Sunday, October 28, 2012
I have severe anxiety and I’ve been trying to get over it by going out more. Also, I am 26 years old and I’ve wasted so much of my young life being depressed and too afraid to socialize… so I have been going out to a local bar with my cousin and her friends. I know that going to a bar sounds like a bad idea, but it’s not a typical bar atmosphere. In some respects it is, but the people that I hang out with sit in a booth and drink water and play cards most of the time. I have gotten drunk a few nights because I have been very nervous and just wanted to stop feeling that way…
Anyway, I have met a lot of new friends… some of which are good looking guys. However, the two that I like… one of them has a girlfriend and the other apparently is only into skinny girls. I was looking at pictures on Facebook of the latter, and came across one from a night at a bar. There were two guys and two girls, each guy hugging a girl. One of the girls was overweight. In the comments, the guy I know said that the other guy should have been wearing his “I love fat b**ches” shirt and that the girl looked like a warthog. An honest assessment of the photo would be that the skinny girl was not very good looking in the face, and the bigger girl actually was very pretty. To see that he had such cruel things to say about an attractive girl just because she was overweight was enough to completely ruin my opinion of the guy. Of course, I’m not going to mention that I’m offended by something he said in 2009 in a comment on Facebook because that sounds very odd, but I don’t really want to be his friend anymore.
I met another guy recently… he really wanted to date me and was very persistent. However, he had just ended a friends with benefits relationship with another friend within our group. That makes it awkward. He is also very conceited and a bit racist. I don’t think I can deal with those things. None of the people I hang out with really like him and I was completely disgusted by him… until we were saying goodnight and I gave him a peck on the lips (he asked for a goodnight kiss). I felt something… not sure what it was… but there was something between us. He had just dropped me off at my car and was dropping another friend off.. I texted him and told him to come back and “said goodnight” again. I agreed to go on a date with him and now I’m very confused. I’m not sure how I went from hating him to making out with him. I haven’t really felt “sparks” with anyone for a long time, so I was surprised that I did with him. But, like I said, he’s arrogant and just not really someone I can see myself with long term. I’ll go on a date with him but I’m thinking it won’t work out.
But yeah, I hate men. Ugh.