisone I was on). I also haven't wanted to do anything. That said my oldest one found some friends who wanted to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show on the big screen so we went to that last night and had a blast with the audience participation. My daughters and I even got up on the stage and did the Time Warp. Then today reality came crashing down on my head again and I got hit with a major case of the "I'm not good enoughs". It just seems that no matter what I do it somehow never seems like I'm doing enough or doing thing well enough.
I did get back a couple of good dictation reports with very positive comments along with explanations on what I was doing incorrect and where to read up on the grammar and punctuation (my 2 weak points STILL...LOL). So far I am doing quite well with getting all the right words on the screen, but not doing so well with making it look good. I also hit a bit of a wall today with 2 back-to-back dictations of doctors with very heavy accents and it is obvious that English is not their first language so the grammar is terrible as well and we do have to correct it to some degree even though our "account" (the school) is verbatim.
To add to the mix I think I am also entering that scary territory of perimenopause so my hormones are also out of whack and having 2 teenage girls in the house makes it a hormonal battlefield and it seems someone is always in tears. This is especially true the last few days of one month and the first few of the next (only benefit is that at least we are all emotional basket cases at the same time).
I haven't renewed the prescription for the steroids because I just really don't like the way I feel while I am on them and I suffer from insomnia due to having very vivid and sometimes very violent dreams. This is one of the many side effects of this drug and my doctor just doesn't seem to want to find a more natural solution. I have also gone to walk-in clinics and seen associates in my doctor's office but they all want to write an Rx and get you out of the office. I have thought about seeing a Naturopathic doctor but that would cost me money as our "universal healthcare" doesn't cover most alternative medical treatments. I don't have benefits that would cover alternative medicine fully so I'd still have to pay out of pocket and right now we just don't have that much wiggle room in the budget.
I just feel useless and stupid. The only thing keeping me somewhat sane is knowing that my kids need me and I am keeping it together for them. I know that my hubby is worried but lately I just haven't felt like talking and it just comes to the same thing every time any how. I wind up in tears, he tries to comfort me and make it seem alright and it is for a bit but it is a long way from being alright on a permanent basis. There is just so much I don't like about life right now that I just want to curl up and let the world go on without me.
This got very long and very whiny but I needed to get this out. Maybe I can eventually get my life together but due to things that happened in the past I just don't know if I will ever be content. I always feel like I'm failing in some regard and letting the people I love the most down.