Saturday, October 27, 2012
I'd like to start this blog by describing what was typical in the past for me. I would get up and step on the scale...every single morning. Then I would either like what I saw or hate it, but I would always let the scale tell me how to feel for the day. I would actually consult with my scale throughout the day. It really didn't matter what the number was, it would be a reason to eat. If it were up, I felt bad and used that as an excuse to eat. I would say, "it doesn't matter, I will never lose this weight." If it was down, I would say, "well, I am doing well. It's time for a reward," and I would eat to reward myself. Hmm, could this the reason for my weight problem?
It wasn't that alone, of course. I ate for every emotion, good and bad. Anxiety was all that kept me from eating, but I would resist the food to the point that I was sick...and sick-looking. It didn't make me feel that great to lose the weight because I wasn't fit at all. It was just the number of pounds were down, and though I loved to see what I was seeing on the scale, I still hated the way I looked. The scale is really the least important factor in all of this.
This time around, I decided to try something completely different. I decided to check out what was helping others. SP was a good place to see that. I have read articles and blogs, blogged myself, began keeping a journal, and tracked my food and exercise. It's all so motivating. I am learning to take accountability. I always thought I was being accountable because I am an honest person. I don't cheat, steal, or blame others for my mistakes--unless it's my weight problem.
As a child, I experienced many misfortunes, and it led me to depression, alcohol, drugs and many other destructive behaviors. I blamed all these things on the way I am...fat. I would look in the mirror and hate what I saw. I would be mad at the circumstances that I felt caused me to get here. I realized that it was time to stop letting those things determine who I am.
Fortunately, I have realized that I have the power to control all those things. I don't have to look in the mirror and think negatively about myself. I don't have to drink to get rid of the bad feelings. I don't have to live in the past anymore. Letting all those things control what I would do with my life has led me on a downward spiral. I will make all my decisions with one thing in mind now. I am going to take responsiblity for whatever the outcome. I will not blame anything or anyone and really be honest with myself. I can be honest with others, but I'm just as valuable, so why not be honest with myself, too?
All of this has changed in my mind in a very short time, but something that is really amazing is that I did step on the scale last night before bed, and it was not what I had expected. I went back several more times just to check it out again. Maybe it was wrong the first time...and second and third and even a fourth. Nope! My weight hadn't budged, and yes, I'll admit, it was not a great feeling, but I didn't take that and go on a binge. I said, it's just a number and the scale is not my decision-maker. I am!!! I will decide if this is going to bring me down or give me motivation.
I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale but with a new perspective. I had a light breakfast and spent some time thinking. Perhaps those little morsels that I was having and not recording were adding up. Perhaps I am exercising way more than I should because my goal was to burn 720 calories this week and have reached over 1200. Perhaps I was a little more stressed and hormones are part of the reason. Perhaps I step on the scale at the wrong time of the day and way to often. It really doesn't matter. As long as I keep moving in the right direction and focus on the ultimate reason I have to do this--my health--I will get to where I want to be. In reaching my goal, I will not look back and focus on that one night the scale didn't agree with the extra slack in the waistband of my pants. I will focus on all the healthy decisions and the learning that got me to where I wanted to be and the healthy decisions that I will still have make to stay there.
I really do love myself for having compassion for a person who should be given unconditional support, caring, and forgiveness, just as I do with my husband, children, family, and friends.